


I Fall Blind In My Path to Justice

by loverstar



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-13
Updated: 2011-08-13
Packaged: 2017-10-22 14:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 52,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/238806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loverstar/pseuds/loverstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ADA Jensen Ackles had it all; good friends, a job he loved, and a husband he loved even more. Until he was gunned down in the middle of the toughest case the NYPD had seen in years, that of notorious serial-rapist and high-flier Matt Bomer. His death shook the department and the whole city of New York but most of all, his grieving husband and Special Victims detective, Jared Padalecki.</p><p>Jacob Barnes of Seattle, Washington had little more than a cubicle to hang his nameplate on, a serious problem connecting with people, and a borderline unhealthy obsession with out-of-state newspapers and a detective he never should have had the chance to meet.</p><p>But these two lives converge when an unlikely victim turns up on the slab and cast a light on the circumstances of Jensen’s death. How are these men connected and how will Jared cope when his ever-present past collides with his not-so-distant future?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Fall Blind In My Path to Justice

"In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories."

\--  
Monday 1:00 pm  
Doctor Lauren Cohan’s Office  
New York City, New York  
November 1st, 2010

There’s a clatter in the distance from outside in the waiting area, but it only fades into soft hushes and whispers until it finally reaches complete silence. The fact that he has to meet with Lauren in an actual Doctor’s office, rather than the police station, is still something he isn’t quite used to. He’d been so accustomed to seeing Doctor Lauren Cohan at the police headquarters because that’s typically where their work had demanded them to be a good amount of the time. For one, it is a lot quieter than the station will ever be, too quiet. The silence is making Jared’s skin itch in sheer insanity, because all he can hear are his own thoughts. The fact that he is spending too much time alone with nothing to do but focus on what’s going through his mind is driving him up the wall.

_Talking about what is actually going through his noggin? That is a lot worse, plus ten times harder to explain when he doesn’t actually know half the time why certain thoughts pop into his brain, circulating thought after thought, each one making less sense than the last._

Being mandated to attend weekly sessions until Lauren deems him fit to wander through life without her guidance is unfortunately something that is out of his control. Usually it’s been his short temper that’s got him into the worst trouble, or his methods of getting the truth to spill from perps or suspects. However, this time it’s due to more personal reasons.

A matter of the heart is what his late husband would call it.

The only reason he’s here is because his boss is forced to follow protocol when any of his fellow detectives are in some type of distressing situation. Even if it weren’t protocol, the Captain would have demanded that he talk to someone. There are a lot of incidents in the line of duty, and nothing causes them more than a cop grieving over a loved one with a gun in their hand. No matter how much Jared begged he’d been made to take a short leave of absence - a month - to clear his mind. Aside from that he’d had to talk to a therapist. It was either that or give up his badge.

Captain Christopher Meloni, the man in charge of SVU, knows all too well about Jared’s erratic behavior and destructive temper on the job. He only wants to take precautions, or at least that’s what he’s told Jared. He probably thinks that the only thing worse than an aggressive detective is a depressed detective. Jared doesn’t blame him; he just wishes it wasn’t mandatory to be put through therapy.

He’d rather not have to talk through his grief, because talking isn’t going to bring back the dead. There is nothing he, or anyone else, can do. There is no way to turn back the clock and avoid these sessions with his good friend and doctor, because no matter what he changes, at the end of the day, his husband is still going to be dead.

It’s been two years since his husband’s death, and he’s finally managed to accept the fact that his husband is dead without any more hesitation, without breaking down and bawling at old photographs he hasn’t had the heart to throw away. At first the sessions irritated the hell out of him, not just because he had to sit down for at least two hours after his husband’s death and talk about how _he felt, but because he had been made to take a month off from work due to the tragedy. He still feels that irritation now but for other reasons, like the dead silence._

If anything, the fact that the close friend with whom he’s worked to solve dozens of crimes is his therapist should put him at ease, but it doesn’t do anything but make the pain so much worse and the memories a lot more vivid.

Eventually, through very extensive and painstaking talks on his part and a lot of heavy duty patience on Lauren’s, the healing process has slowly begun to soothe him.

He willingly admits that, compared to two years ago, he’s a lot better, physically and mentally. When he had to deal with the undeniable proof that his partner-his lover-was gone for good, it took a serious toll on everything. It made him so angry and every other emotion on the spectrum. At that time he just wanted to take all his pain out on the world, as if it was the cause for… _hisdeath. Only it wasn’t the world that gave him heartache; the ones to blame were the cruel and sadistic killers that filled the world. It was a good thing his job required him to put the scumbags in jail, otherwise there would be no positive side to look forward to, just another death keeping him up at night._

When the Doc reaches for a tablet and a folder on a small French wooden table in front of her, he knows the inquisition will begin instantaneously. The folder contains all the info from their sessions, every time he’s been ordered to see her; the other times, when he came willingly, are definitely not documented. The tablet was to document his behavior, calculate the changes and differences that have occurred from the incident until now. The tape recorder in the middle is already on, set to preserve everything he says, to make sure nothing is forgotten.

“So how long has it been since you’ve gone to church?” Lauren starts off, already comfortably situated in her chair, pen and documents in her lap, staring at Jared from across the room, eyes open and ready to listen to his answers, or anything he wants to say.

The question startles him for some reason. There has never been a time in his life when he had to take more than two seconds to answer that. It’s more than just a little sad, because he has always been a man of good faith and unshakable wisdom, or maybe it was the other way around? He’s not even sure about the bible lessons he was taught anymore, really. It’s as if his good Catholic upbringing disappeared just as suddenly as-

“The last time,” he closes his eyes trying to think through all the moments from his youth all the way to his adulthood that he spent in the house of the Lord, praying and repenting for all his sins. There are several to go through, all a bit blurry since they date back to the eighties, which is a lifetime ago for him. His mind shuffles all the way to the last memory, and he sees it clearly in his head, a vivid replay in bright swaying colors with high definition sound.

“Jensen’s funeral was the last-that was the very last time I ever stepped foot in a church. I couldn’t stand the thought of facing God alone,” he says softly, afraid he’s breaking some rule by speaking his late husband’s name out loud. It still hurts whenever they talk about it, but that was normal, expected of a widower.

Her eyes widen with concern, saddened by the answer. Even after all the progress they’ve made there are just some beliefs that she can’t change no matter how much she tries.

His answer gets a nod from her and she looks down at her notes to go onto another topic. He knows that religion seemed like a good place to start seeing how well their last discussion had gone, but that one may have been brought on the wrong way; it was probably a mistake on her part. Instead Lauren veers them into something a little more relevant in Jared’s life.

“So, last time we talked you mentioned that you and Genevieve had decided to move in together. I take it everything is going well in that department? Or are there still some doubts about it?”

He huffs, a gut reaction, because the question is funny to him, but the words come out a tad bitter. “I never meant to have it happen the way it did,” he explains, his face is getting pink from the sudden surge of anger that just came out of nowhere. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes quickly, feeling partly crazy, partly human, and, out of habit, he runs a hand through his hair as he takes a big breath. Whenever he thinks about Genevieve it feels different in a lot of ways, besides the fact that she is a woman. Being with her is way different than being with Jensen, due in large part to their contrasting personalities. There are some differences that are so subtle though, so microscopic that they’re hardly noticeable, but they’re there nonetheless.

“I can’t shake this guilt, you know?” He starts slowly, trying to find a way to answer the Doctor’s question in the best way he can. “I mean, I know I shouldn’t, because Jensen wouldn’t want me to be alone, but it still feels like I’m betraying him, even after all this time.”

There’s a pause for a few moments, it’s so quiet that you mightactually hear a pin drop.

“I fell into this semi-casual relationship with Genevieve. I didn’t want to rush into anything, and I wasn’t looking for anyone,” Even now he still doesn’t quite understand how he ended up in love with her. It didn’t make any sense to him. “But she was there all the time after a hard day of work, pushing me to talk when it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I had a meal to look forward to and someone to help me, and that’s all it was supposed to be, but then things changed. I mean, I can’t even believe how fast they did, but next thing I knew-“

Lauren finally cuts in, “Are you in love with her?”

Just then he swears the oxygen in the room was sucked out, gone, making his skin go deathly pale, just hearing those words come from someone else’s mouth. Jared Padalecki had always been cocky and stubborn, always one hundred and ten percent sure of everything he did, even if he knew it was wrong. He had never been so transparent in his life; he was an open book with a broken binding and torn pages that were getting mended and refurnished slowly.

Jared hangs his head, “Yeah, I love her. I really do.” A sad bittersweet smile forms, and he rests his head in his huge hands as if he might find something interesting if he stares down at them long enough. “Where do I go from here?”

Lauren sighs like she usually does when she’s just at a complete loss for words. Right when he could use her counsel the most is when he finally renders her speechless. He was once again on his own to figure this all out.

“The first time around wasn’t so bad,” she says out of nowhere, startling Jared again. She gets up and walks across the room to him, causing him to lift his head from his hands the moment he hears her voice and movement. She bends down to place her hands into his. “You need to remember that your relationship didn’t end because of failure, Jared. It was a good relationship, and yes it ended, but there’s no way that Jensen would ever deny you the chance to be happy with someone else.”

He keeps his face in a strong mask, trying not to sob like a big baby all over his friend. He’s gone over it so many times in his head. Deep down he knows that his lover would want happiness for him and nothing less. The problem is neither of them expected to live life without the other.

Once they were sheltered, safe and bound together, protected by the law they fought to regulate, and then, all of a sudden, his dreams were smashed to pieces.

He’s healed, is healing still, not completely done with the process, but there’s some chance Genevieve could speed up the recovery. She is warmth and love, different from his husband but something special all the same.

“Just remember that there will be no one that can replace him in your heart, because he’ll always be there, no matter what, but Genevieve could be your chance to find happiness again. You’ll never know if you don’t at least try to let her in.”

Jared just sighs, “I already have.”

'That’s why I can't help but feel remorse', he thinks. 'I let her in too quickly, but I don’t know why.'

\--

Thursday 9:00 am  
The Coffee Zone  
Seattle, Washington  
November 4th, 2010

Jacob Barnes checks his watch for the tenth time, hoping that the line will hurry up, before he has to make up a lame excuse for being late. It’s not the first time, and it probably won’t be the last time, that he’s been late in order to grab some coffee, but it just so happens that his favorite place is also everyone else’s favorite too, making what is meant to be a short coffee run take forever.

Today he started off on the wrong foot. He got a good night of rest, so good, in fact that he slept in and didn’t even notice that the horrible buzzing from his clock was not following its normal routine of waking him up. He felt completely brand new when he did finally arise, and he nearly had a panic attack once he noticed that his alarm clock was unplugged. It’s only when he sees the time on his phone that he realized he was so out of sync it was not even funny.

He soon figures out, by the trash left on the floor and stray dog hairs littering his room, that Icarus - his cockapoo - had been playing around, tripped and unplugged his alarm clock, so of course he woke up twenty minutes behind schedule, which meant by the time he made it to The Coffee Zone, the morning rush had already started, and he wasn’t the first in line the way he usually was.

He stares back to the pleasantly plump lady, the four skinny, wired girls, and a very angry looking man with a briefcase, whom he suspects might be some type of lawyer because of the attire, in front of him and decides right then that buying coffee and breakfast is the best way to go. So far he’s been in line for about ten or fifteen minutes just to have his regular dose of coffee, but he knows without it he wouldn’t be able to function. His staff at the insurance claims office had learned that the hard way, when The Coffee Zone was shut down temporarily for inspection, and every other cup of joe tasted like crap. There was a lot of screaming that week, and there are a few of his co-workers that still can’t look him in the eyes after that.

Sometimes his boss forgives him for being so late due to conditions but other times she’ll scowl at him for being so caffeine addicted. He’s a good worker though, and as much as she hates to admit, letting him go would be a huge mistake. For that advantage, he’s grateful, because if he was lazy and a slacker he would be fired in an instant.

Thanks to his hard work and dedication, Jacob has caught over one hundred insurance fraud scams and saved a lot of money that would have caused severe damage to the company.

Work and insurance claim paperwork came so easy to him; it was the investigating part that made it worth his while. It was that part of the job that kept him sane most of the time; without it he would probably be working some minimum wage job.

It wasn’t fair to let others get away with insurance fraud at all. Sure he might have been a little too paranoid, but it all did come in handy.

 

The line finally starts to clear up as he breaks from his inner thoughts. If he doesn’t get any coffee at all, jobless is what he‘ll be.

 

“Next in line,” calls the redheaded girl from the counter. He knows right off the bat that he’s lucky Julie is working this morning, because explaining his whole order to some newbie would take more time than he has right now. Thank the Lord for Julie McNiven.

 

“Ok its 9:15; let me get your four orders of coffee and six breakfast meals ready.” She winks at him, making Jacob smile wide, teeth showing and all.

 

He leans in over the counter and kisses her cheek, the friendliest gesture coming from a Texan. “You know you just saved my life right now, right?”

 

She laughs, crinkling her nose in the process, while putting the order into the cash register. The simple transaction on his credit card goes in instantly, before she responds.

 

“Well I can’t have you getting fired because you are so cranky without your four shot espresso latte with soy milk.” They both laugh at that, and it makes him wonder how he was able to get to know such wonderful people.

 

It’s a very good thing that he happens to be the last in line or else he would be getting yelled at by other regular customers, because he’s making small talk with the barista.

 

“Let me go work on that super order for you.” He just nods at her as she walks in the worker designated area to put together his regular order, well his fall back order when he just so happens to be a little late.

 

The workers behind her all work in unison to make his order without complaint. It doesn’t take that long; he swears it feels like mere seconds, until Julie appears with one large bag and a tray of nice and piping hot coffees.

 

“You are my coffee fairy,” he praises her, grabbing the tray in one hand and the bag in the other. “Thanks so much.”

 

“No problem, and, um, if you would like to help me out,” She bargains, and he already knows where it’s leading.

 

“I’ll give Alexis your number,” he finishes. “It’s the least I can do, and at least if you date, I get free coffee out of it. There’s a bright side for everyone.”

 

That makes her cheeks turn scarlet in two seconds flat. Julie, if anything besides nice and friendly, was so transparent it could make your eyes hurt. Ever since she’d actually met the girl he always seemed to blather on to her about, he could tell she’d began to be a little more intent on listening to his stories, even asking strange questions that he had to answer. Luckily Alexis was single and did happen to be more drawn to women than men. She had a whole list of rules why the men she did actually date had turned her to the lesbian side.

 

“If she even decides to call me I’ll give you free coffee for a month.” Her eyes tell him she is deadly serious. “Now go before you’re super-duper late!” She shoos him away in a funny manner.

 

“You’re right, I gotta go. Bye!” He bolts as fast as he can out the door with his hands full.

If he manages to make it without getting his dress shirt dirty his day will be perfect, or close to it at least.

\--  
Thursday 9:45 am  
PEMCO Insurance Company  
Seattle, Washington  
November 4th, 2010

He sits in his cubicle with his coffee right beside him, filling in the paperwork for all the new insurance owners. At times he can’t help but think how easy the paperwork is to fill out. While the others complain about the huge number of documents that need to be filled out, checked, and transferred on to the computer, Jacob gets it done in less than two hours, ready for another pile of files. It doesn’t take so long, and it makes him wonder why everyone else wants to complain about it at all.

Sometimes he just wants a more exciting life, to solve something bigger than him for once, to live on the edge. There had been a time that he had that peril, long ago. Not anymore, though. Sure, the job had its perks, it wasn’t repetitive, there was always something new for him to tackle every day. But it wasn’t exactly Mission Impossible either.

Alexis walks by, sipping what’s left of her gourmet latte with Julie’s number written on it, to take him out of his doldrums. Her loud sipping as she delicately hoists herself up to sit on his desk, legs crossed in a ladylike manner helps him snap back into reality. The moment he focuses on her presence rather than crunching numbers to see if the insurance claim for the Felchis checked out, his headache is instantly relieved. He was lucky to have her nice, bouncy self around, because it would just be depressing without her quirky remarks and bubbly personality. She was a modern Audrey Hepburn, who kept up with the workday world and yet still lived life with hope and grace, spice and everything nice.

She was solace in the form of a friend.

“Jesus Jake, how the hell do you always manage to get all of that done so fast?” He looks up to see her face reflecting utter amazement at the neatly stacked pile of work he’s sifted through so easily. Sometimes he wonders the same thing. Maybe this work is just way too simplistic for him.

“The same way you always manage to grab every girl’s number, by being completely awesome.” He points to the Styrofoam cup, before she tosses it into the trash can right next to his desk. He’d watched her as she programmed the number into her phone, right after she’d called Julie to confirm she’d gotten the message at last. His answer just makes her wrinkle her face as usual, because even she knows, or at least has some idea how often women tend to hit on her at such random times. Uncomfortable much? Yes.

“Yeah, yeah. I think you need to get laid more, and I need to work harder.”

Jacob gasps dramatically at that. “What you? Actually working? Now that would be some kind of miracle, darling.” His Southern accent comes out a little heavy when he says it. It’s harder to control now, since he doesn’t have to talk to a crowd twenty four seven. It slips out every now and again, especially when work is slow, and he’s trying to find ways to pass the time.

That earns him an elbow to the chest for his teasing. He tends to rib her a lot about her taking casual breaks so often, like she is now. The thought of her working for a long period of time without a single break is not something he can imagine. The girl needs to jump around every twenty minutes, or else she gets antsy and irritable.

As if she had just forgotten something, her eyes go wide, and she puts her hand over her mouth. Alexis Bledel is a grown woman, full and gorgeous, independent in fact, but she has the voice and mannerisms of a child. Anything she says or does, even when she forgets something, or is extremely pissed off, just ends up sounding cute.

“I completely forgot to get the paper this morning,” her hand covers her face in shame. It’s the first time she’s ever made the slip up but it’s understandable.

Her body tenses, awaiting some sort of back-handed insult or yelling, an attack of some sort. It’s easily noticeable that she’s preparing herself by closing her eyes and waiting patiently for Jacob to have a nuclear reaction.

He just looks at her and gives her a small smile, knowing exactly what she’s referring to. This paper isn’t just any old paper, no. If that was the case Jacob would have easily gotten it himself down by the newsstand that’s right near The Coffee Zone. No, this paper was a little more special than that, mainly, because it wasn’t a paper from Seattle. The paper always hand delivered by Alexis was from the big apple, New York City.

“Oh don’t worry about it, I got it covered. I knew that it might be a little trickier to get this copy, but I just so happened to call in a favor with our wonderful boss and voila.”

He read it for sentimental reasons, no other reason, really, and even though he has reiterated this same reason over and over, time and time again, Alexis still remains unconvinced. It feels like she is prosecuting him for a crime he’s been falsely accused of. Whenever the blue eyed girl thinks she’s without a doubt right-she doesn’t stop pushing until the matter has been at least talked about. Other times she just nags until the other party gives in to being wrong. For a sweetie pie she sure has a dark side that can be malicious and vicious.

“Wait, what?” Her face is the epitome of confusion when she stares down at her best friend. He’s calm and collected. Alexis thought that he would blow up if something like that happened, although it never did, so they are both a little unsure how Jacob might handle it. All she knows is that there should be some type of anger pouring from his skin, only there isn’t.

Jacob continues to smile and promptly opens up the top left drawer of his desk, in his small, uncomfortable cubicle, to show her his nice, pristine copy of The New York Times, featuring a very tall handsome man on the front cover; a local detective there, who had once again solved another crime.

For some reason he felt the need to keep everything that even mentioned his name. Getting the paper from a place states away wasn’t exactly easy. Usually he got his best friend to call in a favor with her ex-girlfriend, who sends Alexis to work with a copy of the latest paper with updates on Detective Jared Padalecki’s heroism, and of course if plan A fails he always has plan B.

“I-I don’t even know,” she stammers, staring at Jacob in utter shock; her blue eyes are wide with scrutiny. “Your obsession knows no bounds, does it?”

Eyebrows rise in disbelief at the comment, “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” The innocence in his voice is faked, but she knows that, because there is no fooling Alexis Bledel.

She tells him as much when her arms cross around her chest, with her head cocked to the side studying him, analyzing him so thoroughly that he withers under her gaze. It was so freaky how she could look at someone for so long just to mock them for denying whatever they were denying. It felt as if she was staring right through his core, trying to see his soul. Those piercing blue eyes were not just beautiful oddities but weapons.

“Oh really? So if I just so happen to-” Before he can react she snatches the paper from his hands, leaving him with nothing but the feel of the oily paper residue. The girl was too devious for her own damn good. “If I just happened to throw this away, what would you do?”

“I am not obsessed!” He insists loudly but tries to snatch the paper back from her anyway. Just because he likes to have reference to the guy doesn’t mean anything at all. He just wants to keep a record of him, that’s all. That doesn’t make him a stalker or a crazy psychopath. It just means he’s a well-informed individual from the state of Washington, which might as well be worlds apart from New York.

He puts his head down for a second, momentarily giving up and trying not to sound as delusional as his friend is making him out to be. The room is slightly chilly, he realizes out of nowhere, when he avoids his friend’s mocking look, that’s telling him, ‘You are acting so childish and creepy,’ without having to even say it.

Maybe he was being just a little irrational, but in his defense he did have a right to be. He was the hardest worker in his company, he did everything asked of him without question, which was odd even for him, because he had always been one to question authority or fight it, and he deserved to at least indulge in one of his not so healthy hobbies. It wasn’t causing any harm, not really. It didn’t draw any attention in a dramatic way. It was safe. He should at least be allowed that, if nothing else.

“Look, you know I am the last person to judge you on anything,” her voice is sincere, and her eyes turn to a softer blue as she speaks, “but this isn’t the healthiest of hobbies to have, and it’s starting to border on psychotic. If I didn’t know you as well as I do, I’d get you some serious help.”

“You make it seem like I’m some sort of neurotic psycho! All I’m doing is collecting a newspaper from a different state. There is absolutely no harm in it whatsoever. It’s like buying bananas.”

“If you’re always going to somehow mention bananas can you at least be funny about it? Can you leave them out of your analogies and put them in some sex jokes where they belong?" She chides with her cheeky smile in place.

At that point he chooses to ignore her and take back his paper from her in one swoop. The distraction technique always comes in handy whenever Alexis wanted to one-up him. He has a whole list full of maneuvers that prove to be useful in their mini battles and disagreements, whether they are in fun or actually serious, Jacob has a plan for everything.

_‘Never walk into anything without having an escape route in mind,’ the words stuck even after so long. He liked to apply that rule among others to the simple things he did, big or small, the lessons that were taught to him. They would no doubt stick with him … _until he was gone.__

Life lessons are taught but they are never forgotten, he recalls deep in his mind where under cover secrets and thoughts dwell.

“Sometimes you’re just so full of mysteries, Jake.” It’s that statement that makes him look back up at her with a small smirk.

“If I was so open about everything, you probably wouldn’t find me as interesting.” The retort is meant to sound witty and clever, only his shit eating grin doesn’t make it to his face, and his eyes hold more sympathy than they normally carry. It comes out apologetic more than anything else, because honestly, he only wishes, begs, and pleads to God above that he could be more of an open book; to have the luxury of speaking his mind without worry.

There were reasons why he couldn’t, reasons that kept him from doing so, because it could only mean potential harm for his one and only true friend here.

Sure he had others to depend on, but Jacob was more than confident that little old Alexis Bledel would take a bullet for him, and if she ever tried to, because of his reckless actions, he would never forgive himself. Sure acting cut off from the emotional realm and being stalkerish wasn’t an ideal plan, definitely not one of his best, but it helped. At least for now, and that’s what mattered.

The present is what he has to be in, because the past is gone, dead and buried somewhere else, where people can’t go digging it up.

The words earn him a smile that’s bright and sunny, and just like that all is forgiven.

“On that note, I should leave you to your creepiness. I would hate to separate you from your paper soul mate, this guy you love to read about.” She gestures at the paper that he’s clutching so tightly, afraid to let it go or lose his grip on it. He doesn’t want to risk it getting taken away from him again, as creepy as it may be, it means a lot to him, and he can’t stress it enough to himself. It’s not like he was able to fill in the blanks for Alexis so she can have a better understanding of it, although it would clear up a lot of gray areas and major confusion for his neurotic, childlike best friend, it just wasn’t on the table, so Jacob just has to make it a mantra and remind himself repeatedly why honesty is not his best policy.

He secretly wishes, among other long lists of things, that there was one thing, anything, that didn’t have to be built around a lie. It’s a stretch, but it sure as hell would save a lot of heartache in the long run.

For now he has to be the lovable, cute jerk with a short fuse when not given enough-or the right type-of coffee.

That’s just who he has to be right now, and lucky for him Alexis makes it easy to maintain, even though he can still feel that ache, the longing for the passion of not just a friend but a lover.

\--  
Saturday 3:00 am  
Padalecki Residence  
Brooklyn, New York  
November 6th, 2010

_The huge church is a little drafty due to the poor insulation and cold weather from outside, but the crowd of people filling up each row of pews is slowly starting to build up some heat in the area. Everyone inside seems to be excited by the event that is currently taking place by the looks of the happy, bright faces that pay no attention to Vancouver's climate and focus on the gorgeous ceremony._

All the patrons are organized and assigned to sit in their own row, to avoid any altercations or fights between the guests who don’t like each other. Every detail is planned right down to when exactly the groom is supposed to walk down the aisle, even if it is untraditional for homosexual couples, it was a mutual decision from the happily engaged couple.

Jared is at the altar just waiting along with the crowd full of people here to support and celebrate his matrimony to the most gorgeous man he was willing to spen the rest of his life with. The very same man that shared his passion to put away criminals and was more than just a pretty face. Underneath all that beauty Jensen also happened to be a highly intelligent lawyer. How Jensen was able to fall so hard for a man in law enforcement rather than another lawyer was beyond him, but he’s not regretting it. Not one bit.

It just makes him swell up with pride, and all these emotions he normally doesn’t share with anyone overtake him, because today is his day. There are no case interruptions or anything stopping him from this except himself or his lover.

When the carved French wooden doors of the church open everyone turns to look, to see a man in a white tux walk in by himself. When the people and even Jared see that Jensen is glowing so brightly, it does all sorts of things to Jared’s stomach, which is fluttering and twisting in four separate directions. There are just no words that can ever begin to describe the way the shorter man looks, or even how Jared is feeling about all of it. The best part though, is the fact that he’s the reason Jensen’s so happy. He was the one to make it all happen, and it just makes him feel like he’s accomplished the ultimate task no other man could – he’s marrying Jensen Ross Ackles.

When Jensen reaches the altar, he and Jared are both angled toward the woman who’s going to marry them with their hands intertwined together.

“We are gathered here today to unite, Jared Tristan Padalecki and Jensen Ross Ackles in holy matrimony,” she says, beginning with the introduction of the ceremony.  
Somehow they seem to skip right into the vows, which were initially Jared’s idea, but now he can’t help but feel nervous, especially with such a crowd, and the tentative green eyes staring at him.

Despite that though he lets the words flow out, “Jensen, I take you to be my husband to have and to hold from now and until I die. I promise, no matter what, as long as I'm alive, I will devote every day to making you as happy as I possibly can.”

He swears he sees the blond man wipe away a small tear from the corner of his eye, his face is welling up with so much emotion that Jared can actually feel it flowing in his chest.

“Jared, I promise to be there for you and cherish you until my death. I want to see you through everything and never leave your side.”

The crowd coos at that, and Jared can hear their mothers’ soft whimpers in the background, since they’re close to the altar. They both wait patiently, while exchanging the rings at the woman’s request, for the best part of the ceremony.

With a smile, the woman wraps it up with the part they really want to get to, “If there is anybody that believes these two should not marry, please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Of course it stays silent, not even one little twitch is made to break up the ceremony. If anybody did, Jared would have enough time to kick their ass out of the church and go back to his rightful place.

The woman nods, continuing, “Then with the power vested in me, I now pronounce Jared Tristan Padalecki and Jensen Ross Ackles married. You may now kiss the groom.”

Jared leans in so slowly to kiss the other man, and right when he feels his lips brush Jensen’s there’s this loud familiar noise that disturbs him. He turns around to see what it is, but there’s nothing but eyes glaring at him in confusion.

When he turns back to Jensen, still there waiting patiently, he goes back to where he left off. He’s just about to kiss him-

Then there’s a loud noise, like bullets whizzing through the air. Jared can’t see them, he knows physically there is nothing he can see wrong with the man in front of him, or the wedding going on, until he can hear everyone gasping, and he turns to look at the crowd.  
There’s shock and horror painted on his mama’s face, and Donna stands up from her seat to scream, but he can’t hear the sound. There’s no sound.

He turns back to Jensen, and everything’s intact, perfect, until his lover starts to speak, and blood pours out of his mouth.

Jared reaches out to touch him, and blood soaks his hands, staining them dark crimson.

\--

Jared’s heart is pulsing loud and hard, and he’s breathing heavily, practically panting through his mouth when he wakes up. He lifts his head slightly to look at his clock on the bedside table and realizes his body is drenched in cold sweat. It’s three in the morning on a Saturday, when his phone rings and disturbs his peaceful slumber. There hasn’t been any time for him to have a great night sleep and when he finally does-work decides to drop in uninvited.

His bedroom is very dark, with nothing but the flashing screen of his phone. He grumbles underneath his breath, cool air reacting to the sweat covering his body as he psyches himself to remove his limbs from their comfortable position. He has one arm underneath black hair, with the other arm wrapped around his girl’s waist, feeling her soft skin and naked breasts press right up against his chest. The warm contact of naked skin on skin wasn’t really all that delightful to wake up to after one of his reoccurring nightmares, but even so the body was hard to pull away from, God, was it hard!

Jared just sighs in discontent as he gets up out of bed, carefully removing his arm that was snugly around Genevieve’s neck, trying his best not to wake her up. His girlfriend was a pretty heavy sleeper, so his loud phone didn’t even faze her, but he still wanted to be courteous and leave her lying comfortably. When he’s finally out of bed he starts stretching as his phone continues to ring.

Then he leans down to gently kiss Genevieve on her forehead as if it’s some kind of apology she doesn’t really need and picks up his phone off the bedside table.

He slides it open and answers with the same greeting a cop always starts with, “Detective Padalecki. What’s going on?”

“It’s Danni,” says the high pitched, girly voice on the other end, it sounds urgent and alarming to his ears, so he just assumes he’s going to have to go down to the station, day off or not. “We have a rape victim here, normally we’d just call you and fill you in on the case we’re working on later but-”

“But the Captain wants all hands on deck?” Jared asks, trying to find his discarded shirt on the floor of his room, knowing it had to be there, he couldn’t have thrown it that far. Then again when you’re in the middle of hot passionate sex, everything goes out the window, even common sense.

“No, not exactly.” Her voice sounds strained as if she can’t really explain what’s going on.

“Danni, look, I need you to spit it out okay? Right now I’m a public servant, I don’t work weekends, so either you give me a reason why I’m getting called in at three in the morning or hang up and call me back in a few more hours if it’s that important.” He secretly wants to add, _call me later after I’m done freaking out about my nightmares._

Danneel responds after a few moments right before Jared was going to check if she was still on the line, “It’s Bomer.”

Jared has to stop from convulsing and dropping the phone to the floor. He’s sworn to himself that if he ever hears that name again it will be because Jared’s either killed him or had him locked up. This is more than just a shock to him.

“He’s dead, but his last rape victim was brought into the hospital right after he was shot, and she specifically requested you.” Her voice is somewhat calm as if she can tell how upsetting this is to him. Hell everyone in New York should know how horrible this is to him.

He can barely keep his mind from reeling and his hands from shaking. How can he even respond to that kind of news? After years trying to find viable evidence or even a trail on Matt, everything had run cold, especially without the help of their brilliant ADA, and nothing more could be done. Just as quickly as he’d appeared, Bomer had vanished and stopped raping innocents.

Now the guy’s dead, and they have to solve a murder and rape mystery for a pervert. Life was just full of fuck yous for Jared Padalecki.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he clicks the red button to end the call and dashes to the bathroom to put on appropriate attire.

He stares back at his bed and quickly presses a soft kiss to Genevieve’s forehead, because he doesn’t really know how long he will actually live to see tomorrow, he’s learned that lesson the hard way. He doesn’t take life for granted any more since Jensen. Jared could never forget how precious life is without Matthew Bomer’s help.

\--

Saturday 3:10 am  
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL CENTER  
462 1st Avenue, New York, NY 10016  
November 6th, 2010

 

There’s not a lot Danneel can do in her current situation that she wishes would just go away and leave her and her loved ones alone. Unfortunately she’s a cop and that miracle happening is highly unlikely. This is real, just like life itself, it has no reasons or remorse. It happens out of the blue and sometimes it lands to hit good people who don’t deserve it.

 

The lifestyle of a cop is what she’s chosen for herself, the same as her partner and everyone else they work with. The risks and details have all been explained clearly, warnings were issued, fatalities were mentioned, and enemies were sure to be made. Whatever she decided after that was purely her choice and no one else’s. If dealing with low life criminals was part of the job requirement to keep New York clean, so be it. It didn’t stop any of them from doing what they were really passionate about. delivering justice.

 

Now when someone dies, it’s a complete game changer for everyone involved. Death tends to make each and every individual question all the decisions they’ve made, because maybe a different one would have changed that death. Although nine times out of ten there probably wouldn’t have been a different outcome, there’s always that thought that forms, _what if?._

 

Danneel can think of a hundred what ifs with the drop of a dime, but it doesn’t help anyone if she can’t make it happen. That’s just the cold hard truth she has to face. Having to tell her partner, _best friend, that he has to help investigate the scumbag responsible for Jensen’s death, well that’s just reality giving a bitch slap to the face._

 

“Well that was the most heartbreaking conversation I never want to have again,” she sighs, closing her cell and pocketing it in her jacket. “I am most certainly at a loss on this one, guys.”

 

Aldis, Misha, and even Captain Meloni just stand on her left side saying nothing. The whole case is pretty much causing their unit to lose the ability to talk. She doesn’t blame them, because Matthew Bomer being murdered is definitely life altering. Nonetheless their job has never proven to be easy. She can’t imagine it easing off now or any other time in the near future. Difficult is what they have to deal with, and she’s sure Jared will look at it the same way.

 

Captain Meloni breaks the awkward silence by returning everyone to the case they would much rather throw to the wolves. “How much did you tell him about the case?”

 

“Enough to feel his anger through the phone,” Danneel replies. “I told him about the victim asking for him.”

 

He nods at that before going straight into command mode. “I want you three to investigate everyone you can, while he’s talking to our vic.” He turns to Danneel, “There’s a particular reason this victim was chosen; they all fit a pattern.”

 

She quickly responds with an obedient, “Yes, Captain.”

 

He seems satisfied enough when he hears Misha and Aldis respond the same. “I’ll be at the crime scene with Kane and our favorite medical examiner to see what leads we can follow on this. Make sure everything is all wrapped up here, before we meet up again.”

 

As he leaves Danneel just stands around waiting for Jared to show up to put this all in perspective for them. If anyone can shed a light on things it’s him.

 

Saturday 3:40 am  
BELLEVUE HOSPITAL CENTER  
462 1st Avenue, New York, NY 10016  
November 6th, 2010

“What do we have?” Jared asks, Starbucks coffee in hand as he walks down the hospital corridor with Danneel feeding him information from her gathered files.

“The rape victim is twenty-four year old Alexis Bledel - five foot seven, long brown hair with blue eyes. She was found in Central Park with her clothes ripped off, and blood staining her stomach and vaginal area. She was found twenty feet away from Matt Bomer’s dead body,” she explains, only reading bits from the files and adding in her own gathered information given by the doctors. “Bledel was brought in an hour after she was found, yelling and screaming, asking for Detective Padalecki. The strange thing is her license says she’s from Seattle.”

“Was there a rape kit done?” He asks, trying to see if there would be any evidence to test it against if this was in fact the work of Bomer.

Danneel nods her head, confirming that a rape kit was taken, “The doctor found tearing around the vaginal area, so yeah this girl was definitely raped. Also, get this, she was bruised, with very distinctive marks on her inner thighs that fits the pattern of all of Matt’s other victims. For women he picks tall brunettes and-” Jared cuts her off immediately, and she winces when he fills in the rest of the description.

“And he also preys on tall men with blond hair and an athletic build. Yeah, I know, Danni. The guy’s a creature of habitl.” It’s awkward for a moment, only because there are obvious deep seated issues when it comes to Matt Bomer, or the guy who got away with his husband’s murder. He can tell Danneel realizes that, and tries to continue without hitting sensitive topic areas, although really the whole case is a sensitive subject for him.

“We might actually have something here. From what the doctors told me, they believe from the angle of the cuts, she actually did get to look up at him. His face wasn’t covered this time, so he might have just gotten sloppy,” she informs him hoping to cheer him up. “This might be our chance to link him to the other rape cases and help put all those wondering victims’ thoughts to rest.”

The information brings a slight smile to Jared’s face. Finally things might actually be looking up for him, because not only will he get to solve various rapes but also link him to his husband’s death. He still has to solve Bomer’s murder, which wasn’t going to be easy, since the guy had so many people backing him up. It’s why they were unable to catch him in the act. Then there was the fact that some of the victims who could ID him were probably still gunning for him.

Even if he does link Bomer to the rapes it won’t solve all of the personal problems that he keeps deep down inside - the same ones he won’t even admit to Lauren, but it might bring him satisfaction. He thought Matt Bomer’s death would be sweet closure, but if he goes out like a victim then Jared won’t come close to meting out the justice he deserves.

“Well then,” he says, taking his final sip of coffee and throwing the cup into the nearest trashcan, “let’s see what she knows, shall we?” He gestures for Danni to show him the way to the victim’s room. He has hope that he can find some gratification with this particular case, because he can’t go on living with all the blame, hatred, and guilt. He wants to be able to actually look in the mirror for once, and not see Jensen’s bloody face staring back. He wants the courage to go the final step and take his and Genevieve’s relationship to the final step and not feel cold or haunted.

He might not get it all at once, but he has to hope his nightmares will stop, and he will finally be able to stop grieving and mourning and move on with his life, to find acceptance over Jensen’s death.

She obliges and points to the door at the end of the hallway, leading him to where the victim was located. He follows quickly behind her without missing a beat, with his hard-pressed facade firmly in place.

\--

Jared walks in to Alexis Bledel’s room alone, he remembers word for word the description his partner gave him and knows immediately when he sees the girl’s wide blue eyes that he’s approaching the right girl.

Her hair is long and dark brown, almost like chocolate or hazelnut, and her skin is pale and creamy white. She is obviously still in shock, well that isn’t really news; of course she was still traumatized, would be for a while. This poor woman has just been through hell. A rape victim was unlikely to have been on her list of things to become. It’s horrible, especially for someone who probably was very innocent. It’s the worst part of the job sometimes. Jared isn’t at fault for his short temper or extreme violence toward criminals for reasons like Alexis.

“Miss Bledel, I’m Detective Jared Padalecki.” He quickly flashes his badge that he keeps in his front jacket pocket, for easy access. It’s required of him to show proof of some sort just to let the victim or perp, or whomever they were questioning, be sure who they were. “I was told you wanted to talk to me.” He grabs a chair for himself and sits by her bedside. He wants to know as much as she’ll tell him. Or he’ll never know what happened to Matt Bomer, and he was desperate to find out. As much as he wanted to pretend he couldn’t care less what happened to that son of a bitch, he just couldn’t help but be curious how many others had it out for him.

His instinct was telling him that this woman had some insight on the matter, and Jared just needed to use his special detective skills to extract the information from her.

Alexis just stares down at the hands that she’s holding in her lap, trying so hard not to look up and meet Jared’s gaze. She’s terrified and apparently hesitant to speak to him.

“Does the media have it right?” The words take him by surprise for a second, trying to figure out what she means by that out of the blue question, but the woman goes on in her small halting voice without a reply from him. “Do you-Are you good at what you do? I mean solving crimes like this is what you do best?”

At that he gives her his most confident expression, because it’s one question he’s grown accustomed to over the years. He hates to admit it’s the only question he’s never able to answer precisely. He tries his best anyways. “Well Miss Bledel-”

“Alexis, if you don’t mind.” She corrects him, slowly looking up, trying her hardest to stop shaking; at least that’s what it looks like from Jared’s point of view.

“Alexis,” he repeats before continuing with the best answer he can come up with for her earlier question. “I work with the Special Victims Unit, and most of the time that’s cases like this,” pointing out an example that she could relate to, “and I try to solve all of them to the best of my ability. However, there are occasions when I have to stop looking when the leads go dry.”

He wishes he could mention this case in particular as a prime example, because up until now every lead they had on this case had just vanished, and now they probably have evidence, but justice won’t be able to punish Bomer for his actions, because someone else beat them to it. Who knows, if mistakes hadn’t been made the first time around-maybe a lot of events would have been different.

“I guess the media has your department pegged all wrong then, huh?”

It’s pretty much a force of habit to shake his head at that comment. The media had a lot of information wrong, and there were several different factors for that. The main one being the fact that the media was just as likely to dedicate a full page spread to the department’s mistakes as to successfully solved and prosecuted cases. Over the years the media has tended to cause a lot of damage to SVU’s reputation.

The he raises his eyebrows at Alexis in curiosity, “From what I heard, you aren’t a resident of New York Miss-” he corrects himself as she gives him a pointed look, “Alexis. So how do you know about me? From TV?” He suggests, because that seemed a lot more likely. Most of his cases got leaked to the media and were spread all over the place, and he’s sure a well informed woman from Seattle would have heard about that if she watches the news.

“Not exactly,” she shies away from his gaze feeling a little embarrassed. “My best friend, Jacob. Jacob Barnes. He reads the New York Times religiously; he has me bring him a copy every morning just to read up on your cases. I think he has some morbid fascination with you, but he says he just admires your intellect.”

She reaches to the night table next to her with her personal effects. He figures she must have had them with her while she was attacked, and the doctors just let her keep them in the room. He sees her pull out her wallet, “This is Jacob Barnes. I met him about two years ago at the insurance company I work at.”

Her actions turn frantic when she picks through the wallet, unable to find the picture she was looking for, “No, no, I swear I had it in here!” She protests like she has to get Jared to believe she’s right. The reaction is common in cases like hers. There are some victims who get hysterical when their personal items are missing, which is why doctors usually take them away.

“Hey I’m sure it’s there, maybe it just fell in your purse?” He suggests, not wanting to make her any more irritable.

She just shakes her head in disagreement, digging through her purse again, before she grabs her phone. The moment she touches it she seems to calm down for the moment, bringing Jared some relief.

Alexis smiles up at him, picking up the cell phone in his line of sight. Jared just stares at the picture she shows him and can’t help but get momentarily distracted. The man has dark hair and different colored eyes, but his face bears a remarkable resemblance to his late husband. It seems odd that she met him two years ago, because just two years ago was when Jensen died. The smile the Jensen look alike has makes him think back to the first time he saw his lover, back when he was whole and alive .

_It’s midday when he spots this guy near the NYU steps, struggling to catch his falling papers. So he decides to walk up to the man and help him pick up all of the papers he’s dropped on the ground. It was a good thing it was midday, when everyone near the college was out catching lunch around this time, or else there would be an even bigger problem than just picking up papers._

The guy, who he realizes has a killer smile and very bright green eyes that even his wire frames can’t hide,just looks up at him like he actually saved the day.

“I-thanks so much,” The blond guy says, trying to hold on as tightly as he can to all of the papers Jared just helped him pick up off the steps.

Jared just laughs and waves his hand, “It’s no big deal, really,” Jared assures him. “I just saw you and figured you needed some help.”

The guy looks embarrassed at that, but just shakes his head to agree with him. “Yeah, my day’s been pretty hectic, and I just had to be carrying a ton of work for grad school and-” He notices his rambling and stops mid-sentence, his face getting red from further embarrassment. Then he sticks his hand out to Jared, giving up on conversation about why he stumbled and dropped all his work and went into an introduction instead. “I’m Jensen, Jensen Ackles.”

He meets the firm grip with his large hands, and returns the handshake, “Jared Padalecki. So did I hear right? You’re studying to be a lawyer?”

“Well yeah,” Jensen laughs, “it usually scares off most people I meet, but yeah. I’m planning on being a lawyer; I’m at least halfway there.”

“Are there any knowledgeable tips you can share with a struggling police academy student?” He’s just trying to keep their conversation going, talk to him nice and easy, before he springs out an offer to date. He wants this to happen naturally.

Jensen just answers with a warm smile, with noticeable intelligence that’s a very attractive quality in a man. and quotes, “Justice may be blind, but she has very sophisticated listening devices.”

\--

He shakes his head to get out of his doldrums to concentrate on the situation at hand. Luckily Alexis didn’t comment on his little freeze flash so he just went on with the questioning like nothing was wrong. He tries to push all the thoughts of doppelgangers and Jensen to the side, but right beneath the surface there are little thoughts gnawing at him. _Could Jensen still be out there? Or is there a really similar body double he doesn’t know about?_

He clears his throat and leans forward in the chair, maintaining a comfortable distance, before he starts to piece together what he can from her info. “Is this why you wanted to speak to me, Alexis? Do you feel more comfortable talking to me?”

All she does is nod at the question as she puts her belongings away, trying her best not to look at him but it’s not due to embarrassment, it’s because she’s frightened. And from the nightmare she was put through tonight, Jared doesn’t blame her.

More than anything, Jared hates this part of his job. The part when he has to talk to the victims about their experience that will follow them throughout their entire life. The pain it causes them is something he doesn’t like to see. These situations aren’t something any woman, or man for that matter, should have to go through. It’s difficult to drag out information about something they would rather just forget, but then there would be no justice system, and Jared wouldn’t be able to fulfill the part of his job he loved. Even though her rapist is probably dead he still needs to be sure it was him and not someone else. Just so that the record wouldn’t show that the penal system had once again made a mistake and let a criminal walk free.

“Alexis, did you know who your attacker was?” He studies her reactions, taking in how she twitches at that question, still looking so scared. It happens a lot with rape victims, Jared knows far too well how common her reactions are. Usually it’s a lot easier for woman to talk to a female detective like Danneel who’s more understanding and capable even though he’s known people who’ve been in the situation.

He’s about to suggest that she can talk to Danneel until she turns back to look at him square in the eye, “No, not by name, but I remember what he looks like,” she admits and takes a few deep breaths like she’s finding it hard to breathe.

“If you don’t want to talk about this right now I understand,” Jared informs her, trying to keep her stable and calm and not distress her in any way, “but as soon as we get this out of the way we wouldn’t-I wouldn’t have to speak to you about it anymore, unless it was absolutely necessary to the case.”

Alexis quickly shakes her head at that, “No, no, I’m ready to talk about it now. It’s just kind of hard to process it all. The truth is, I don’t think I’ve ever been a victim in my life, much less treated as such. It’s just-I’m sorry um, what is it that you want to know?”

At that Jared takes out a notepad from his inside jacket pocket, along with a pen, ready to take notes to refer back to later.

“I know this is hard for you, but I’m going to need you to explain in detail what you can remember about the assault, okay?” He explains slowly and continues when she answers with another nod. “Tell me everything you can, including what you remember about your assailant, your surroundings; try not to leave anything out. Go ahead,” he gestures her to finally recount what happened.

Alexis takes a few seconds, trying to find her voice in the cold hospital room alone with a detective. He can see her shoulders bunch up and then suddenly relax, when she finally musters up courage to speak. It seems like such a difficult task, but he can see she’s trying to put as much effort into it as she can.

“I was walking around in Central Park trying to kill some time after visiting my family, they just moved up here. My parents and my brothers and sisters had a huge fight during a party my folks were throwing. They were arguing with me about my choices and my lifestyle, so I just got fed up with it all.” She stops for a few seconds giving Jared an opportunity to ask a couple of questions that would help establish a timeline.

“And what time did you leave the house?”

“At around one in the morning, I remember it being around that time, because I checked right before I called a cab. I just decided to walk around Central Park for a while to clear my head,” she claims, pleading with him to believe her as if for a second she thinks he just might not.

“Ok go on,” he urges gently.

“I was just wandering around minding my own business until-” then she stops so abruptly as if she’s seeing what happened in her mind all over again, staring straight out the hospital window she’s facing with a petrified look in her big blue eyes.

He puts one hand on top of hers, silently urging her to continue with her story. She takes it as comfort and goes on with her details.

“A man came at me from behind. It was too dark, and I didn’t even hear him sneak up from behind me, but one second I’m walking around, stuck in my own head space, and the next this random stranger is behind me, choking me,” she cries out still distraught as if she’s reliving it all again. “I have no idea what to do, and while I’m trying to think about what’s going to happen to me, he starts whispering all these things in my ear. He starts saying things like, I’m going to rape you and leave you with a piece of me, and I’m going to make sure you don’t forget me. Then that’s when he starts to rip off my clothing but I start to fight back.” Her voice holds triumph at that point. “He lost his hold on me from behind when I kept kicking at him. I turned around and got a good look of him, these bright blue eyes and this almost black hair, but he got a hold of me again and threw me to the ground and,” she pauses, her breathing shallow, “raped me.”

After a few more moments, “But the absolute worst part is that he used a condom. He made some big show out of it like he was some kind of gentlemen.” Jared saw tears well up in her eyes.

He knows all too well how Bomer covered his tracks, and up until the day he died he was still clean. The story matches every one of Bomer’s victims in every last detail. Over time though, there had never been enough evidence to link him to anything because it was either circumstantial or thrown out. He was to blame for letting the bastard get away and regrets it each time he breathes.

“Alexis,” he trends carefully, “do you know who found you or what happened afterwards?”

Alexis just cries a bit harder than before. “I passed out after he finished. I don’t know what happened but someone brought me in. Everything just went blank when he was done.”

“Ok,” Jared says finally closing his notepad and putting it away in his jacket pocket, “I think we got enough for now, but as soon as you’re back on your feet I’m going to need you to come to the station and take a look at some pictures to see if you can positively ID your attacker. Is there anyone you’d like to call? Your family maybe?” He suggests, trying to get her to talk to someone about this.

“I’ll call someone later to see if they could pick me up, but I’m going to make a call to my-this girl I’m seeing. I figure she might want to know what’s going on.” Then she just cocks her head to the right, clearly thinking from the way she’s biting down on her lip. “Julie’s probably worried I haven’t called her back when I said I would,” she clarifies to Jared.

He reaches to the side of him and finds a phone, dials nine like it reads on the label, and hands the phone to Alexis so she can fill in the rest. Then, he gets up out of his seat and heads for the door, “Thanks for your cooperation, Alexis.”  
\--  
When he walks out the door, Danni and Misha are on the scene, hovering over paperwork, while Aldis is at the nurse’s desk picking up any more information he can on Alexis. Jared can hear him from a distance, chatting up the nurse and asking as many questions as he possibly can. Since she’s a victim, and also a witness, they need to grab as much evidence on her as they can without a warrant.

Misha is the first to notice him approaching and greets him with a small smile and his friendly demeanor. “What did you find out, Pads? Was there any reason why she asked for you?”

“Yeah,” Danneel asks too, also curious, “why was she so adamant on speaking to you?”

Jared shakes his head at all their misplaced jokes, still reeling from all the information he got. After so long he finally gets to nail a man who was untouchable, but the only reason he’s able to prove he did this is because he ended up dead before he could cover his tracks.

With all his other rapes and killings, there was never enough evidence to charge him in court with any of the cases. They had only been able to pin two on him, and even then the evidence had been thrown out due to his unshakeable alibi.

The whole thing seemed like a failure, really. After all this time he was still failing _Jensen._

“She heard of me from the newspapers,” he explains to them, “and decided I was trustworthy enough to talk to about this.”

That causes Danneel to smile at him, “Who wouldn’t, Padalecki? You’re the best.”

Misha’s the one to chime in next. “Aside from that was there anything concrete we could possibly follow up on?”

“Nothing solid enough. She didn’t see what happened to Bomer, because she passed out, but there’s no trace of semen, because the bastard used a condom.” The change of his mood comes too quickly when he answers the question, but that’s only normal considering the gravity of the situation. No one seems to judge him, especially Danneel.

Danneel nods, crossing her arms, “According to Doctor Hartley, the tearing, bleeding, and swelling of the vaginal wall confirm she was raped. There are numerous other injuries she took to her body besides penetration.”

Aldis jumps into their conversation looking pretty skeptical about the given information, “Whoa, wait a minute, you guys!” The darker man holds his hand up in the air in front of Jared and Danneel’s face. “So we have Alexis Bledel raped and beaten, fitting the MO of our rapist, but how do we know this didn’t take a turn for the worse?”

“Aldis might be on to something,” Misha shrugs at the point his partner makes. “I mean, how many times have we seen a victim _accidently kill their rapist?”_

“Exactly!” Aldis exclaims. “Maybe this girl fought back in self-defense and is too scared to admit she killed Bomer,” he points out.

“Right now our job is to figure out what happened to the _victim,” Jared reminds them before he looks back at Alexis’ door with a gut instinct burning bright inside of him. “I’ve been doing this a long time, and I can tell this girl didn’t do anything but scream for her life. So for now Alexis Bledel stays the victim, until new evidence suggest otherwise. Are we clear?”_

“Yes,” they say in unison.

The fact that they can trust him on his gut instinct is still hard to get used to, but they’ve all been in this line of work for what seems like a lifetime. If they can’t trust each other then they’re going to get eaten alive fighting about who’s right and who’s wrong.

“Well if she’s ruled out as a suspect, and we have no real witnesses, who do you think could have killed the rapist?” Misha asks them both, and it is interesting how, when one cruel bastard is eliminated, he is instantly replaced by a murderer.

“We backtrack as far as we can. Go back to any one who had contact with or knew Bomer, up to and including all of his victims who are still alive.” Jared answers. “In the meantime, Danni and I should make our way to the crime scene just to see if anything was missed. Maybe get extra info from the medical examiner.”

“Captain and Kane are there, canvassing the crime scene, and our favorite M.E is on the case. Traci’s the one who called us in.” Danneel informs him as Aldis makes his way over to them. From the look on his face he has something important to report.

“According to the nurses,” the man points to the pretty nurses in their little station, pretending to work and not look towards the detectives, “some man came in asking for Bledel, just before she was brought in. All they know is that he has a pale completion and dark brown hair, average. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the guy.”

Jared laughs at Aldis in awe. “If that’s all you can get out of the nurses, you’re losing your touch, Hodge.”

Aldis usually likes to turn on the charm with anyone he can in order to get more information out of them.

Apparently the other man disagrees, because his happy demeanor doesn’t fade. “I may not know who the man was, but my little buddy in the corner of the wall might tell us.”

Jared follows Hodges’s finger to a camera and just shakes his head. “Good work man. Now if you could be useful and scrape up the footage. so we can find out if this guy is at least a possible lead.” Before starting to turn around he adds, “Oh and, Misha, if you’ve gotten over your fear of cameras, I’m sure the Captain and the rest of us would appreciate it if you actually did help your partner out.”

That remark causes Danneel and Aldis to chuckle, because a cop with that kind of fear was still downright hilarious to them.

“It’s a government conspiracy guys. You laugh, but half the crimes we try and solve use cameras against us!” Misha exclaims in a huff.

“Damn man, you bring a whole new definition to crackpot. Come on; let’s go do this, before the government starts to plan their attack on earth.”

Jared finally turns to leave, so they can make it to the scene and hopefully have time to meet up with Traci Dinwiddie.  
==  
Saturday 6:50 am  
Central Park (Crime Scene)  
830 5th Ave, New York, NY  
November 6th, 2010

The crime scene turns out to be a bust. He’s not sure if he should have seen something like this coming, but he is at a total loss right now. Somehow, disappointment seems to be fond of a detective like him, since it always ends up working its way to him.

“We looked under every stone, Jared. I mean there was nothing left behind that Chris and the others didn’t pick up on their first time checking out the scene. There’s basically nothing here to tell us who shot our rapist.” Danneel was practically seething, because she had been just as hopeful as Jared to find something left behind at the crime scene.

There wasn’t anything left behind. Not one single lead. Their only possible lead was the unidentified man that went to see Alexis, and if that doesn’t pan out, they’re screwed to the wall.

When his phone rings, and the caller ID says Dinwiddie M.E, he realizes there are still other things to have faith in, even if they have dead ends everywhere else.

Jared instantly picks up the phone, “We were just about to head your way. Please tell me you got some good news for us.”

On the other line he can actually hear Traci smirking through the phone as she laughs at his desperate plea for some new evidence on the case.

“On the body? No, not yet, sweetheart. I’m still examining it, but,” he can hear Traci’s voice waver on the phone, and he knows it might not be any good news he wants to hear, “I did find something interesting you might want to look at if you find the time.”

If anything Jared just finds himself insanely curious about this whole thing. “I’ll be there,” he assures her as Danneel raises an eyebrow at him in question

As soon as he’s done he snaps his phone closed and just tells Danneel, “Traci found something she wants me to look at, so we can just meet up at the station later.”

He doesn’t give her the chance to speak at all, not once, before he turns to leave.  
==  
Saturday 7:12 am  
Medical Examiner’s Office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 6th, 2010

He stares down at a very tattered photograph. The shot and quality is great, professional, but what gives him the chills down his spine are the two people in the photo. In the photograph there’s Alexis in a polka dot dress, nothing too fancy, with her hair swept up in a bun, and a big smile on her face, right next to a gorgeous man. A man who closely resembles Jensen. It’s a change of scenery from the one Alexis had shown him earlier.

Jared finds himself utterly dismayed, “You can’t be serious about this.” For a brief moment he hopes this is some old friend Jensen never told him about, or some extremely cosmic coincidence. Because if there is no explanation, only evidence, it means that somehow his husband is still out there, and for a moment he’s caught between believing and resisting the slight possibility of that.

The mere idea alone would do nothing but break everything he’s built for himself, everything he’s come to terms with in therapy and raise a ton of questions he might not want answers to.

When Jared finally finds himself able to look up at Traci to meet the sympathy he can see in her eyes, he can see that she feels just as bad about this whole theory as he does. Just like everyone else, she knows how deeply Jensen’s loss affected him. Jensen’s death kept him from work, because everyone believed the ordeal would be enough to cause a mental breakdown.

“I know how all this must sound to you, considering who we’re talking about here,” the person she’s alluding to is clear, and it comforts him that the name doesn’t need to be spoken aloud. “I wouldn’t have even brought it up unless I thought it was necessary. I just thought it might help that somehow there’s a tie with Alexis.” Then she takes a pause, and he can tell she’s trying her best to tell him something else. It takes a few moments, because Traci has always been the one to try and handle subjects like this with finesse. “It might also mean that this man, whoever he is, could’ve been another unidentified victim, or in some way connected to-”

With a shaken breath Jared finally responds. “At the hospital, Alexis was trying to find a picture to show me, but the picture went missing from her purse.” He stares wearily at the picture, like it’s something he should fear. “That’s her best friend, Jacob Barnes, it’s how she knew who I was.”

Slightly confused by that comment Traci just blinks at him. “How exactly do these two know you?”

He hesitates before answering, knowing how crazy it sounds but decides to tell his friend anyways. “She mentioned that this man,” he points to Jacob, “collected newspapers from New York to keep up with the all times I’m mentioned in it. It’s why she asked for me personally.”

“Well this just got a lot deeper than I thought it would.”

“No kidding,” he agrees. “Thanks anyways for-I mean for bringing this up to me alone.”

“I just thought you might want to know,” she informs him again in a low tone. “If I were in the same situation, I would want to know.”

He stops to look up at her when she says those words and despite everything in his gut that’s telling him to move on and let go, he finds himself entertaining a completely insane notion, knowing that if he doesn’t he’ll always be left to wonder about all of this.

“You could do me a favor just to be on the safe side.”

She laughs at that, “I know this is going to spell trouble but sure. What would you like me to do?”

“I want you to run a DNA match on a Jacob Barnes for me, if you can? He’s an insurance worker at PEMCO in Seattle.” He’s aware that what he’s asking is a long shot, but he has to know.

She just gives him the biggest smile, “It would take some time, but I’m sure I can talk to some of the people I know up there.”

All he can say in reply is, “Thanks.” He doesn’t know how else to show her how enormous his gratitude is right now.

==

  
Saturday 8:15 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 6th, 2010

“It’s tragic,” Katie Cassidy starts off as soon as Jared enters the precinct to meet up with Danneel and the rest of the unit and find out what has been gathered.

 

The petite blonde was a trainee under Jensen’s wing, before he took the job at the district attorney’s office to aid the Special Victims Unit. Now the fact that she was qualified to take over the ADA position was an understatement. The girl was a firecracker in the courtroom, and there’s an infinite number of people who agree. Katie has pretty much made arguing her point to a jury into an art.

 

Maybe they’ve gotten into it once or twice, solely based on different points of view on some of the cases they’ve had to solve. Other than that Katie isn’t high on his _people who annoy me list. If she were, he would have figured out a way to avoid her by now._

 

He indulges her by raising an eyebrow in question. “And what might that be, counselor?” They walk into the lobby and make their way onto the second floor where the others are sure to be waiting for them.

She just smiles smugly at him as if he might be walking into some hidden booby-trap. “Oh, you know, the fact that a serial rapist is dead.”

Jared just shakes his head, not really sure where the blonde is going with all this. “It happens all the time, unfortunately. We just have to take the brunt and figure out who shot the bastard.”

“Wrong, Padalecki,” Katie says poking him square in the chest. “This case is supposed to be solved by detectives who are not directly involved in this.” She throws her hands up in the air, “I can’t believe I have to explain to you how many rules you’re violating by even helping with this investigation.”

Jared’s face twists up in anger at the woman yelling in his face about all of this. The problem with Katie is that she sometimes tends to rile up people too quickly instead of handling things calmly. “What rules would those be?”

“How about conflict of interest?” She counters with a knowing face, and it’s unbelievable how good this woman is at being snarky. “Matt Bomer had something to do with Jensen’s death. We’re not sure how, but you and I sure as hell know he had something to do with it. All a defense lawyer needs is to bring that up in court and the whole case could be dismissed so fast. They don’t need to know why or how, just the fact that you knew a previous victim, and that it might've somehow have clouded your judgment to convict the actual killer..”

At that Jared scoffs, “Well see the problem with that is Bomer wasn’t brought into question for Jensen’s murder due to lack of evidence. He wasn’t even charged with assault because Jensen didn’t have the chance to testify.”

“Every judge knows what happened, but you’re right, I can argue that in court. I just want to make sure that your heart’s truly into to solving this case.” She pauses for a few seconds, looking away from him. “I know what Jensen meant to you, and I'm more than willing to back your play on this, because I trust you, but I swear that if it isn’t for the right reasons-“

Jared puts a hand on her shoulder cutting her off. “I’m a cop, Katie. That means solving cases to the best of my ability, no matter what I have against the murder victim. We both know that whatever defense is brought up won’t hold in court, but I swear to you that I’m not doing this for the wrong reasons.”

Katie’s face softens at his words, convinced that Jared is being honest with her about all of this. “Don’t disappoint me, Padalecki.”

==

Saturday 9:01 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 6th, 2010

Jared slams his hand on his desk with Danneel following right behind him. He just got the call from Misha saying that Eric David Bledel, the man that went to go check on Alexis in the hospital, is definitely not their guy. Obviously he is just the over protective brother, who seemed to appear suspicious, but other than that he is clean. According to Misha he has an airtight alibi which means they have to let him go. If Jared had been there he knows he would have found out more, but he’s sure that in this moment that facts don’t lie. If there’s proof saying he was nowhere near the crime scene when Alexis was attacked there’s not much else that can be done.

Even talking with Traci and re-canvassing the crime scene didn’t seem to help him in the least little bit. There was this overwhelming pressure in his gut to solve this damn case, just so he can put to rest his worst fears. All he could think of is figuring out who got to Matt Bomer before he could. Why had Bomer come out of the woodwork after two years in the shadows, with nothing to go on but a photo of the victim and his husband’s body double? Why didn’t any of this make sense?

His red haired partner breaks his train of thoughts, “Did Misha say how he knew she was in the hospital?”

“Yeah, apparently a friend of his who works there saw Alexis being rolled in and gave the brother a call. All of it seemed to check out.” He hunches his shoulders in disappointment. He can’t help but be stuck on how much all of this is a mind fuck of epic proportions. It’s as if everything that used to make sense doesn’t anymore. His thoughts are so tangled that his body’s getting tense and flushed.

He’s taken aback when Danneel places her hand on his shoulder, “I think you should go home and get some rest, Padalecki. You’re no good to any of us when you haven’t had enough sleep.”

He should know that after eight years of working together Danneel can read him like a paperback. The woman could see through all his walls no matter how high or how strong they were. It had been a bit flattering at first, but it was sometimes annoying, too.

He shrugs her off, but she’s right. He’ll drive himself crazy with all the questions he wants answered if he doesn’t find his way home to his girl to at least ease off his tension.at the moment he’s tired, but he knows that sleep won’t do much good for him. He’d rather sit down and listen to Genevieve’s sweet voice ramble on, high pitched and excited, than go back to the nightmares that haunt him.

“Yeah I guess I should make it back home. Call me if we get something,” he warns her as he makes his way out the door.

“Trust me; I’m not afraid to wake you up to take you away from your gal,” she calls back after him,and he just waves her off.

Jared just waves her off and gets distracted when his phone starts to buzz. A smile starts to form on his face when he sees his girlfriend’s name flash on the screen. Then he realizes that, when he has those moments where work irritates him, because situations just don’t add up, or they remind him of Jensen, Genevieve knows somehow and finds ways to make it all better. Sometimes it’s just with a few words, and at other times it’s more than that. When he has those moments, he can’t help but wonder why he feels so guilty about loving her to begin with.

He wanders out of the station just to reread the message again, feeling a little lighter than before, and finds a bench right outside the station to sit on, so he can text her back. He can feel the breeze blowing through his hair and see the bright spikes of orange glow from the sun. It’s funny how he notices all the beautiful things when he’s talking to his brunette photographer. It’s a miracle that she found her way through into his heart, or he’d be having the most miserable time, especially now.

 

Genevieve Cortese

_Hey, I didn’t know you got called in for work today! I guess days off for you are redeemable, huh? LOL. Ok Well I’m here at the house, so when you have a break, meet me for lunch! And please don’t forget to call me! I just like knowing you’re ok. It’s a thing us girlfriends are fond of. I love you. :p_

Jared Padalecki

_Love you too. I’m free right now if you don’t mind grabbing breakfast._

Genevieve Cortese

_Sounds good to me, babe. I’ll meet you at that diner we like on 6th Street. Be there in all your cop glory! LOL._

He starts laughing within an instant, and he can barely feel the pang of guilt stinging at his side. He likes when his mind is off all the things that don’t make sense. He’s glad Genevieve is the one that can do that.

  
\--

  
Saturday 9:26 am  
6th Street Kitchen  
507 East 6th street New York, NY  
November 6th, 2010

  
Jared laughs out loud, throwing his head back as he sits across from Genevieve with her enormous plate of high cholesterol food. The girl was able to pack away as much food as she wanted and burn it off without even sweating. She makes a point of telling him about thirty times a day that she has a fast metabolism and is blessed. Unlike her, Jared has to work twice as hard when he follows his daily workout routine to make sure the pounds stay off his lean body. Being able to tell her how hard he works at looking good always seemed to spark laughter from both of them.

“What?” She snorts in laughter at him, looking genuinely surprised. “You know that I love to eat a greasy breakfast. I’m not some bubble gum princess that needs to watch my figure. I was born symmetrical.” She flaunts her chest and bats her eyelashes like some lustful school girl, making Jared scoff in response.

“Yeah I’m just surprised at how much food that body can withstand. If it’s not the fat that’ll kill you it’s going to be the amount of grease that plate is drenched in.”

That earns him a pout from her pretty face and her doe eyes widen as if she’s honestly hurt by his comments. He knows she’s not offended, because her face expression changes in an instant.

Genevieve sticks out a wagging finger, “I’ll have you know that despite the foods I eat I’m in perfect health. I got a doctor to prove it too.” Her face scrunches upand her tongue pokes out, “So there Mr. Big Bad Detective. Take that.”

He puts his hands out in surrender to show that she has won this battle. Instead of continuing with more insults, he picks up his fork to tear into the plate in front of him. It’s smaller that the pancake special spectacular Genevieve has ordered, but he figures that eggs and bacon with a side of hash browns is enough to fill him up. He wasn’t really up for an extravagant breakfast.

Genevieve’s eyes dart down at his plate, and Jared can feel her calculating small details in her mind. It’s strange how he’s surrounded by women that read people so well. It’s something that will inevitably get him into a lot of trouble in the long run.

He sighs and puts his fork down on the table before staring up into her intense eyes. “What is it?”

That just makes the smaller woman smile and reach out to place her hand on top of his larger one. There’s a long moment where they just stare into each other’s eyes like they’re having a private conversation via telepathy. He knows that if they attempted it they would probably succeed. Even now that the memory of Jensen’s death has been brought to the surface again, Jared can still feel the strong emotional connection to Genevieve. The warmth and love that flows from her every time he speaks to her or sees her is something he simply can’t ignore.

“Tell me what’s bothering you Jared.” Her voice sounds calm yet persistent. Jared knows from previous experience that she won’t let up until he gives in.

“It’s just this case I’m working on, that’s all. It’s got me a little crazy, but I’ll be ok.” He tries his best to sound confident, but even he knows it’s a lie. No matter how hard he tries to forget, or how distracted he is, he can feel the prods of the Bomer case suffocating him slowly but surely.

Her face basically tells him that she isn’t buying anything he’s saying, so he opts for the truth even though it’s against his will.

“There were some old ghosts brought up on this case. We have to find the murderer of a rapist.” He throws it out there like it’s a regular breakfast topic and not something heartbreakingly hurtful.

He knows that giving her too much information isn’t a good idea, but it’s one of those things he trusts her with, despite the fact that she’s a freelance reporter. They made it clear to each other in the beginning of their relationship that whenever he would talk to her about cases they were off the record and not to be shared with anyone else. The promise has been kept so far.

Her eyes go wide at his comment, and she places her hand over her mouth for a couple of beats before she speaks again. “Oh my god that’s…” She trails off for the right words but seems at a loss for them. “I don’t even know how to describe how fucked up that is.”

Jared snorts, “Tell me about it.”

“Wait a minute, if it was just murder doesn’t that fall into homicide’s jurisdiction?”

“Not exaxtly.The victim raped someone before he died, and, because of his reputation, Homicide was willing to let us handle this. And for the first time I wish they could've taken this crapshoot case off our hands. Instead the unit's in charge of solving this piece of shit’s death.”

Now Jared is a firm believer in moral code. If someone is killed it doesn’t matter what they did wrong. A crime is a crime, and murder is murder. That’s just how it is, because laws were made for a reason. It just so happens that there are a few exceptions like this one. There’s no forgetting the man who had a hand in killing his husband. All the hatred he had toward Bomer couldn’t be buried along with Jensen, no matter how many therapy sessions he’d had with Lauren. There's just some pains that won’t ever go away.

“I can tell why you’re frustrated, but is that all that’s really bothering you about it?”

“It was the man who-“ He pauses afraid to say it out loud. There aren’t that many people in the diner with them to overhear their conversation, but he’s still a little cautious about the information he gives in public places. He sometimes forgets about what he’s saying out loud when he’s with Genevieve. It like his mind fades away, and he loses track of where he’s at when he’s talking with her.

“Oh my god!”

He shushes her with a hand, “I know it’s a shock, but there’s really nothing I can do about it.”

“You shouldn’t have to be involved in this, Jared. I mean, your captain must be nuts letting you in on this case.”

“My captain’s pretty sure I can handle it.”

“And how do you feel about it,” she questions.

“Honestly, I think it’s going to be one of those cases where I just have to ignore my feelings,” he admits.

She rolls her eyes at that. “Like that’s healthy? Please Jared, its one thing to hate a case, and it’s another to completely turn off your emotions about it. All you’re doing is storing up more frustration to unload later at the worst time ever. I thought you were past that.”

The words sting him to the core, but her words don’t really change the facts. It might be something he’d rather avoid, but it is still his job that he swore to do.

“I promise,” he assures her, “I'm past that. I just need to get this case solved and put through court. The sooner I do so; the sooner it’ll be out of mind and out of sight.”

She nods at him, a little more at ease and agreeable to that promise. “I’m here if you need me.”

“I know,” he smiles back thoughtfully. “And you have no idea how grateful I am.”  
\--  
Saturday 12:30 pm  
The Coffee Zone  
Seattle, Washington  
November 6th, 2010

“Oh my God, Jacob!”

Jacob glances away from the new kid trying to ring in his order and briefly feels a sense of gratitude that Julie is in after all. It isn’t that he doesn’t understand that when someone starts a new job it takes a while, before he or she gets the swing of things, but he was already running late, he hadn’t left the office until almost midnight the night before, trying to catch up on both his own work and Alexis’s, and had overslept because of it, and the last thing he really needed was to be held up by some guy trying to figure out how to code a cup of coffee in the register, but then he gets a look at Julie’s face.

Her eyes are red, her face is splotchy, and the closer she gets, the easier it is for him to see the dried salt tracks streaking her face.

“Julie?” He forces himself not to back up and try to get away from her clawing fingers as she rounds the counter and grabs him by the wrists. “What’s wrong?”

“You haven’t heard? She didn’t tell you?” Julie demands and starts to walk backwards, heedless of anyone in her way, dragging Jacob with her by the arms. “It’s horrible, Jacob. How could something like this happen?”

A chill races down his spine and then spreads out, making his fingers go numb and his mind hazy. He doesn’t want his thoughts to instantly jump to Alexis’ but how can they not? It isn’t like he and Julie have many friends in common, and he hasn’t heard from Alexis’ since she left, and she had promised she would call him when she got into town, and she hasn’t. And she hasn’t returned any of his calls or texts.

“Julie, what’s going on?”

Heads turn at his outburst, but he ignores them and lets her drag him around the counter and into the back room.

“Jesus.” She mutters, letting him go in favor of closing the door and then starting to pace the confined room. “Jesus Christ!”

Jacob has to fight down the urge to grab her hands to stop her from wringing them so violently that he can clearly see the knuckles have bled white. His back hits the door behind him and he lets it support his weight, legs turning as numb as his hands in his sudden terror. This isn’t just Alexis being her normal, scatterbrained self, something terrible has happened and somehow Julie has found out about it.

A corner of his mind points out that he is supposed to be Alexis’ best friend so shouldn’t he already know if something bad has happened? But the thought can’t hold against the spiraling of fear racing through him. Maybe later, once he knows what is wrong and has had time to process it he wwill be hurt or maybe angry but not now.

“I thought she would have called you.” Julie is running her hands through her red hair, grasping at it and tugging. “If I had known that you didn’t know…”

“Julie…”

She spins and freezes him with a look, “Alexis has been raped.”

Jacob doesn’t realized that his legs have given out, until his ass hit the floor, hard, and his breath is punched out of his lungs. Raped? Oh God. Oh God.

It feels like being back there again. The feeling of disconnect from the drugs racing through his system, the hopelessness rising up to choke off his air supply. the burning pain from the knife slicing through skin and getting stuck in a rib. Jacob’s hands curl into useless fists in his lap and he has to fight down the urge to push away the phantom image of Matt Bomer floating in front of him. It isn’t real. It is not real, not this time.

Only for Alexis’ it was.  
\--

 

 _Matt Bomer Case_  
Two Years Earlier  
2008

 

Jensen may be a popular guy in the NYPD – his conviction rate alone should cement that just fine – but that doesn’t mean he gets the luxurious corner office he’d always envisioned when he first told his mom and dad, proudly, that he was going to law school. He could have gone corporate, could be defending movie stars or top rate politicians and be getting paid the sort of retainer he can only dream of.

 

Instead, he’s slumped over a scarred old wooden desk in a glorified closet at - he blinks and pulls his glasses off his nose, blinking hard to clear the blur of too much typeface passing before his eyes – 1:38 AM.

 

Jensen groans and rubs at his tired eyes, before he pushes his glasses back on again. He cut the overhead light a couple hours back, when the janitors finished their final sweep of this part of the building, and even the neon signs decorating the clubs and bars downtown have started to snuff out, one by one. Now, he’s huddled under the weak pool of light emitted by the dusty plastic desk lamp that’s perched amongst stacks of case folders and dirty coffee cups. The light spills out in pale tendrils and most of the room, despite how small it is, is cloaked in darkness. The only other source of illumination in the building right now is the security light in the hallway beyond the break room, and all Jensen can hear is the distant bustle of the bullpen, hushed because of the late hour.

 

Jensen is just about to go scrounge up another cup of coffee, so he can finish off this court report when the sound of his phone suddenly blasting out the tinny notes of some ridiculous top-40, teeny-bopper pop song draws him back from the doorway. Jared thought it would be funny to sneak the song onto Jensen’s phone and set it as his own personal ringtone. The first time Jensen knew of this development had been halfway through a meeting with the governor, and he hadn’t put out for a fortnight afterward.

 

He smiles now as he glances down at the screen flashing Jared’s name and a goofy photo Jensen had snapped with the phone’s camera; in it, Jared’s eyes are wide – bugging out of his head – and his cheeks are stuffed full with marshmallow fluff. He looks stupid, but the picture never fails to put a smile on Jensen’s face, even when he’s mad at the man.

“This is a ransom message,” Jared says when Jensen answers the phone, before he even gets out a ‘hello’.

 

Jensen chuckles and sinks back into his office chair. “You’d better hope you’ve got something I can’t live without,” he says with a smirk.

 

Jared doesn’t answer for a moment and then there’s a loud series of crunches and a mechanical whirring that Jensen instantly recognizes.

 

“Ok!” Jensen cries, exaggeratedly, hearing the smile creep into his voice, even though he tries to hold it back.

 

“Meet my demands or the grinder gets it,” Jared continues, as if he hadn’t heard Jensen interject. He sounds sleepy, his voice drawling all warm and honey sweet in Jensen’s ear, and Jensen can imagine him curled up on the couch in their living room, broad shoulders and thick forearms wrapped up in the threadbare hoodie he likes to wear on cold nights.

 

“And what is it you want exactly?” Jensen finds himself asking, almost holding his breath he’s so eager to hear the answer.

 

Jared sighs softly over the line and then says, “I want one husband under my covers, sans any and all work paraphernalia. Clothing optional,” he adds.

 

Jensen bites at his lip, looking down at his empty coffee mug and then over at the sentence he left hanging, the flash of the cursor on his word document strangely accusing. Jared is silent on the phone, letting Jensen get there on his own without pushing, showing Jensen just how well Jared knows him.

 

There’s really no contest here.

 

Jensen clears his throat and starts shutting down his computer. “So, I don’t normally negotiate with kidnappers, but I'm a husband. If I can choose which side of the bed I get, maybe we can come to some arrangement.”

 

There’s a snort on the other end of the line and then Jared says, “Eh, you’ll do.”

 

“I’ll see you in twenty minutes. Love you,” Jensen says fondly, before he hangs up and snaps his briefcase shut, tucking it down under the desk. He’ll be back bright and early in the morning anyway, no need to carry it all home just to lug it back again.

 

Besides, Jared was pretty specific about the no work thing.

 

Jensen is too caught up in trying to finish up in order to get back home to Jared’s warm embrace and a comfortable bed to notice the sudden change in the atmosphere that overtakes the office. It doesn’t even set the alarm bells ringing for him how eerily silent it is, until it is much too late. It isn’t until he feels the press of the cold, sharp blade against the nape of his neck that he knows he is in danger. What makes it even worse is that he knows the culprit without out even having to face him. He’s only working one case, and there’s no other person who’d really be ballsy enough to even try assaulting an ADA. Then again Matt Bomer isn’t just any ordinary criminal.

 

“I pretty much had you pinned for a workaholic,” Bomer says with something akin to giddiness in his voice. The man gets a thrill out of stalking and hunting his prey. There’s no doubt in his mind that he considers this moment to be his greatest accomplishment. “Nice little set up you got here, counselor. It must really bring you pleasure doing your line of work.”

 

Jensen has never really been one to play the poor distressed victim. Reason being it played into the criminal’s delusion that they bagged someone defenseless, which pretty much seals their fate to die. Not only that, but he has to uphold his dignity and pride.

 

“Oh you mean putting rapists like you behind bars?” His voice is straightforward and cocky. He shows no fear, even though this situation is the scariest thing he has ever faced in his years of being a lawyer. It’s insane that all he can do is be sarcastic and hardheaded rather than beg for his life. Maybe being married to a cop or being a lawyer has something to do with it. He knows first-hand that if you show any criminal fear, weapon or no weapon, that you’re an easy target to prey on. It’s better to hide all the fear inside and pray that it’ll save your life. “It’s funny how putting people like you in the big house gives me warm fuzzies at the end of the day.”

 

Bomer laughs at that, “You know what else is funny? Here I am with a knife to your throat, and all you can manage is to crack insults. Didn’t anyone ever explain to you about proper victim etiquette?” Bomer proceeds to taking a deep inhale at the nape of Jensen’s neck, face lingering in the certain spot longer than normal. The gesture is seen as disgusting by Jensen in ways he can’t even begin to explain. “Try as you might, counselor, I can smell the fear all over you. So go ahead and make your wisecracks, just know that I can see right through you.”

 

He doesn’t get the chance to respond with a witty remark, because in a matter of seconds he’s spun around so quickly that he suffers a dizzy spell. The first couple of blows to the face don’t even register, until he finds himself on the ground, face first into the tile. There’s a burst of pain blossoming on the left side of his face, and he isn’t strong enough to lift his hands to touch them to see how bad the damage is. There are flashes of color in front of his eyes that make every sudden movement unbearable. Even the sudden swell of his temples can’t compare to the pain he’s feeling everywhere.

 

Then he’s flipped onto his back to face his attacker, who is of course wearing a mask in the heat of his attack.

 

The man smiles down at him with a smirk that Jensen just wants to punch off his face. The other man seems to somehow pick up on his thoughts and points to his mask. “Oh I know you’re disappointed that you can’t see my face while I have my way with you,” he gently strokes the blade down Jensen’s left eyebrow, before he applies a little bit more pressure in order to break the skin. Jensen hisses in pain as the knife travels down to his cheek with more pressure than the first cut. It takes all the strength he can muster to bite his bottom lip to hold in the gasps of pain.

 

The man caress his hair like he’s Jensen’s lover, soft hands going through his blonde hair so smoothly. “You know, since this is off the record, I think I can share with you the reason behind those distinctive marks I leave behind on thighs - or any body part, really.”

 

It’s a mystery how the man can speak to him so nonchalantly - as if he isn’t holding Jensen down with a knife. When he begins to think about it Jensen can feel a heavy weight on top of him that starts to push down on his chest. It dawns on him that he’s being straddled by Bomer. If there was ever a time to panic, now would be the best. Here he is, stuck in the clutches of a rapist, and there’s no doubt in his mind that he’s going to become the next rape victim. The thoughts that start coming aren’t comforting at all.

 

“You see I like to mark my victim,” Bomer shows the knife as an example. “It doesn’t matter where. I mean I think about it this way. At one point in time that person who had the pleasure of being taken by me is going to get intimate again, or have to take off their clothes. And when they do everyone will be able to see my mark. Carved into their skin like a birthmark they can’t scrub off.”

 

The disgust rolls around in his stomach just listening to the trite explanation he’s been given. It’s sad how this man seems to perceive himself as god’s gift to mankind, instead of a menace to humanity.

“But you, Ackles?” The man remains constant in his rant, not missing a beat to reveal his master plan like the ultimate villain he is. “You’re my greatest accomplishment yet. I mean you really proved to be my greatest challenge yet. It’s no secret that you, my friend, are the biggest enigma there is. The thing is, you’re no different than the others. You share the same weaknesses every one of my victims did.”

 

“And what would they be?” Jensen gasps out. A low whisper is all he can manage in his current position. If he’s going to be here anyway, it only seems right to satisfy his curiosity.

 

“You care too much.” The blue eyes that peek out from the eye holes of the mask turn lustful when he reaches down to touch Jensen’s crotch, pleasing himself while Jensen is helpless. “But I got to tell you, figuring you out was worth it.” Then Bomer bends himself down to his ear and whispers, “After I’m done with you no one is ever going to think of coming near you again. You’re going to be tainted like me. You’re going to be mine forever.”

 

The words hit home harder than ever. It strikes Jensen unexpectedly how being raped will affect everything in his life. The people he loves will be treated differently, and his sense of security will be non-existent. The need to push away people he loves will wreck all the relationships he took forever strengthening. He’ll be ruined by another man’s touch. The feeling is so overwhelming he can’t do anything but look around the room for any possible chance of escape.

 

“The best part is I’m untouchable. Even now there’s no one that can stop me. Not even that red neck detective you’re married to,” he taunts right into Jensen’s ear. Bomer’s arousal becomes noticeable when he drags Jensen closer while still keeping a grip on his crotch. Bomer wants to make sure he feels everything. “I’m going to mark you as mine just to show him how impure you really are. See how much he’ll want you, when you’re all used up.”

 

Jensen gathers all of his energy when he remembers his desk. There’s a gun taped under his desk that’s registered to him for emergencies. He’s never been so grateful in his life that his husband is an overprotective cop, who sees a gun as the best anniversary present ever. It helps him gather all his strength to push off the man on top of him, before dragging himself across the floor to his desk that’s mere inches away. He’s huffing and breathing harshly, but he manages to make it to the gun and rip it off.

 

“What are you going to do, counselor? Shoot me?” The crazy man taunts. The amusement is clear as day on his face, and it only makes Jensen angry.

 

He cocks the gun, trying to look as convincing as a beaten up man dragging himself on the floor can be. “Do you really wanna try me?”

 

Bomer process to dropping his knife to ground and spreads his hands straight out. “I’ll do you one better. I’ll give you free aim,” he offers.

 

Jensen tries his hardest to hold back his gasp of surprise. When he tries to pull the trigger there’s something that keeps him from it. There’s a feeling in his gut telling him, no you can’t. It says, no you’re not a killer, you’re not like him. No matter how headstrong or determined he may be about putting a stop to Bomer’s crimes, he’s not willing to turn into a murderer. That’s not the reason he became a lawyer. He lowers the gun and sighs in defeat. He just can’t bring himself to take the shot.

 

The other man nods in acknowledgement. “It’s like I said, counselor. People like you care too much. It’s a weakness that gets people killed.” At that point Jensen isn’t too sure if it had been a lingering threat or a promise, but it’s definitely something. “And don’t go mistaking this as a victory, because you can bet your lucky ass I’ll be back. I’m not going to stop, until I make sure I’m the guy you’ll never forget. Until you’re mine, everything else stops.”

 

The crazy obsession is so frightening when it’s up close rather than at a distance. He’s never been the dying desire of a psycho before. It stuns him in place as the man just walks away unscathed and satisfied.

\--  
He tries his hardest not to break down when Jared finally makes it to the scene. He backs away when the taller man tries to wrap his arms around him. He backs away from prodding hands, wrapping his arms around himself, wanting nothing more than to to crawl into his bed and sleep, until he can forget everything that has happened.

The problem with that is Bomer knows all too well what he’s doing. He knows how to mentally inflict pain on Jensen without even trying. All it’s taken were a couple of unwanted touches, and a few words, and Jensen has been easily reduced to a puddle of water.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says in the most sincere way. It should be comforting but it is the exact opposite. All it does is bring him anguish.

Even after all they’ve been through, Jensen can’t think of anything else to say. All he has to give is shameful silence.

Right now all he can think of is scrubbing off his skin, until he can be considered clean again.

\--  
Sunday 6:00 am  
Medical Examiner’s Office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 7th, 2010

Jared cannot emphasize enough how much he hates escorting a victim to identify her attacker, because there seems to be no words in the entire English dictionary to explain the amount of grief it gives him. Sure, it helps the victim find justice and come to terms with the rape, but sometimes he can’t help but wonder if shutting down and being left alone to deny that anything ever happened is really such a bad thing.

He loves being a cop, no matter what. It brings him great satisfaction to know he caught the latest criminal. It’s just now he’s starting to have a different perspective on what he does. Now he looks at the victims and is able to sympathize with them a little more than he used to. If it weren’t for Jensen’s death, or the fact he had almost been raped by Bomer, he’d probably handle this the same way he tried to do everything else. He would try and sympathize even though he really didn’t know how to feel or what to say.

Now he does.

Alexis just stares at the door to the ME’s office, and he can see her hesitate to move forward. He’s not surprised when she turns around and walks right in between him and Danneel to try and get away.

“No I can’t,” Alexis struggles, trying to break free and get away from this place. “I don’t care if he’s dead! I can’t face him!” She lets a small stream of tears spill from her eyes, and he can hear how broken her voice is. He remembers how defeated Jensen was in an almost similar situation.

It happens to most of the victims, and he understands why. It’s hard to face your fears. He was feeling the same way when he had to hold Jensen’s lifeless body in his arms. It won’t be easy for Alexis, because it wasn’t easy for him, but it can be done if she is willing.

Together, he and Danneel stand strong in order to block her from getting through. As much as he would want her to just grieve alone, like he wishes she could, he has a responsibility.

He puts a hand to her chest and bends down to meet her at eye level. He tries to establish a connection just to help her get over all this pain. Maybe hiding didn’t always help. Although it felt safe and nice, it didn’t take all your problems away.

“I know how hard it is, Alexis,” and he stares right into her deep blue eyes, like he can almost see right through her, and he knows she’s listening, because she stops struggling. “You can even ask my partner. I’ve been there, too. Having to face my fears,” he explains. He stops for a beat to try to tell her what’s so hard to admit out loud. He can feel Danneel’s eyes on him and feel her hand on his shoulder for encouragement to continue.

Finally he speaks on gut instinct and just lets whatever wants to pour out. “I had to deal with my husband’s death.” He begins, it as good as any place to start. “He was the best ADA lawyer for the state of New York, and his toughest case was taking down Bomer, and he had so many connections we couldn’t catch him on anything. When we did come close, as close as we possibly could to locking him up, Jensen got thrown off the case.”

When he stops at that she finally asks, “Was he raped too?”

Jared exhales and shakes his head at her, “But it was close enough to label him a victim. And I’ll tell you something, he never gave up on that case, and I never stopped helping him. Jensen wanted justice for every victim Bomer raped, and in the end I think that’s what got him killed. I had to hold his dead body in my arms, and I had to identify his body.” He grabs her hand, a soft and gentle grip, “I know how much you’d like to forget Bomer’s face, and you have no idea how much I’d like that for you, but if you stay alone in the dark and do nothing there will be other victims that go on living in fear. Still depressed and angry at the world and at their lives, because no one was able to prove what Bomer really did. If you do this, then you’re helping a lot of people find peace.”

Danneel stares down at him, and he can see her shocked face in his peripheral vision as Alexis grips his hand firmly, “Did I help bring him justice?” The question is innocent, and he can tell she’s very curious to know the answer, because whatever Jared responds with is what will help her come to a decision. “At least for you?”

“You did,” he admits. Just before he interviewed her, he didn’t think he’d get too much out of this. He didn’t think there would ever be any kind of peace, and it wasn’t until he realized that helping Alexis, helping the others, is what Jensen would have really wanted from this whole mess that he began to understand.

She lets go of his hands and turns right to the medical door, gathering a breath before finally going to push the door open and walk over the threshold. It’s the best sight he’s seen in the past two years of rape cases.

Somehow, he sees it as an end to all the heartbreak Bomer has caused everyone. The asshole finally gets his just deserts. It’s just up to them to figure out who exactly took out the trash. He never condones murder, but he just doesn’t think Bomer played an innocent victim in all this.

“Well well,” Danneel whistles, “I never thought I’d hear such profound words of wisdom come from your mouth.” Her smile lets him know she’s teasing just to change the overwhelming mood that was looming over them before. “And I think if Jensen were here he would be damn near proud of it too.”

He just laughs before moving from his squatting position on the floor. “He was my inspiration” for a moment his eyes wanted to tear up, but his heart told him to be strong, to stay strong for now.

“You know I remember that day. When Jensen got kicked off the case.”

“It’s not something one forgets.”

“I also recall all the hostility it caused the both of you,” she reminds him. “It was something he couldn’t let go, and we’ll never get the chance to know why.”

He closes his eyes, “I wish I knew why it was so important.”

“Regardless of the reason, it wasn’t your fault. His death is on Bomer and now Karma gave him the bitch slap he deserved. You don’t have to wander aimlessly with guilt anymore, Jared. You and Jensen weren’t to blame.”

“There’s nothing left if I just let go of the guilt,” he admits. “All there will be is long forgotten memories and faded pictures.”

She doesn’t say anything after that, and he didn’t really expect her to respond anyways.  
  
\--

Manhattan 33rd Precinct

Manhattan, NY

2 years ago

Jared never thought he’d see the day Jason Bateman would ever actually grace their precinct with his wonderful presence in a million years. The man was an upstanding district attorney but had only been seen by his delegated workers and hardly ever by the police officers. There may have been some rare occasions, but they always had to meet on Bateman’s terms, and in his office. Now, considering the turn of events that took place five nights ago, it was obvious this wasn’t a personal visit. It didn’t make the moment any less noteworthy, though.

However seeing him head to head with his husband was also pretty shocking to witness. He has a whole group of cops to back him up on that one as they all stay glued on Jensen shouting and bickering with his boss’ decision on the Bomer case.

Jensen slams his hands on a nearby desk with so much pent up fury surging out of him. “I’m more than capable to take on this and win! You can’t just kick me off and expect me to play-“

“The victim?” Bateman raises his eyebrow while giving the other man a pointed look. “I’m sorry but have you taken the opportunity to look at yourself in the mirror, Jensen? I think I know a victim when I see one.”

The blonde just throws his hands up in the air, not taking the bait. It would be a lot more convincing if Jensen had managed not to wince every time he moved. Although Jared knows Jensen well enough to conclude that a couple of bruises and stiches weren’t going to keep him from court. “So I’m a little banged up! I can handle it!”

“I think the blows to your head have damaged some brain cells, counselor.” The reply is sharp and loaded with full intent to blow up in Jensen’s face. “You’re forgetting the basic principle of prosecution. Any evidence you collected from the attack isn’t admissible in court unless you confess on the stand as a victim. I’m sorry but being attacked will make you biased against the defendant, and then Bomer will walk away scott free again.”

Jensen looks away, and Jared knows that the man is trying not to look defeated. Ultimately Bateman is right, but hell will freeze over before Jensen decides to admit it.

Bateman takes the blonde’s silence as an opportunity to continue speaking. “Now I know after the time and sacrifices you made for this case you’re not willing to let it end like that. So do what I ask and take the short leave of absence to rest and go over your testimony with Katie.” He points a finger in warning, “I mean it, Jensen. I don’t wanna risk my best ADA over something as petty as revenge. If you wanna get this guy, you’ll step back and cooperate.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Jensen says.

Jared follows Jensen as he huffs out a sigh and walks out of the precinct.

Jensen rolls his eyes as he sees Jared approach him from behind, and he just knows he’s going to be in for a lot of trouble. Sometimes the worst moments in his life are when he’s fighting with Jensen. “I could really feel the love back there, Jared. Thanks for backing me up.”

Jared has to take a few steps back, regain his composure, before he can form an answer that won’t come across as insensitive. “What exactly did you want me to do? Yell at the man for being right?”

“No what I wanted you to do was stand up for me!” Jensen declares, and it’s clear how deeply involved he's in this case, which is definitely not a good thing. It makes him agree even more with Bateman’s decision. “You should have told him that I was fit to take this on like I usually do. Attack and evidence be damned.”

“How would lying accomplish that?” He’s perturbed by this whole conversation. This isn’t like Jensen at all, at the moment his husband is starting to act a lot like he does when he gets too attached to cases, and they both know damn well that it never turns out the way they want it to. The blonde man is acting irrationally, disorganized, nothing like the lawyer he was trained to be.

“It’s not a lie!” The protest is weak, and it only drives Jared to make his point.

“Oh really? So the fact that you can’t touch anyone without freaking out is normal?” He gestures with a hand as if to touch his husband and watches him flinch away. “Or that you can’t sleep without breaking out in cold sweat? I mean that’s only the mental effects. I’m not even getting into the fact that you got knocked around so bad you can’t walk straight!”

Then he’s given the meanest stare he has ever received from Jensen, “Well I’m sorry that I can’t maintain composure like you after being attacked! Sorry that the last thing I wanna do is touch people after something like that!”

“I’m not blaming you,” Jared reassures, “But that just proves you’re not ready to handle this.”

All it does is cause Jensen to hang his head in shame. The words that are stuttered out make his heart sting badly, “I just want this all to be over.”

  
\--  
Sunday 9:01 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 7th, 2010

Captain Meloni glares at the phone on the corner of his desk and briefly considers leaving it to go to voice mail, not really having the time or energy to have something else added to his growing pile of investigations before huffing out a breath and snagging the receiver. No one else’s fault but his own that he decided that being a cop was the best way to make a difference in the world, “Captain Meloni, speaking.”

“We have a problem.”

The Captain’s eyes jumped from the file open in front of him to the pile of files and loose papers stacked precariously in his inbox and shook his head; when didn’t he have a problem? “Want to be a little more specific there Traci. Hate to break it to you, but up here where we deal with the breathing, problems are pretty run of the mill. Pretty sure it’s in the job description actually.”

“Well that’s just too bad, because there are more pressing issues at hand.” She snarled, catching him by surprise. It wasn’t that he believed that Traci never had a bad day, hell, he had been there for some of the more memorable ones, but for her to sound off like that, it really had to be bad.

“Traci?”

“Just…” she huffed out a breath harshly, “I need you to come down here.”

Eyes flying across his desk again, he absently chewed on the corner of his bottom lip. On one hand he was just about ready to take any excuse possible to get out of doing more paperwork and dealing with all the phony tips his detectives were getting, but he had to be there to make the call if any of them did bring him something substantial. “Are you sure you can’t just give it to me over the phone?” He mutters, his free hand coming up to rub, roughly, along his itchy eyes, “I really can’t make time to drive across town…”

“Make time.” She growls, “This can’t…I can’t…”

“Traci, I have a pile of work to catch up on, and unless this pertains to one of my active cases…” Which it probably does, but, damn it, he really doesn’t have time for this. Whatever she has found, she can fax the results to the precinct instead of expecting him to come running like some errand boy.

“Did it ever occur to you that I might not be able to talk about this over the phone?”

The fine hairs at the back of his neck stand up as a tingling runs down his spine, his senses are going into overdrive. It is true. Traci never calls him up and demands that he drive over to the Coroner’s office. She’ll call and ask if he wouldn’t mind coming over if he has the time, so that she can discuss a result with him in person, but to out and out demand, that isn’t like her. Something isn’t right, in fact something is really fucking wrong.

“Traci, should I maybe be calling SWAT?”

“What?” The word was muffled by the short burst of hysterical laughter that only made his suspicions worse.

“No! Why would I need SWAT here? Who in their right mind would walk into the Coroner’s office and try anything? Especially something that would warrant SWAT?” She sighs again, “Why do you gotta make my life difficult?”

“Why do you gotta make mine difficult?” He snaps back, the adrenaline rushing through his veins making him grouchy. “Come on, Traci, just spit it out.”

“Fine.” She snarls, “I wanted you somewhere quiet for this, but I’m done being nice. A couple of days ago Jared wanted me to run a DNA match for him.” And before the Captain can utter anything nasty at her she continues to explain, “I know that I wasn’t supposed to, but, Captain, the picture found on the victim was bugging him as much as me. I wasn’t withholding evidence or anything else illegal. It is all in my report and I did alert you about it.”

He just growls at her as loud as he can over the phone, “Before or after you told Jared?”

There’s just silence on the line, and he figures the answer is more than obvious.

“Damn it, Traci! Do you know how bad this could turn out to be if it’s not just some random coincidence? You’re not just messing with protocol anymore. You’re messing with a man who’s had to spend two years without his partner, and to bring up something like this?” Then angrily he demands, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“That’s the problem here!” She shouts back. “It’s not just anything, Christopher. I got back the results from that DNA test he wanted me to run, and it came back with two matches. A Jacob Barnes in Seattle… and one Jensen Ackles from here in New York.”

It feels like his lungs have been ripped out of his chest, and Christopher has to shut his eyes against the sudden surge of dizziness. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! How in the hell could there be DNA from Jensen? And who in the fuck was Jacob Barnes? And Jared, how in the hell is he supposed to break this to Jared?

Eyes snapping open, Christopher spotsthe other man almost immediately, just in time to watch Jared cross the bullpen and settle in at his own desk, almost completely disappearing from sight behind the privacy walls set up between the desks. The kid has finally started to move on with his life, after damn near not making it for so fucking long, and now this. Information like this is going to kill Jared.

“Captain!”

Tearing his eyes away from the top of Jared’s head peeking over the flimsy wall, Christopher blinked and takes a deep breath. “You…you’re sure?” He hisses, “I mean, there could have been some kind of mistake right? Someone in the lab mixed up samples, since it’s all evidence from the Bomer case.”

“I did the extraction and ran the tests myself.” Her voice was low, apologetic, and he wanted to hit something in response. This wasn’t happening, Jensen was dead, long dead, and shit like this wasn’t possible. But Traci was nothing if not professional, and he knew that she would have run the test more than once because of the results she had obtained. “Unless Jensen had some twin none of us knew about…”

No way in hell. Christopher has known Jensen for a long time, he is friends with Jensen’s family; he’s pretty damn sure he didn’t have a twin. “Listen, Traci, can you do a favor for me and not run this by Jared, please? I want to look into it, before we say anything.”

“I can’t do that to him, and you know that! This was a favor between friends, and he already knows there’s something definitely wrong with this whole thing. He deserves to know that there’s a chance his husband’s out there!” Her voice is raw, and if the Captain didn’t know better, he would swear she was crying.

“We don’t know how he’ll take this, and we can’t take a leap of faith if it’s all been just a misunderstanding.” He’s begging low, “Please Traci, just for a little while. Everybody knows how busy you guys are over there lately. I’m asking you as a friend to sit on this information, until I can figure out what’s what.” How is it that his eyes could be stinging, and he can feel his eyelashes clumping together with moisture, but his mouth was so dry? “All I need you to do is put the results at the bottom of the pile for now, giving me enough time to solve this.”

It isn’t really silence between them, there’s the the constant low hum of voices from his end, and the crackle of the line between them, but it isn’t enough to drown out his own thoughts screaming for attention, and he has to bite at the corner of his thumb to keep from screaming.

“Yeah,” she finally whispers, “Yeah, okay.”

He lets go of the breath he hasn’t realized he has been holding in a whoosh of noise and let his body go lax. “Thank you. Thank you Traci, I’ll take you out to dinner. Anywhere you want to go just let…”

“One week. That’s the best I can do, before he comes to me asking all sorts of questions, and you can be damn certain that I’m telling him that you requested it if you haven’t checked into it by then.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Trace.”

“Good,” but she doesn’t hang up the phone, he can still hear her uneven breaths on the line, “because there’s something else you should know. When I went digging for all this info I might have gotten flagged by some authorities.”

Christopher sighs, “What authorities?”

“Keep in mind I was doing this as a favor for a friend. I didn’t know running a DNA match on a deceased ADA was going to bring the Marshals to my door.” She reminds him.

“The Feds flagged you?” he asks impatiently.

“I may have gotten questioned by a certain Federal Marshal, you know, Paul Wesley?”

Christopher just shakes his head. Of course he knew Paul. The man used to work at NYPD, before he decided to move on to bigger and better things. He also happens to know about his certain romantic fling with Jensen. “Is that a serious question or are you trying to be cute?”

She ignores him and goes on as if he had given her the answer she wanted, “Well Wesley happens to be in charge of the witness protection unit right here in New York. He didn’t back down, until I explained Jacob Barnes’ relevance in the situation. You can say that shut him up so hard, so fast, even I was shocked.”

Suddenly everything was starting to make sense to him.

“Son of a bitch,” he exclaims and hangs up on Traci. He’ll apologize later, when he gets everything else sorted out. He can’t believe any of this is actually happening.

Letting the receiver drop back into the cradle, Christopher’s eyes wander back over to Jared’s cubicle, and he rubs both hands over his face. Jared has only just stared to smile again, not the plastic smile that looks painted on, but a smile that was maybe small but real, and Christopher held the only information that would kill it. He can only hope that it doesn’t take all of Jared with it when it disappears.

He walks out of the office to make some calls over his cell phone. It seems that he was going to be taking a couple of days off of work just as soon as he could get this case under control.

“I would like to be directed to Federal Marshal, Paul Wesley please,” he says politely to the voice on the other line. “It’s his old boss.”  
\--  
Tuesday 10:21 am  
Medical Examiner’s Office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 9th, 2010

“Whatcha got for me Trace? And please for the love of God let this be good news.” Danneel practically pleads as she walks into the examination room. The computers buzzing and hissing all around in the room mean that everyone in the lab is hard at work. There is definitely a lot of work going on here.

“Oh you bet your ass there’s good news!” The look of confidence on her face gives her hope that they might just break this case today. “Now I was finally able to finish looking over the body. The only reason it took me so long was because of how backed up we were on this.”

“No problem. It didn’t give us a lot to work with, but we at least got to find out Bomer was guilty of rape,” Danneel admits, happy that one case is put to rest leaving only one behind. “Now we just have to figure out who killed him. So last I heard, he was shot directly in the heart.”

“It was a clean shot through the aorta. I’d say he died within minutes. I told Kane his time of death would be right around 2:15.” The medical examiner has a pristine white glove as she points to the heart where Bomer was injured, showing her what she’d found in her investigation.

The details sound gruesome, and Danneel would have more sympathy if the guy hadn’t been a total scumbag, who had killed her best friend and got his buddies to do his dirty work for him.

“Which is right around the time Alexis said she passed out,” Danneel confirms. “We were left with nothing, because the killer shot him when there were no other witnesses around. There’s nothing to trace the shooter back to the crime.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Traci argues. She’s practically glowing at her with an, I know what happened, look. “I was able to extract the bullet from his chest.” She explains her findings in detail, “And then I ran a check to see what possible weapons I could narrow it down to. The only gun that can cause this kind of damage is a handgun, now considering how quick his death was, it had to be a close range shot. I’d say our killer was up close and personal when they shot Bomer. SO I was able to whittle it down to an exact make and model.” She hands Danneel a paper with a picture and the information scribbled down.

“So the killer knew him somehow.” She agrees with Traci’s theory. It makes a lot more sense than all her other cases. “Not really surprising. A lot of people wanted him dead.”

Just then Chad wanders in with some folders in his hands, “Yeah but this killer wasn’t all brains. She left traces of hair on the body.”

“She? You mean our killer is a woman?” That causes her eyes to go wide. She didn’t even consider that the killer could be a female.

“A woman with a lot of rage,” Traci clarifies. “After I figured out that the victim had to have known Bomer, Chad suggested what database to run the hair sample through for a match.”

Chad walks up to Danneel to place the manila folder in her hand. “If I was a victim that saw my rapist hurting someone else, I’d sure as hell shoot him in the heart.”

“Damn, even when you’re busy you’re good. I should fill Katie in and then go let Jared know.”

Traci raises her eyebrow at that, “Oh so you’re calling her Katie now? When did you two get so chummy?”

She rolls her eyes at her friend’s teasing. “About the time I realized her bitchiness was just an act of compassion. Thanks Trace, I owe you one.”

“Hey! I helped way more,” shouts Chad as he turns to look at her.

“I’ll get you a beer and a lap dance,” she promises, making her grand exit out the door. She’s still able to hear Chad utter some words to Tracie before she leaves.

“Aww, she knows the way to my heart.”

\--  
Tuesday 12:36 pm  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 9th, 2010

Jared’s just working at his desk, sifting through all the files on record, everything he can find on the case that might be relevant. Who would want to kill Matt Bomer? That question really had no easy answer, and he was someone who had wanted to murder Bomer for a while. He knows the answer is standing right in front of him, right there. He just can’t see it. There are no witnesses, no sufficient proof, nothing yet from the autopsy. He goes into a daze trying to piece everything he has so far.

He’s not only been left in charge, due to the Captain taking an unexpected leave, but he’s also left to deal with the media frenzy that’s being made out of this whole case. Right now he has a lot on his plate to handle and a ton of unanswered questions.

It takes two sets of hands to shake him out of his doldrums, and even then he doesn’t feel any better. He’s too lost in the fact that his misery was based on a lie.

“Earth to Padalecki!” Danneel exclaims, waving a manila folder in his face, while Katie continues to shake him.

He puts up his hand to get them to stop while trying to gather his thoughts. He’s on a case, and it’s not good to get emotional while he’s working. It’s bad to get emotional at any time, really. It just leads to a lot of problems, and how he manages with his girlfriend, he has no clue.

When Jared is ready he finally speaks to the bouncy girls calling for his attention, before they get a chance to rattle and shake him again. “Now calmly explain what you two want from me like professional adults.”

Taking the advice first, Danneel explains the urgent emergency to him. “Traci found traces of hair on the body.”

It seems interesting that there was anything left on the body, but then again he didn’t get the chance to go talk with Traci on her official findings, since he was too busy getting caught up in his past.

“And you’re never going to believe who the hairs belong to,” Katie assures him as she nods at Danneel, causing his partner to finally reveal the contents of the mysterious manila folder.

When he sees an old mug shot of an ex prostitute he’d crossed paths with when Bomer first came out of the woodwork, raping everyone with a pulse across New York. The guy had been a mastermind, because they know for a fact that there are countless victims, some women, and some men, who probably have no name or any family whatsoever, and who didn’t report their sexual assault due to fear. She’d been busted for petty crimes, and soon got herself bailed out afterwards but she had never ended up in serious trouble. Last time he had spoken to her she’d told him she had kicked her drug habit and was clean as a whistle. It’s sad that she may have something to do with this.

_Oh shit, he thinks. “That’s Jessica Alba, Bomer’s first victim.”_

Jared’s knowledge of this came from the best ADA the state of New York ever had. He’ll never forget that Jensen’s determination to solve a case-a case he was kicked off-had put them and their relationship in a sizzling frying pan. It’s hard to forget the events that led to discovering Matt Bomer’s stash of victims, or all the painful memories afterward, most importantly the fact that he’d lost the love of his life.

“Don’t worry, Padalecki, I’ve got Aldis to stay here, so he can call to fill the Captain in. You know the drill, go pick her up and read her rights to her. I want nothing less than a full confession outta her, you hear?” she demands.

“Do we have a court order?” Jared asks, even though he already knows the answer.

“Do we have a court order?” Katie laughs like it’s an old joke between friends. “All this time, and you’re asking questions like I’m some kind of rookie.”

Danneel easily produces a court order with Mariska Hargitay’s neat, loopy scrawl that he would recognize anywhere. This really does surprise him, because Danneel and Katie have always been horrible at working together. It just seems so odd that they’re acting like some kind of long time friends. It was kind of creepy.

“Head on down to Queens and pick her up,” Katie orders again. “And remember, by the book you two.”

Despite the fact that Bomer was a rapist, and that half the precinct will be happy that this guy is finally put down like he deserves, including Jared himself, murder is murder.  
\--  
Tuesday 12:54 pm  
Alba’s Residence  
Queens, NY  
November 9th, 2010

Jared knocks on the door with force, urgent taps that alerts the resident there is trouble. It’s a warning sign. He’s never really been able to handle this gently, not even Danneel could accomplish that task. Given the situation and Jessica’s predicament there really is no other way to handle this.

Danneel grows impatient as he continues to knock on the door and starts to pad from foot to foot with one hand on her gun, and the other grasping a warrant for her arrest.

“I say we give her a few more seconds,” she whispers, “and then you take the door down.”

Jared nods but is thrown off guard when they hear a gun go off inside. His eyes go wide, and Danneel moves out of his way so he can get the door down. He kicks it open with all the strength he has in his right leg, and it opens right up for them. They don’t waste any time getting into the apartment in search of Jessica.

They find her body sprawled out in the middle of her living room, with a gun lying beside her head. It’s the first thing Jared picks up on. He then grabs a handkerchief from his suit’s front pocket before he picks the gun up off the floor. It only takes him a few moments to analyze the gun and see the visible finger prints on the trigger and handle. They’ll have to check, just to make sure they’re a match to Alba’s but he doesn’t have a doubt that they belong to her. There were no signs of forced entry or any open windows from what he could see, everything is intact, meaning that it had to be ruled a suicide, unless there is something he is missing. He stares back down at the body in remorse, in this case it didn’t seem likely. “The gun matches the make and model used to shoot Bomer.”

Danneel looks down at the lifeless body before looking back at him, “This poor girl shot herself for what? I mean if she was guilty they would have made some kind of deal for her!” She’s outraged and Jared knows the redhead has problems when murders or victims commit suicide.

All he can do is answer is partner’s question in the best way he knows how. “She wanted peace.”

She looks down at Jessica with tears silently falling from her eyes, “Do you think she got it?”

Jared remains silent, because there’s no way he can answer.

\--  
Tuesday 1:43 pm  
PEMCO Insurance Company  
Seattle, Washington  
November 9th, 2010

It was late when Jacob got into the office. He’s been sluggish from all the events that occurred and overcome with worry for Alexis. He is struggling through both his own workload and hers, trying to stay afloat. He hasn’t heard from her since she left Seattle, and though he’s left messages on her machine since she was missing from work yesterday, she still hasn’t gotten back to him.

Jacob couldn’t lie; it hurt that she hasn’t trusted him enough to call him. It hasn’t made the gnawing concern in his gut ease up any, either. And the fact that Julie from the coffee shop got a call before Jacob, the best friend, yeah, that one stung.

Then again, he’s not sure he would be the most dependable friend to rely on in that type of situation anyway. That part of his life is over, and therapy and this job have more than proved it. Ok, maybe he is a liar, but sometimes people lie to protect others. It’s not what he was raised to believe, but it’s what he’s learned over the years.

“Jensen?” A voice from the side of his cubicle questions, and all he can do is freeze at the name the voice chose to use. He doesn’t go by that name anymore.

“You’ve got the wrong person,” he states calmly. He doesn’t want to appear suspicious.

That’s when Captain Meloni saunters into his cubicle with the most obnoxious face ever. “Well, I’ll be damned, if it isn’t District Attorney Jensen Ackles. You look pretty good for a dead man.”

Jensen looks over his cubicle to make sure no one else is listening to this particular discussion, and luckily all the workers seem to be too immersed in their computers or phones to pay attention to them. “What are you doing here?” Jensen asks with extreme worry on his face. The worst thoughts pop into his head, maybe something has happened to Alexis, or, God, even Jared. The possibilities float through his mind while he waits for Captain Meloni to speak.

Meloni’s face grows serious. A mannerism that Jensen had noticed the older man would do when he talks to criminals or stubborn detectives. “I was going to ask you the same question.” The Captain leans on his desk with two arms supporting his weight. “You trained at the best law school in the country, what the hell are you doing here, stuck in a cubicle, selling insurance?”

“I’m employee of the month, nine times consecutively. I’m very persuasive.” Jensen knows his humor is dry and not something he would usually respond with, but he just can’t give truthful answers, until he knows the meaning of this whole invasion.

“You’re still the same snarky son of a bitch,” the older man notes as if he’s calculating all the changes for some kind of report or something.

This particular conversation makes Jensen feel out of place, because the man in front of him isn’t talking to Jacob Barnes; he doesn’t even know that man. Everything he’s felt so secure with, Alexis, this job, his house, is starting to crumble before him. He doesn’t know how to react to this meeting, but he knows there’s nothing good that’ll come out of it. One moment he’s a regular guy that’s dealing with his best friend being raped, and the next he’s back to dealing with the mess he wanted to be pulled out of to begin with. Just when he thought things were all right, his past had to come back and bite him in the ass. Jensen tenses up a bit as he stares back up at the older man, while trying to remain in the calmest possible state. His jaw starts to clench when he tenses up, and there’s no way he can get his body to relax. “What are you doing on my stoop, Chris? Does anyone else know you’re here?”  
He’s surprised when the words come out as smooth as air.

The question just makes the Captain raise his eyebrows and cross his arms. They both know how personal this is, and who was directly involved. “You mean did I tell Jared?” Jensen just glares at him, and it amuses Captain Meloni. “No, but I was real tempted, let me tell you.”

That causes him to stand up from his position at his desk and get into Captain Meloni’s personal space with the most dangerous look on his face. The fact that he doesn’t even understand the situation is more than a little irritating.

“I’m doing this for him, to protect him! After what happened with Bomer, I didn’t have a choice.” He exclaims with conviction in his voice. “It was either this or having him come after everything I care about, including Jared. I wasn’t about to let that happen.”

All Meloni can do is stare at him in for a couple of moments, and maybe he thinks Jensen didn’t think this all the way through. And maybe he had been selfish in his actions, but ultimately he wasn’t thinking of what would be best for Jared. Jensen believes that his intentions were pure, but were probably half baked considering what he’d had to deal with at the time.

“I’m sure that’ll help him sleep at night, once he finds out you lied to him,” Meloni retorts, mock sincerity dripping from his voice, “and that you destroyed his life. You have no idea how broken up he was after you . . . well, you know. I had to order him mandatory therapy sessions with Lauren.”

It hurts finding out from somebody else how his husband - or whatever he was now - had taken the whole situation. He remembers Jared clinging and crying over his supposedly lifeless body. He knows none of this has been easy, and it seems that the Captain even thinks that he’s just as clueless as the criminals he used to convict. “You think this is a vacation for me? I hate my life. Being without him, it’s like I lost a limb! Do you know how that feels?”

“Bomer’s dead, Jensen.”

“He- what?” For the first time since this conversation started, he’s dumbfounded.

“He’s dead,” he repeats once more. “His body was found at the scene of a sexual assault in Central Park. Your deal with Wit Pro is as dead as you should be, and sooner or later, you’re going to have to tell Jared.”

And there it was. The worst possible news he could have ever been given. It just begs the question, how the hell do you tell someone you loved, that you did the worst possible thing to save their lives? Worse than that, how do you get that person to understand? To forgive you?

“No,” Jensen denies quickly, turning his body away from the man to avoid eye contact or anything else that might make him guilty. “He’s getting over it, he’s moving on with his life.”

Denial always seemed like the better route for him these days, because sometimes the truth was the most terrifying reality he could ever be confronted with.

The Captain just scrunches his eyes at Jensen with something akin to disbelief in his wide irises. “He’ll never get over it, Jensen. You didn’t really believe that he would, did you?” Meloni asks, wildly curious, and when Jensen says nothing in response, Meloni just continues. “And he won’t have to, because I want you back in New York.”

“Excuse me?” His face flushes red due to a sudden state of shock. The man who used to work for him, at Jensen’s discretion, wants him back at his old job. To boss the unit around, just like old times.

“Come back home,” Meloni demands, none too kindly. “Take your old job back, I have sway there, and the new DA is a grade A douchebag, and incompetent to boot. They’ll be begging to get you back in that power suit and in the courtroom.”

The man seems so confident about that, and even though Jensen wants to argue that Katie is the best replacement for him, he somehow found himself agreeing with the Captain. Eventually things would come up, and if Jared doesn’t find out from him, he’ll find out from someone else or on his own. And that’ll be even more disastrous.

All he can say is, “When do you wanna fly back?”

Captain just answers with a smug smile, “If we leave tonight, we can get there early in the morning, which will give you more than enough time to talk to your husband.”

All Jensen wants to do is punch the man in the face, but then the other man’s face grows suddenly pensive, and he looks up at Jensen.

“You know, I do have one question for you,” he says wagging his finger at Jensen, while his eyebrows narrow in confusion, “how the hell did you pull it off? The whole faked death deal? We saw your body, and it was even in the casket.”

Now that was a complicated question to answer, but it was a natural one to ask in this situation, and if places were reversed it’d be what he’d have asked. It’s just not easy to explain with words, and it was a lot harder to comprehend.

He stares directly at the floor, hoping it might swallow him up and save him from Meloni’s line of questioning, but that doesn’t happen. He sits there contemplating ways of how to start the gruesome tale of how Jensen Ackles became Jacob Barnes, and why it all went down the way it did. It was clear that he couldn’t really answer it point blank. In order to understand the depth of this whole mess he had to explain from the very beginning.

Both of his hands twitch nervously, and he puts them in his lap to still them. Finally he finds the courage to explain in the most detailed way he possibly can.

“About five days after the whole spectacle with Matt at the trial,” Jensen averts his eyes away from the other man’s gaze, because they both know they don’t mean the big scene Matt caused at the arraignment hearing, but the fact that he had cornered Jensen later that night.

He hates talking about the attack and likes to refer to the events that had led up to it, not the almost assault itself, because speaking about it openly wasn’t easy and probably never will be for him, whether the man was dead or not. “When I got kicked off the trial after that,” he waves his hands at the Captain, putting no name to the horrible crap Bomer pulled in order to put a stop to Jensen’s crusade. “I got a call from Paul in the middle of the night. He was in my neck of the woods, and it wasn’t exactly a social visit but because of business.”

Finally he decides to look up at the Captain, eyes wide and filled with pain, “That’s how this whole plan came into motion.” The urge to sob is so strong right now that he has to beat it off with a stick, because when it comes down to that night, to the solution he and Paul finally agreed upon, it had been difficult to even think about. Saying it out loud to another person just made it that much worse. “I suggested that his feds should help me fake my death, for the sake of…”  
 __  
Two Years Earlier  
The Padalecki and Ackles Residence  
2008

_  
“Jared?” Jensen asks, his voice sore and out of breath from the scare his obnoxiously loud telephone gave him. After several hours of just lying in bed counting sheep and staring up at the ceiling he had finally dozed off. The thoughts of the trial and his attack had played over and over in his mind, until all of a sudden he was awoken, and the remnants of sleep drift away quicker than they came._

When he sits up, waiting for an answer on the other end of the line, his back begins to stiffen in pain while sparks of heat ignite in the stitches that are closing up the big gashes in his left eyebrow and cheek. His pale flesh is still angry and red, while splashes of purple mar the places where he took hits, and the pain in his face has somehow traveled its way down to his spine, and everything below that, leaving him feeling immense discomfort.

“Guess again,” the voice on the other line says, and, God, he would know that soft spoken drawl anywhere. Jensen really doesn’t know anyone else with a voice so calm at any time of the day or night, and the tone sends shivers down his painfully aching bones.

“Paul? Why the hell are you calling me at,” he strains his body at the angle of the bedside table to check the flashing red letters of his alarm clock, “at three in the morning?”

“Well if you’d come to answer your door, you might find out,” Paul says nonchalantly, as if it is something to throw out at this time of night, like it’s normal for him of all people to visit Jensen’s house with no proper invitation. The man was either suicidal or had no scruples, which was funny, because Federal agents always claim to have them.

That made Jensen so wary that he didn’t even have the words to respond. “Are you saying you’re at my door at three in the fucking morning, Wesley?”

“No, I’m saying I’m at your door holding your cup of coffee, some pastries, and some info you might like.” The man retorts, trying hard for humor to please him. “I’m insane, but I’m definitely not suicidal.”

It takes a couple of grunts and a whole lot of effort to get his legs to support his upper body long enough to get off the damn bed and to the door.

When he finally hobbles his way to the door, taking small careful steps, and opens it he doesn’t really know what to think when he’s face to face with Paul Wesley.

There’s a moment when he looks right in to the man’s eyes and knows instantly that all his injuries are what have Paul’s attention, and after a while it gets tiring to see people give him looks of sympathy along with questions that seem to go on forever. As a lawyer, the power to ask a defendant an infinite number of questions until they break down and confess makes him confident. Now when he is a victim, being treated like he was some fragile object that needs care does nothing but make him seem weak, weaker than the injuries he had sustained.

When Paul said nothing, didn’t ask anything at all, Jensen moved to the side to allow him into his house, the smell of strong coffee and donuts fill the air as he walks toward the nearest table to set down everything in his hands.

It’s not until everything is set down on the table that Paul decides to speak, his voice is low and pained.

“I heard about the Bomer case,”he says, voice sympathetic. “It’s a shame how it went down.” The tentative approach was a tactic he doesn’t really expect from Paul.

As silence fills the room, Jensen takes in the other man’s appearance from his styled, sandy hair to his neatly shined shoes that seem to sparkle in the low light of the house. From this angle he can see a man that is so different than the one he is married to. It’s still puzzling how two men that at one point had the same profession were so different from each other. Looking at Paul right now does nothing but bring a flood of memories to him, and suddenly he is feeling nervous. His skin is starting to sweat just above his forehead, and he can feel each bead of moisture slowly forming.

There is a small voice in his head telling him that letting Paul Wesley of all people into his home is a mistake for all the obvious reasons. This man isn’t someone that used to just work alongside his husband at NYPD, no, it’s much more complicated than that. This guy is his ex-boyfriend, which means this is all a bad idea. Although he seems to be making bad judgment calls all over the place, and this is just one more person he seems to be willing to make another for.

Jensen scratches at his forehead, “Well I’m sure that’s what everyone in New York is raving about, but I’m not really sure why that brings you to my humble abode this late at night.”

All he gets in response is a flash of Paul’s light brown eyes now fully focused on him. There’s a wide range of emotions flowing through the glowing irises, and it’s hard to pinpoint the main one he should be worried about.

“That was always your problem you know?” Paul scoffs, and there’s no way of knowing if there’s a hint of bitterness or sarcasm in those words. “You were always so good at hiding what’s really important.”

And Jensen can actually feel a pain in his gut when he takes a deep intake of air, because the words come out as a strike that he knows he doesn’t deserve right now. Least of all right now, when everything is falling apart around him.

In just a few seconds, Jensen shoves Paul in one swift motio,n and the twinge he gets from exerting too much force is worth it, when his ex falls off balance and ends up rattling the table enough to splash the coffee cups.

“Listen up, Wesley,” he jabs his finger into the agent’s chest, grabbing his undivided attention, “because I’m only going to explain this once. I’ve been through hell these past few months, working on a case that just literally slipped from my fingers. The last thing I need is my ex-boyfriend coming at me with a list of all my flaws. I am more than well aware of them.” This whole case with Matt brings up a lot of deep seated issues he has about himself. All the things he hates about himself have come out in a matter of months, taking a toll on his job and possibly putting a strain on his marriage. The flaws have just gathered around to slowly devour him whole, and he doesn’t need Paul to remind him of the main one that was killing him.

Then Paul gazes up to take a breath before nodding back at Jensen, the expression on his face full of regret for an instant, and all Jensen can do in return is sigh, cupping his face in his palm, lightly massaging his forehead.

“Can you please tell me what the hell this is about?” He asks, before any more hurtful words are thrown out again. “And please refrain from the cheap shots, unless you want a beating.”

Paul straightens up and reaches into his coat pocket to retrieve a small card, and he can’t really tell what kind until it’s presented to him, right in his line of vision.

Jensen laughs outright when he snatches the item from Paul and sees that the card is a new driver’s license, under a name and state that don’t belong to him. It feels like someone has sucked all the air out of the room, and his lungs are exploding with fire from the simple action of breathing. He drops the ID in the process of catching his breath. Out of concern Paul gives him a couple of pats on the back before guiding him to the table so he has something to hold onto.

“This isn’t a joke, Jensen,” Paul exclaims, and probably it’s the worst time to treat a serious matter like a laugh riot, but that’s the only way Jensen’s brain lets him respond. After he’s caught his breath is when he notices Paul’s hand is touching his shoulder for comfort, but the gesture ends up stinging him. “Your life is at risk right now, and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling,” Paul admits, “but what you’re doing,” he waves Jensen, somehow trying to use Jensen’s behavior as a strong example, “sitting around waiting for your death, sure as hell won’t help you!” There’s a pause as if he’s trying to find the right thing to say next and takes a moment to get the words that are stuck in his throat out. “And it won’t stop Bomer from coming after you, especially when he’s got you trapped at the lowest level a rapist can take you.”

The green of Jensen’s eyes meet the soft brown ones directly, and he feels a flood of emotion hit him so quickly that he has to catch his breath again, because Paul’s right about all of it, everything down to the very last detail. He’s pretty sure Federal Marshals get filled in on all their special cases, but he has a feeling that his ex may have taken this one for personal reasons. Because the agent seems so certain and well aware that he is probably the only one able to devise a ruse clever enough for Jensen to understand and willingly agree to.

Then he remembers Jared. If he does this, goes into hiding, what’s going to happen with his husband and everything they’ve built in New York. The memories they’ve collected with each other over the years of their relationship, along with the hardships and pain they’ve gone through. Would Jared really be willing to let everything go to keep them both safe, to keep them together? He suddenly flashes back to the death glares Bomer gave to Jared, to the threats the rapist whispered in his ear when he had Jensen cornered. The man was fully capable of hurting Jared without a single thought of remorse in his head. Matt Bomer just has no conscience, a typical sociopath.

“What happens to Jared?” And Jensen is more afraid of the answer than anything else, because he couldn’t care less what happens to himself, but his husband is what really matters in all this, everything else is meaningless.

Paul’s hands fall to the side and he shrugs, “That all really depends on you.” He walks around the table to pick up a folder Jensen doesn’t remember seeing him come in with and putting it in his hands. “There’s a set of credentials made up for you, and for him; you can’t be married of course, because then you’d be easy to spot, but we made it easy for you to be able to see each other.”

Jensen’s face just falls at the paperwork he sifts throug,h because everything has been erased. All of his life, and his memorieswill be nothing but dust that disappears into thin air.There’s no trace of Jared Padalecki or Jensen Ackles in any of these papers, and maybe that’s the point, but it’s disappointing and sad. There’s nothing left of them.

And he thinks about Jared Padalecki, and how important he is to New York, to his precinct, and most of all how valuable Jared is to him. When it comes down to it, the state of New York can do without him, because he can be replaced, but there’s only one Detective Padalecki dedicated to the job he was born to do like his long line of family before him.

The only reason this has all happened is because Matt wanted Jensen to add to his stash of rape victims and wasn’t going to let one failed attempt stop him. Eventually he was going to persist, until he got what he wanted and would kill anything in his path that got in his way. Jared means too much to him, and he cares too much to just let him become another victim. If they run away it would only be a matter of time until the sociopath found them, and there was no way he could live knowing he was the reason for Jared’s death.

Jensen blinks several times in order to stop the tears that are building up with the ache in the corner of his eyes. The bitter taste he feels in the back of his throat dissolves when he glances up at Paul with sorrow filled eyes.

“Matt Bomer’s a grade A sociopath,” he explains in a hushed tone, “and he’s never going to stop coming after me, and it’s not like me disappearing will put a stop to him. He won’t give up until I’m dead.”

Paul puts a hand up to stop him from talking and has an eyebrow raised in question, “Wait. What you are trying to say? That you want to do this alone?”

Jensen just repeats himself this time, with a little more conflict in his voice. “He’s not going to stop, until either everyone I love is dead, or I am. I choose the latter, Paul, because I just can’t let others get hurt, just because I’m his new obsession.”

“Ok so let’s say we do just kill you,” Paul placates, “And then what? What will that accomplish if he decides to find a new target to obsess over?”

“How is hiding me and my husband going to solve anything?” Jensen throws back angrily.

“It’s keeping you both alive!” Paul yells back. “Keeping you together, maybe not as a married couple, but it’s a lot better than this insane plan you have in mind!”

Then Jensen decides to go about explaining this in a way Paul can understand and pushes up into Paul’s personal space again.

“In some cases if a sociopath is incapable of getting to his target, because there is no possible way to do it, the sociopath starts to lose hold of their compulsion, and, yes, if they can find another they will, but if he’s out of practice by then he might slip up.” And Paul just narrows his eyes at him, but it doesn’t jolt Jensen at all from what he’s suggesting. “It’s a shot in the dark, and believe me I’m not one to put others in danger, but he’s going to be watched most of the time,” he adds, “And this might buy enough time for us to catch him.”

The moment his ex uses his palm to cover his eyes and massage his temples is when Jensen knows he’s won the battle. Eventually Paul was going to have to give in to his idea, mainly because Jensen was the most stubborn son of a bitch there was, and there was no way around himPaul was bound to give in to his law book cleverness.

Paul puts his hand down and stares Jensen down, “If, and only if I agree to this, you have to be willing to handle the damage this might cause if he finds a new victim and find a way to fix it,” the agent bargains.

“I promise,” Jensen agrees. He finds this planas heartbreaking as it is difficult. Jensen is going to go into hiding and erase his current life in order to make a new one and leave Jared behind as a result. God, it isn’t easy to do this, no matter how easily he is agreeing to the risks he has to take. There is no way this is easy, because his husband means everything to him, and nothing could change the love he has for Jared, but if Jensen wanted to keep him alive even if they couldn’t be together, then this is a decision he is willing to live with. Hell, no, it isn’t easy to let go, but if it means Jared living and being happy, there is no contest.

“You’re right,” he says sullenly, “we can’t just make you disappear, because they’ll all know you’re still alive.”

Jensen just gives him a sad smile, “I always wanted to go out with a bang. All we have to do is make it believable, and have an audience.”

“You’re going to need to be there for your funeral too.”

Jensen gazes up at the ceiling tile, “I asked for a closed casket in my will, and I know Jared’ll respect my wishes. All we need to do is find a way to put another body in there.”

“I’m sure we can figure something out, but first things first,” Paul bends down to pick up the ID card Jensen dropped earlier and takes back the folder in Jensen’s hands, “we need to plan this correctly. Where’s Jared right now?”

“Still working, everyone in SVU and at the precinct is pulling a round the clock shift. Why?”

Paul just gives a small smile, “Because this is going to take a lot of time, and unfortunately we’re both sticklers for details.”

It only makes Jensen ache even more inside, because this plan is going to do a lot more damage to Jared in the end, but at least he’d be safe, and that’s what really matters.

\--

 

The Captain whistles when he’s done describing that night to him, “That’s a hell of a cover up.”

All Jensen can do is shrug, because nothing else comes to mind as a good response after spilling something as personal as this.

“You might want to edit some of those details when you talk to Jared.” And Jensen swears that the thought of having to tell him about Paul being involved hasn’t really crossed his mind until the older man mentions it.

“If I thought dying the first time around was bad,” Jensen starts, “this might be ten times more painful.”

\--  
Wednesday 9:41 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 9th, 2010

The station house is still familiar, Jensen discovers, much to his relief. The place is alive with the hustle and bustle of officers and admin staff, visitors and witnesses roaming the corridors, such a crazy mix of people converging on one spot and giving Jensen a feeling of anonymity, allowing him to get lost in the melee.

He’s dusted off his power suit, though it is a little loose in the shoulders, and the pants are cinched in at the waist by a leather belt, but losing a little weight is the least of Jensen’s problems. It is harder than he’d thought to fall back into his old persona again; the strong, confident lawyer he’d been has been slowly chipped away by Bomer, by leaving behind everything he’d ever known, and two years hiding behind a desk, letting all his real skills go to waste.

He fiddles nervously with his silk tie as he jogs up the front steps and slows by the front desk. Clearing his throat, he waits for the desk sergeant to look up from his paperwork.

“Alright, alright, hold your horses,” the man says gruffly. He is uniformed, and his face is set in a deep scowl as he scrawls out a signature on the bottom of an intake form. “What can I do for you?” he says finally as his head comes up, only for his face to freeze in an open-mouthed expression of shock.

Jensen tries to keep the easy smile on his own face but he is pretty sure that it becomes a little strained after such an intense scrutiny. “ADA Ackles. I need a visitor’s pass,” he says, hoping to break the stalemate and get away from the uncomfortable prickling sensation breaking out all along his spine.

The man startles, straightening up, and his face regained the wary, jaded expression of a true NYC beat cop; he looks at Jensen with judgment in his eyes, and Jensen knows right then, that in their world, it is eat or be eaten. Nobody is going to be on his side. Jensen squares his shoulders and stands up straighter, returning the challenge, even though his skin still crawls with unease.

Jared isn’t the only person he has deceived, after all.

“Right,” the officer says, drawing the word out as he fumbles beneath the desk and slaps a plastic pass on the desk, then retrieves a sharpie marker from beside his elbow. He uncaps the pen and looks down at the pass, shaking his head before he begins to write. “If only all our stiffs looked as good as you,” he says.

Jensen just ignores the remark and takes the pass before the officer can say anything else that doesn’t pertain to the precinct rules. He quickly goes on his way and thinks about the task at hand, confronting someone he hasn’t seen in the little more than two years since he was declared dead in the State of New York. Although it has only been a couple of years it feels like a lifetime has gone by, while he’s gone on living by himself in Seattle, with no real friends but Alexis to count on.

There was a point where he couldn’t talk to anyone at all unless he absolutely had to do so, and even then it wasn’t more than a sentence or two. Jensen had basically quarantined himself from any human interaction whatsoever, and the emptiness in him had grown as days went by. Then there is no denying how lonely it was without Jared by his side to share everything with. He’d become well aware of all the happiness he’s given up for the love of his life, and now that he sees how different New York has become, less crime filled, he knows that it was worth knowing Jared got to live another day so he could help those who couldn’t defend themselves.

Old feelings, all sorts of memories start rushing in on him when he steps foot into the main part of the precinct, where the SVU Detectives like to hold their examinations of collected evidence and brainstorm on how to make their next move. It’s like the past decided to creep up on him and has sent him reeling back to when he was just twenty-six years old, with an actual career he could be proud of.

When he finally sees Jared at his desk, talking with Danneel who is sitting on his desk, oblivious to everything other than his fellow workers, Jensen has to gasp for a steady breath. His pulse speeds up, and his stomach starts to flutter right along with his racing heartbeat. There were so many words that he planned to say, and now they’ve all gone poof, along with his brain.

The idea of this confrontation was silly, because from the looks of it, the detective seems fine. Jared is lounging on his chair, caught up in something serious, more than likely a case, and most importantly, unaware of Jensen’s existence. If this is what the Captain meant by falling apart, then he could definitely walk away and live with this. He could leave, knowing that the other man was focused on work, and his life, and not in some spiral of depression.

He gathers his courage before he leaves, taking one more meaningful glance to soak up everything, before he has to walk out of Jared’s life, again. Jensen’s made a good enough name for himself in Seattle, a life that he can keep in exchange for Jared’s stability.

Jared looks up for a moment, a split second, when he gets the feeling he’s being watched, and his rigorous amounts of police training trigger his senses. When he turns abruptly as Misha and Danneel are talking to him, he feels his body freeze in place. His muscles tense up one by one, while his mind is frozen in a state of shock beyond his control. Jared’s face is as pale as a corpse, because at this very moment he’s looking right at one.

From the long distance between them, he can see the visitor’s badge on the newcomer’s chest, and he can clearly read the name , ADA Jensen Ackles. His breath hitches off beat from the rush of emotions flowing through him, throwing him for a fucking hailstorm of a loop. All he can do is stand in shock, with a delayed reaction bout how to respond to this. Does he act angry, hurt or happy that Jensen is actually alive and well? A mixture of all three?

By the time he steps forward, making eye contact with the man across the room with jaded eyes, he notices that everyone else in the department has also taken notice of this sudden reunion, because the whole entire precinct is silent. And at this point in time, the silence is maddening to Jared.

That’s when he hears a voice that doesn’t belong to him or Jensen, but to Captain Meloni, who not too long ago disappeared, right before they wrapped up the Bomer case. He has been awaiting the results from Traci, and now he’s pretty sure he know why she hasn’t even given him any updates regarding his favor. The picture of Jacob Barnes was in the back of his mind, and now all his fears were confirmed. It was all sounding like some kind of conspiracy to him, and all he really wants to know is what is going on?

“You two, in my office.” The Captain directs, before anyone else can react to the man who they thought was dead standing right in their precinct like some sort of freak spectacle. “You can reduce this to a private reunion, while everyone else,” he emphasizes everyone by cocking his head at his department who are all giving him blank stares, “Gets back to their respective duties.”

The door is held open by him waiting for them to enter. The simple gesture just makes Jared’s blood boil, and he lands on one of the billion emotions that were flooding him a little while ago. Betrayal. He doesn’t care what it takes, he’s going to make sure everyone involved gets what’s coming to them for going along with this-cover up? A conspiracy? He’s not sure what the hell this is, but when he gets to the bottom of it he’s going to make sure everyone pays.

Jared moves to the door first, forcing his body to relax in order to handle talking to Jensen again after the longest two years in his life.  
He can tell by the slow, gradual steps Jensen takes to make it all the way to the door that he’s reluctant for this confrontation. It’s not surprising for someone who faked his death. Who would be ready to face all the damage they’ve caused?

When they’re both inside the room, the door immediately clicks shut close behind them. More than likely it’s either to ensure privacy or make sure there is no opportunity for either one of them to run away from the conversation that is long overdue.

As they stand there the silence festers between them, with a boatload of unresolved issues that have just piled up while they’ve been away from each other. It drives Jared to the brink of insanity, so much so that he finally decides to speak.

“What the hell is going on?” He doesn’t even try to disguise his anger, because there would be no point. Everything he’s feeling shows clearly on his face, because, unlike his former lover, Jared has nothing to hide.

Jensen’s eyes fall to the floor in an instant, and there’s a moment Jared thinks the lawyer won’t speak.

Then Jensen lifts up his head so slowly, dragging his eyes up to meet Jared’s, “It’s complicated.”

Jared can’t even control the anger that pours through his veins, making him clench his fists so tight that his knuckles go white.

“Let’s start off with something simple,” Jared suggests, “where were you this whole time?”

The look to the ground, the one that shows so much shame and embarrassment, is the one he’s given before Jensen answers the question.

“Seattle.” Jensen then adds, “I’m a worker at a very conservative insurance company. To them I’m known as Jacob Barnes, the silent overachiever that reads too much.”

Jared bites his lip so hard he can taste blood, because right now he’s seething from all this. Of course while Jared was off on very excruciating sessions with Lauren, barely eating or functioning-just trying to survive and hang on to whatever was left-his deceased husband has been living an entirely different life. He basically just walked out of one life and took on another, like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. He was apparently not even worried about the damage left behind in his path.

Trying to find some semblance of control Jared, just crosses his arms and continues the interrogation. “So what does Jacob Barnes do? Date some other lovely man who works at a bookstore? Drinks coffee at a local bistro and takes care of his best friend Alexis whenever it’s convenient?”

Jensen looks up the moment the words leave Jared’s mouth, and the taller man is pleased that it seems to have caused some sort of reaction.

“I never talked to any one except Alexis,” Jensen’s voice is low and dangerous. it’s the same tone reserved for low down thugs that think they’ve gotten away with their crime. “I was a workaholic, and spent most of my time living with all my harbored guilt.” Then there’s a pause, and it’s much needed because all this bullshit is a lot to take in at once.

“But I don’t regret it, Jared. I did what I had to, because it meant that Matt would be stopped,” Jensen exclaims, but somehow Jared still doesn’t see the good in what was done.

“So you faked your death to stop a rapist?” Jared steps back as far as he can get. He wants to keep a distance, so he’s not tempted to hit the other man in the face.

“When rapists can’t get at their prey some of them react to that. They find any way they can to get to them, and sometimes if the prey is unattainable, they stop.”

“And what if that didn’t happen, huh?” Jared yells, not even believing the man’s logic. “What if he just found another victim to replace you? Like he did with Alexis?”

It seems to Jared that Jensen had taken a huge risk doing what he had. That’s pretty far out of character, because Jensen always followed a set of rules, but he had noticed that this particular case had made him determined to throw the rule book out. Matt Bomer set off something in his former lover that had been bad enough to cause a chain reaction.

Jared sees it even now, when Jensen turns his face away from him. There are a few stray tears falling from the blonde’s eye that probably weren’t meant to be seen. This whole case with Bomer had made Jensen a mess, both mentally and physically. This was the case that had finally broken a perfectly indestructible relationship between a lawyer and a cop.

“He almost raped me,” Jensen’s voice comes out cracked and just bares everything he’d refused to deal with back then, even right up to when he died in Jared’s arms. “And I came out alive despite the massive bruising.” He turns promptly to face Jared again to punctuate his point. “You can call it a blessing, call it a fucking miracle. Call it whatever the hell you want, but I made it out alive.” He shakes his head before continuing, “I got caught in the crossfire, Jared. Every one of his guys was out looking for me, because I was close to putting him away. Even worse, I was the one he couldn’t rape! If I came forward and testified against him, it would’ve gotten thrown out either way, because there wasn’t sufficient evidence. Had I stayed, I would have been the one dealing with the fallout of your death.”

Jared steps forward, “We had solid evidence that it was him. You ID’d his voice, and the attempted rape on you was his MO!”

Jared’s reasoning falls flat when the other man rebuts. “All of that was purely circumstantial and not enough to have a jury convict him.”

“I’ve seen you get a jury to convict with less evidence than that,” he argues, resorting to petulance.

Jensen just snorts at that. “Nothing short of a confession was going to get that man put in jail.” And there it was. The cold hard truth he would have been happy to live without rather than Jensen. It was undeniable, present for him to see.

Jensen takes a sharp intake of breath before coming in close enough to touch a hand to Jared’s chest, the manner so familiar and gentle. Jared’s forced to close his eyes in order to concentrate on the good and not the bad memories that start flashing before him. He takes solace in the fact that Jensen is here with him once again, still whole and alive.

  
Then Jensen has to ruin the moment by speaking.

“There was no way he was going to stop coming after me, and being in witness protection was the best possible solution. I had no other choice.”

Then Jared shoves him so hard the blond lawyer smacks the nearest wall with a sickening thud. “Don’t give me that bullshit speech, Jensen,” his tone was low and fierce. “This wasn’t pure intentions at all. No this was a selfish ploy to be on top again!”

Jensen just fixes on Jared with a penetrating glare. “I was trying to keep one more rapist off the streets of New York!”

Jared has had just about enough, and throws his hands in the air in an exasperated gesture, “At whose expense?”

He gets up in Jensen’s space again and decides to prod at the man’s weak attempt of an excuse. “You may have stopped a rapist temporarily, but you left behind a grieving widower while you made yourself a happy, danger-free life in Seattle. You turned your back on me, your district, and this whole precinct, Jensen!” He yells so loudly he can hear items in the room rattle. He takes a breath to clear his head. Then with a calmer tone, “And for what? To let him know you won? Only to have this whole thing backfire on you, because he didn’t stop! He had a picture of you and Alexis in his pocket. He had proof of some sort you were still out there, and it was just child’s play the moment Alexis found herself in his domain.”

All Jensen does is look up with so much sadness. “You’re right about one thing. Going into hiding was out of selfishness. I saw the opportunity to save you from Bomer. To put a stop to all the pain he was causing us.”

Jared sees that everything he’s saying is genuine to a fault. He hates admitting it, but he can see why Jensen did it.

“And I don’t regret it,” Jensen adds, abruptly, “not for one second, and if I went back in time I would make the same decision again. But don’t you dare think that I was having the time of my life, because being without you went against my entire being! It was a sacrifice. A necessary one that I made.”

Here Jared is, grieving the death of a man that hadn’t actually died in a drive by. It still hurt, because when he looks at this man, all he can think is-I used to share a life with you. All this resentment and guilt he harbors inside has never been real, even his pain was fake.

There were thousands upon thousands of emotions flowing through him-making a particular vein in his neck pulse.

Jared heaves a long sigh and puts up no further argument. “Well I hope it’s something you’re prepared to live with, because sacrifices cost a person everything. Even the ones they love.” The threat is imminent and as ominous as ever, but it doesn’t break Jensen.

The expression he gives Jared is one of hurt and understanding. No trace of resentment or remorse.

“Trust me,” he assures him, “I came to terms with the consequences a long time ago. My sacrifice isn’t a burden, because the man I love the most stayed safe.”

The words hit hard, and Jared can’t bring himself to say anything, when Jensen steps aside from their heated argument to head to the door.

There’s nothing left to say.

  
\--  
Wednesday 10:40 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 9th, 2010

When the Captain finally makes his way back into his office, curious to see if there has been bloodshed or anything to clean up, he is greeted by an angry detective.

In just a matter of seconds the taller man has Meloni by the shirt and throws him face first into the wall’s rough surface. Jared has his hands held tight and secure behind his back with as much pressure as he can possibly exert.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why he’s in his current position. He doesn’t try to counter the attack or find a way to break out of the strong hold his best detective has on him. There’s no point, because, in Jared’s eyes, he was involved with something that he should have brought to Jared’s attention the moment it was discovered. The failure to do so has labeled him as a traitor.

“You had no right keeping this from me!” Jared grunts out, voice strained.

Instead of calling for help or finding a way out, Meloni settles on laughing. Even though all this is pretty heavy, it is also downright hilarious. “I’m going to do you a favor, detective. I’m going to forget this silly stunt you just pulled and not fill out a formal report on your violation of protocol and authority.”

Jared’s grip tenses from his hands, eases up a bit. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You were out of line even asking Traci to run Jacob Barnes’ DNA against Jensen’s to begin with.” He informs Jared, “If the circumstances were different, you’d be looking at two months suspension without pay. I went out of my way, as a friend, to check what this was all about!”

Jared’s voice softens, “That’s why you left mid case.”

“I had no intentions of keeping this from you, Jared.” Meloni does his best to sound sincere and let the other man know that his heart had been in the right place. “I went to Seattle to get him back.”

At that, Jared releases him from the strong hold.

When he finally turns around, he’s faced with Jared, the strong, tall cop, leaning over his mahogany desk, sobbing softly. It’s the worst sight he’s ever had to witness.

  
\--  
Wednesday 11:50 am  
Flynn’s Bar  
Manhattan, NY  
November 9th, 2010

Jared is cradling a coffee that he wishes was a little more Irish cream when Danneel finally finds him.

He fled from the station the moment he’d pulled himself together enough to co-ordinate his way down the street and onto a barstool at Flynn’s, the old cop hang-out, a block from the station house. The place is quiet during the day, the few tables and booths occupied mostly by retirees. Those who are lucky enough to be off-duty are either sleeping or have better places to be, Jared figures.

Well not him. Not today.

“Can I get an espresso?” Danneel says, leaning over the bar as she slides onto the stool beside him.

Ronnie the bartender looks between them, a somber look on his face, then nods and sidles away, making himself scarce. He’s worked here a long time, has been drinking here even longer, so he knows when he’s being given ‘the signal’.

They see a lot of bad things on the streets; a lot of innocent people get hurt, and bad guys get away with it sometimes, despite how hard the department works. Life isn’t easy, especially for those who head up specialist departments like SVU. This is different though, and it seems like everyone else knows it too.

They sit in silence for a long minute with the low rumbling of Johnny Cash in the background, the old jukebox skipping every now and then, until someone gives it a swift slap, and the lights flash, but it plays on undisturbed.

“Not exactly a regular day at the office, huh?” Danneel finally says, and Jared snorts, side-eyeing her hard. She shrugs and nods in thanks when Ronnie slides the espresso in front of her, but doesn’t stop as he passes.

Jared has a lot he wants to express, mostly with his fists, but he was forced to attend a seminar on that kind of thing a couple years back after . . . well, just after, and he’s not real keen on having to relive the experience.

Danneel is his partner, she’s not delicate, she can handle whatever he throws at her, but she was also Jensen’s friend, so Jared holds back.

“Are you ok?” he asks her, staring down into his cup.

“You’re joking right?” she asks, rubbing a hand across her mouth and then knocking back the espresso shot as though it was real liquor. Jared shrugs. “Besides,” she says, voice a little croaky, although Jared’s good enough not to mention it, “I should be asking you that.”

“I don’t really know what to say,” Jared tells her. When he finds the courage to look up at her face she looks wrecked, probably about as bad as Jared himself looks, and he swallows hard. “I’ve barely even said his name in two years,” Jared rasps, looking away quickly, “I’ve had nightmares, woken up convinced I could still feel his-” his voice cracks, “-his blood on my hands, sometimes I wake up, and I can’t breathe, Danneel. But now . . .” he trails off.

Danneel reaches out and covers his hand with hers, pulling it away from the death-grip he has on the mug and laying it on the bar. Jared’s back goes rigid, and he smooths out his expression, all of the hurt and devastation slipping back behind the mask Danneel’s been staring at ever since Jensen’s funeral.

His goddamned funeral. Son of a bitch.

“Where-” Danneel clears her throat and draws her hand back carefully, “did he tell you where he’s been all this time?”

Jared scoffs. “Seattle. Best ADA in the fucking state and he’s been selling insurance from some cubicle in fucking Washington state, doing God knows what else. Goddamn fucking Wit Pro with all their bright ideas about fresh starts and clean slates, it’s all bullshit! Here I am feeling guilty about Genevieve, and he’s been-”

“You don’t know that,” Danneel cuts in softly.

“Doesn’t matter,” Jared retorts with a bitter scowl. “He broke his vows, Danni. He left me behind, made me believe that he was gone, and it nearly killed me, you know that.”

“I do,” she says.

Jared shakes his head and swallows down the last of his cold coffee before he gets up, looking drained and weary. “I haven’t got time to think about this now; we’ve got paperwork to fill out about our dead rapist and his suicidal murderer.”

Danneel turns her head to watch him leave, “At the time, if he’d asked-?” she starts but she doesn’t need to say anymore.

Jared freezes but slowly he turns back to her, frowns, and then shakes his head. “No, probably not,” he smiles faintly, and it makes Danneel’s heart stop for a moment, all of the cracks in his facade displayed in that single expression, “then again, I’m sure he knew that already.”

Danneel sighs and throws some bills on the bar then follows her partner back to the station. New York isn’t gonna slow down just ‘cause they’ve got some personal drama going on after all.

  
\--  
Sunday 3:50 pm  
Paramount Hotel  
Manhattan, NY  
November 14th, 2010

 

Tracking down her best friend seems to be the easiest thing to do when you’re a detective with the know-how and deductive reasoning to get the answers you want. It also helps the process if the person being sought is actually alive. Danneel is the kind of girl that simply thinks of something she wants to get done and sets out to do whatever it took to reach her goal. When goals include best friends, there is no way she is going to stop until she gets what she wants. There are a lot of people, even her partner, that would say she is too hardheaded for her own good. Be that as it may, it’s what makes her so damned good at her job and there’s no one on this earth that can argue with her about that.

 

That’s what makes it so damned easy to walk into Captain Meloni’s office and ask if he has any clue as to where Jensen is staying while he is here. The good part is that she doesn’t have to demand the information, because Meloni is more than willing to share Jensen’s current address. The older man has been more than aware of her close friendship with Jensen. It’s not like it was a secret that they were a lot tighter even than she and Jared. It’s not something she likes to admit, because now she considers herself closer than ever to Jared. There’s no counting all the times she’s put her life on the line for that man in the eight years they’ve been partners, but she grew up with Jensen. The blonde man was the first boy she ever had a crush on. He was the guy that pushed her to be a cop and has cheered her on ever since. It didn’t mean she wouldn’t be there for Jared. It just meant that she had an obligation to be there for Jensen, too.

 It’s the rules of friendship.

After climbing the four flights of stairs to get to room 4060, she finds it utterly lucky as she gets a glimpse at a nicely dressed man packed suitcase in his hand that she recognized from the precinct. With a bounce in her step and a smug smile, she walks right up to the man to cut him off from his destination. Whatever is going on, Danneel is going to find out what and put a stop to it. There is no way his best friend is leaving again. Jensen will have to walk over her lifeless body before he flees New York, and she is a tough girl to knock down.

“Now don’t tell me. You’ve had an insurance emergency, and they need you right away?” The sound of her voice seems to send Jensen’s footsteps to a halt as they meet right in the middle of the hotel hallway.

The other man just rolls his eyes, completely uninterested in Danneel’s remark, before he starts to resume his stride to the nearest exit. “I don’t have time for anything you have to say to me. Trust me; everybody else has said enough to me to last a lifetime.”

All that does is make the red head more furious than she was to begin with. Within an instant she steps to the side to block him and quickly moves to the other side to block him again when he changes direction. It causes Jensen to get frustrated with her, but it brings satisfaction when he finally stops trying to walk away. She wasn’t lying when she said she was hardheaded.

“What do you want, Danneel?” His tone is even and shows no signs of the irritation his expression shows. There was the proof that this was in fact Jensen Ackles.

“Is that all I get after all that we’ve been through?”

Jensen rubs his head before shaking it in distress, “You know I really would like to get on with my life and avoid all the ‘How could you do what you did, Jensen?’ lectures. I don’t think I can handle one more person telling me I’m heartless for what I did.”

Danneel clenches her fists tight and gets her bearings before she stares the man in the eye with the most fearsome look she’s ever given him.

“You listen to me, Ackles because I swear if I have to ever repeat this again, I will make sure you’re toothless,” she threatens. “I’m here as your best friend. I’m here, because I care. I may not agree with what you did, and I may not be pleasant right now, but I am your best friend. And God damn it if you leave without so much as a word-” She has to stop talking in order to hold in the sob she wants to let out so badly. If there is anyone in the world that can make her cry besides the dead, it’s Jensen. She wouldn’t dare admit it to anyone else but she’s able to admit it to herself. That’s what truly mattered the most.

 

“Why is it so important that I stay?” He yells out, looking on the verge of sobbing too. “I have nowhere to live, and no one to count on! I have a job to go back to but I’m not even sure I want to go back to that.”

 

That makes her shove at him with so much force in order to make him understand. “Haven’t you been listening? You have me!”

 

The look that her best friend gives her is something that she can’t explain, but it makes her let a couple of tears slide down her cheeks.

 

“You’d be willing to deal with me? Even after all this crap?”

 

She answers his question by hugging him in a tight embrace. “What do you think?” Then her eyes glide over his appearance one more time, taking in all the changes since he used to live here, like the eye and hair color. “First things first, let’s get you back to your original look, because brown hair and blue eyes don’t suit you at all.”

\--  
Thursday 9:50 am  
District Attorney’s office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 18th, 2010

Jensen gasps in surprise when he walks into the office and is greeted with a hug from out of nowhere. He’d talked to Meloni about setting up a meeting with his former boss to discuss getting his old job back, and he has been wracked with nerves all week. Of course this was after he had decided to stay in New York after all, with the help of his best friend, who also happened to help him fix his living situation. After all he’s been through, he didn’t expect to be surprised hugged by District Attorney Jason Bateman.

When he’s finally released from the older man’s tight embrace he’s able to take in the man’s happy grin on his face.

“Jensen, it is an honor to have you back.”

“Well I’m glad to be back, sir. I was promised that my old job would be up for grabs.”

“I can’t think of anyone else that can do a much better job than Katie.”

It makes his heart swell that, despite Jared’s rejection, he still has friends and his job. It might not cover everything, but it’s a start.  
\--  
The only hard part of coming back to his cushy job as a district attorney, besides having to work so closely with Detective Padalecki, is having Katie Cassidy transferred out. The girl has been the secret weapon this department needs, and it doesn’t surprise him one bit how good she is. After all she did learn all her most promising tricks from Jensen.

The reality that he was taking Katie away from a place she could really blossom does make him skeptical about taking his job back, but the fact of the matter is that Katie is brilliant enough to excel anywhere.

The worst of it, at least to Jensen, is that Katie was more than willing, actually demanding, to step down for him. He doesn’t feel too good about all his friends openly doing favors for him, especially after the disappearing act that’s caused one of his most important relationships to crumble.

Weather he likes it or not, he has to have some part of his old life back, and since being with Jared is out of the question, he has to settle for being ADA Jensen Ackles once again. If not then he will have to accept failure and return to the easy going routine Jacob Barnes had.

\--  
Friday 12:30 pm  
Jensen’s office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 19th, 2010

When Alexis walks into his office, he takes in the fact that she’s neither upset or surprised to see Jensen here. It might be possible that the situation was explained to her, or maybe she was smart enough to piece it together. Either way it freaks Jensen the fuck out, because no matter how quiet he was, he was always so transparent to her.

Alexis breaks his thoughts with a small giggle, real laughter, and a smile. He’s jealous in a way, because he couldn’t even look at his husband after his almost attack, let alone crack a smile and laugh. Yet his friend from Seattle does it so naturally, it’s like maybe she’s come to terms with something.

“You were always too critical for an insurance agent,” she informs him, blue eyes gleaming. “Jacob Barnes seemed out of his element and nothing close to a mundane PEMCO worker. There was always something more to you.”

Jensen looks up and sees her face. It’s full of understanding, love, and affection that he didn’t really expect from all of this.

“I didn’t really feel like I fit in there,” he admits, running a hand through his hair.

“Nope, you didn’t,” she agrees. “You, my friend, were destined for better things.”

Jensen lowers his head when he finally decides to get the question he’s been meaning to ask her. “Did Jared tell you what-“

Alexis immediately cuts him off, eyes going soft and glassy. “Every detail and I’m sorry.”

“For what?” If anybody was sorry it was him. Alexis had nothing to apologize for. If it wasn’t for him, Alexis wouldn’t have even been involved.

“For what you’re going through.” She offers him a hand, and he grasps it in hers tightly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he assures her, “this was my fault, my mess. Not yours. You did nothing wrong.”

She smiles, “At least the newspaper collection makes sense now. Tell me about him, Jared. I’ve got some time to kill before I head back home.”

So Jensen starts from the beginning, and it takes nearly two hours to explain the love story of Jared and Jensen.  
\--  
Monday 9:26 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
November 22nd, 2010

When there’s a case, Detective Padalecki is usually paying attention with his hand up, asking the questions. Where there is nothing to do he finds something to work on. however, ever since the Bomer trail he’s been on a bus that’s going in the wrong direction.

Nowadays all he can think about is every aspect of his past, and since he realizes that his deceased lover in’t really dead, the memories have been released automatically. For so long he has suppressed every memory he ever shared with Jensen, he has buried them so deeply they’ve hidden in his subconscious dreams.

Before, it was easy to have a nightmare once in a while without alerting his girlfriend but since Jensen’s return, the dreams and memories flash at all times of day, not giving him a moment’s rest without driving him nuts.

 

After the short trial of Bomer’s case Jared had told Genevieve that she’d have to go alone to visit her family up in Rome.

 

When he broke it to her, she looked more than a little disappointed, just as he’d suspected she would be. Genevieve had tried every ploy to get him to go with her, until he had finally caved. It was her slinky black lingerie that didn’t really cover all her private areas that had probably persuaded him.

“If you change your mind again,” her head leaned in close, while her lips made an obscene popping noise at the word, “You just might get lucky, detective. I’m talking better than winning the lottery lucky.”

Of course at that point he didn’t even have his ex-lover on his brain – he was too busy pleasuring the downstairs one to even remember his name.

That had been his one absolute problem in all of this – Genevieve Cortese. The girl was the woman his mama would have hand-picked for him to marry and have his babies with. In other words she was this ray of sunshine, who had made his life warmer after his husband’s death.

He found himself deeply in love with this independent photographer who found beauty in darkness. She had certainly found something in Jared. He was ready to commit and move on with her; he was going to have his house renovated and let her move in with him. He was ready to trade in the memories he and Jensen had built together in their five years of marriage for the new ones he would make with Genevieve. It seemed easier to paint over memories and create new ones, because Jared couldn’t find it in himself to sell the house. Then he agreed to visit her family for Thanksgiving and take her down to San Antonio to introduce her to his whole clan, which even surprised his mama when he brought it up. He’d even gone as far as taking off his wedding band. That had actually been the hardest step to carry out; it felt even worse to think about, but he felt ready. Somewhere deep in his heart he had a feeling he’d fallen too fast, but the same thing had happened before, only this relationship brought less heartache.

Then Jensen Ackles turned out to be alive and not six feet under like everyone assumed. His presence, just simply knowing he existed, brought in a rush of memories, and a distraction from work he didn’t exactly need.

A familiar clanking of dress shoes on freshly mopped tile, a walk he hadn’t noticed before but finds hard to ignore, now that his memories and the star of each one is back, interrupt Jared’s thoughts of anger and regret.

When Jared takes a quick glance he immediately regrets it, because his eyes can’t seem to look away. He swallows hard, choking down a gasp that he almost lets out just because he’s seen Jensen in all his ADA glory.

Jensen’s wearing a clean, crisp, blue suit with a white shirt and a matching striped blue tie that pulls the look together. His hair seems to be styled with very little product, and he’s not wearing glasses .

Jared takes a deep breath and wills away all his lust. He should feel nothing but contempt for the betrayal he’s had to endure for this man, but his mind won’t shut down the memoriesthat replay every two seconds.

He’s silently hoping this can’t possibly mean what he thinks it might mean. There is no way the DA’s office would just let Jensen waltz back in here and hand him his old job back. It doesn’t work that way. It can’t work that way. Then again, Jensen’s reputation had preceded him, and no one could beat his winning streak.

Then his worst fears come true, when he turns around to where Jensen’s heading to see the Captain already waiting for him at the door. His face doesn’t show any signs of shock or surprise, which leads to only one conclusion.

Jensen is going to be working with them again.  
\--  
Monday 2:15pm  
Lauren Cohan’s Office  
Manhattan, NY  
November 22nd, 2010

“It’s been a while,” Lauren’s voice startles Jared from the deep thoughts that he’s been getting lost in lately.

Due to his workload lately he hasn’t made it over for another session. After the last few times he saw her he’d thought that he might just be able to settle into something resembling happiness. Truth is if he really wanted to he would have made more of an effort to see her. The need to gush out emotions hasn’t come up until Jensen graced everyone with his presence. He feels guilty for being this way to Lauren, but he can’t really turn to Danneel no matter how close they are. She may be his partner, but Danneel was Jensen’s best friend first.

“I just needed someone to get this all out to.” He has no idea what to do with his hands and decides to let them rest in his lap. There are a million ways he can approach this, but Jared is really good at getting to the point. “I’m sure you’ve heard about what happened with Jensen.”

She just nods her head with no trace of surprise on her face, “I had a feeling this might have something to do with that.”

Lauren takes her seat across from Jared like she does in every session. This time he is well aware of how she analyzes him, taking in little observations to jot down for her notes. If anything he finds it unnecessary to be scrutinized and judged by another. It’s why he hates shrinks so much, but he focuses on the reason he’s there.

“I’m not sure what to do about him.” Jared explains. “It’s like one second he’s this love that I thought had been eliminated from my life, and then it turns out I was wrong about that the whole time.”

Lauren leans forward in her seat with eyes full of something he doesn’t recognize. “What is it that you’re feeling, exactly?”

Jared scoffs, “And that’s the part I can’t even figure out. I should be going to Rome for Thanksgiving with Genevieve, and then back down to San Antonio, so she can meet my family. The thing is I can’t stop thinking about how he betrayed me, and how much it matters that I’ve been cheating on him with this girl he doesn’t even know. There’s a never ending parade of guilt that’s fallen on me, and for some reason I can’t get it to stop.”

She simply cocks her head to the side, “Does she know Jensen’s alive?”

The question makes his eyes go wide, because the thought hadn’t really crossed his mind. Not with spectacular clarity. “She left before any of it hit the media.”

“What if Jensen finds out about her?” The question seems to spur from curiosity, or possibly the type of set up Lauren always attacks him with; he’s not so sure right now. “Despite everything that went on between you two, how would you respond to it?”

Jared looks down with the answer evident in his face. “Like I made the biggest mistake in the world.”

Her eyes shine with her smug smile, “Then I think it’s pretty clear how you still feel about Jensen. You said it yourself, she’s with her family, and you’re still here where Jensen is.”

And he still has to work with him.  
==  
Tuesday, 3:05 pm  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
December 7th

It’s late afternoon when a woman makes her way up Jared, screaming and demanding help. The woman’s loud cries have everyone in the precinct alarmed, but he calmly takes the woman by the hand to escort her to his desk. He has her sit down in his chair before signaling Danneel over to them so that they can handle this together.

  
“Now, ma’am, I’m Detective Padalecki,” and when his partner finally reaches his side, he cocks his head toward her and says, “this is my partner Detective Harris. Now I can’t help you if you can’t speak to us calmly.”

The woman nods, “I’m sorry. My name is Kirsten Bell. My daughter was kidnapped, Detective.” The woman has blonde, long hair that reaches her shoulders and bright blue eyes that are bloodshot from crying and lack of sleep. Her voice is distraught, and her appearance is disheveled.

Kirsten is seated across from Danneel and Jared in order to address her problems. It’s very rare that they handle kidnapping cases, but minors do count as special victims, which is their jurisdiction.

“How long has your daughter been missing,” Danneel asks first. She has her notepad out so she can record all the evidence and information that they’re going to need. The question is standard for any type of kidnapping. It helps them figure out what they are able to do when they’re given the time of abduction. A child can’t be reported as kidnapped if they’ve been gone for less than twenty-four hours.

The mother cries into her hands with loud sobs and hiccups, “She’s-huh-been gone since Friday.”

Jared looks at her with a concerned expression and intervenes with another question. “Why didn’t you file a missing child’s report sooner, ma’am?”

Kristen doesn’t respond to that and remains silent.

It only makes Jared prod further, “Kristen, we can’t help you find your daughter if you don’t cooperate with us.” That seems to grab her attention, because she pulls her hands away from her face, sniffling, trying to collect herself. She takes several deep breaths, trying to muffle her cries.

“My daughter likes to stay out all the time. It was normal for her to stay out a couple of nights later than planned.” Her eyes shine with regret and tears, obviously guilty. “I didn’t think anything of it, until I got a call from school on Monday saying that Emma never even showed up to school and no matter how upset she is, she always goes to school.”

Danneel reaches across the table to put her hand on Kristen’s as a gesture of sympathy, “Do you have any idea where Emma was on Friday?”

“She said she was going over to her boyfriend’s house,” she says with disgust. “Jake Abel is this crazed hippie freak she met at her workplace. Gray’s Papaya’s. Ever since she got with him there have been nothing but problems from her.”

Jared raises his eyebrows, “Did you guys fight before she left Friday?”

“Just the usual roundabouts of ‘I’m a bad mother who can’t keep it together most days’.” Kristen sighs deeply, “She never used to say that to me ever. Then all of a sudden she meets this modern day hippie, and suddenly her whole perspective has changed.”

“So you’re saying this boyfriend of hers has a huge influence on Emma’s actions?” Danneel asks before glancing at Jared with her suspicious expression. He knows what his partner’s thinking about all this since he’s obviously had the same theory.

Jared tries to approach this in the most delicate way he can think of. “Kristen do you think it’s possible that Emma and her boyfriend just ran away together?”

Just like he suspected, the question makes the mother light up with anger. “Emma and I had our problems but she wouldn’t just run away! Can you help me find her or not?”

Jared nods at the redhead, letting her know that she should take the reins and soothe the distressed mother, before this gets out of hand.

“We’re going to do what we can to find Emma,” Danneel promises. “But you need to understand that there is a real possibility that she may have just run away from home.”

Kristen just sobs harder than she did before.

\--  
Tuesday, 3:55 pm  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
December 7th

Danneel points to the projector screen behind her with a laser pointer in hand. The detectives are surrounded by the fancy tech equipment provided by good old Uncle Sam that usually comes in handy while on the job. In this particular situation it’s helped introduce the case to the Captain.

“We have sixteen year old Emma Stone. Born and raised in New York, living with her mother in Queens. Her parents are divorced, but she still uses her father’s last name.” Danneel begins pointing at the recent photo of Emma that her mother’s provided them with. “Grades are above average, and her background check was the cleanest I’ve ever seen. This girl has no criminal record.”

When they talk to the Captain he looks just as unconvinced as they were about this. he’s wearing the same questioning expression on his face that came up when they talked to Kristen.

“So who does the mom think might have taken her?” Captain Meloni asks, still puzzling it all together.

“Now that’s the good part,” Jared comes up from the opposite side of Danneel with a remote control in his hand that brings up a picture they’ve found of Emma’s boyfriend. It’s a black and white mug shot that was dated only a year ago, showing a very drunken Jake. “Jake Abel, eighteen years old and employed at Gray’s Papaya like Emma. This guy has a record of violence as long as my arm and isn’t the peaceful hippie freak he’s claiming to be.” He clicks the button that brings up his criminal record that is a long list of misdemeanors he’s committed. “All of these were offenses for either striking another person or drunken disorderliness.”

The Captain just peers at all the evidence in front of him, trying to piece together some kind of theory that Jared and Danneel can hopefully go on.

Finally the Captain speaks, “Well bring him in for questioning. Find out if he was the last one to see Emma.” Then he points his finger at Jared in warning, “And I want you two to play by the book on this one. No tricks, you got it?”

“We got it,” they reply in unison.

“Good,” he nods, “now bring Jake Abel in.”

\--

As usual Jared saunters into the interrogation room first, with every intention of making this guy spill anything that might help them find Emma. It’s the good ol’ good cop, bad cop routine that he and Danneel like to stick with. It brings out wondrous results 99 percent of the time when he has to be the bad cop. He can honestly agree that it’s his favorite part to play.

“Where were you going with Emma on Friday night, Jake?”

“The movies. We went in and saw some crappy horror film, and then I took her home. That’s all.”

“Well that’s funny, because her mom said she never came home.”

“That nasty old bitch hates my guts. She’d say anything to blame me for whatever happens to Emma.”

“Well Emma’s your girlfriend; you don’t seem so worried about where’s she’s at.”

“I love Emma, but she can handle herself. That girl would have done anything to get away from her mom, and I don’t blame her.”

“Wow, man, none of the cards are in your favor. You see you just admitted to being the last one seen with her, and that already puts you in the hot seat.”

“I didn’t do anything to her!”

“Why so hostile, then?”

“I don’t like being accused of something I didn’t do!”

“Well are you sure? I mean you really disliked Emma’s mom. Made Emma and her fight all the time. Are you sure you didn’t ask her to run away with you?”

“No!”

“She doesn’t want to so you decide to change her mind. Maybe you slapped her around a little to get your way,” Jared shrugs nonchalantly.

“I don’t believe in violence.”

“I call a big sticking pile of bullshit, because your criminal record proves otherwise. Try again.”

“I don’t have to take this crap! I want a lawyer.”

“And people in hell want water but sometimes we don’t get what we want. You’re not going anywhere until you tell us where Emma is.”

The door slams open immediately as Jensen and Meloni peek into the interrogation room.

“Detective,” Jensen says firmly pointing at the door. The he averts his eyes to look at Jake, sitting down, looking like an angry child.

Jensen just walks up to him and advises him with a cocky smirk. “It would be in your best interest to come forward with anything you know, but just because you cry lawyer doesn’t mean you’re still not a suspect. It just means that if there is any evidence against you it’s less likely you’ll get any kind of plea bargain.”

Jared scrunches his face up in disgust. He hates that he was ordered out of his interrogation by Jensen. He knows he’s going to get an earful from the Captain later, but he’s not too worried since he’s too busy being impressed with Jensen’s fancy, non-threatening threat.

Captain gives Jared a stern look a couple moments later, “You heard the man, let him go.”

\--  
Tuesday, 6:05 pm  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
December 7th

Jensen is sitting beside a pile of case files that’s so tall it’s collapsing under its own weight, with the strongest, darkest coffee he could find in the station cafeteriawhen Jared approaches him. Jensen knew it was coming; it’s been hard to miss with all of the tension in the air. For days he and Jared have been locked in some ridiculous stalemate of faux-blank stares and the most inane mixture of work talk and pleasantries Jensen has ever heard. Even the worst of dates could never compare, and Jensen’s been on plenty of sucky dates. Their colleagues have actually been avoiding them because it’s been so bad.

All things considered, he’d have put money on Jared stopping by earlier.

“I tried to let it go,” Jared begins. His hands are clenched in fists on his hips, and Jensen can see the tick in his jaw from where he’s sitting. “I really did,” Jared continues, “But you know what, I shouldn’t have to, because I’m not the one who ditched my vows and let the love of my life believe I was dead, so I have nothing to feel guilty about.”

He breathes in hard. Jensen sips his lighter-fuel coffee but doesn’t comment.

“You’re pissing all over my case.”

“I’m doing my job,” Jensen corrects.

“No, you’re busting my nuts, because you think it’ll-”

“It’ll what?” Jensen provokes Jared with a hard stare down.

Jared growls in frustration and shrugs. “I don’t know, Jensen. Impress someone? The captain, me- maybe you’re trying to prove yourself, but all I know is you’re pissing me off, and I can’t have you in my face all day every day and not want to punch that sleazy, cocky lawyer smirk right off of your goddamned mouth.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow in a gesture he knows Jared hates; the very one he seems to want to beat out of him. It’s oddly satisfying to push Jared’s buttons and get such a strong response, the closest thing to passion he’s likely to get for now.

“What do you want me to do, Jared?” Jensen asks, spinning his chair around and crossing his legs, one knee over the other. Jared forces his eyes to stay on Jensen’s face and not to follow it. Jensen is using his earnest, reasonable voice, and Jared is practically vibrating with anger.

 

“Look, I can talk to the captain, maybe get you a break on the workload, and maybe pick up a few more sessions with Lauren-”

Jared snaps forward then, his big fist catching the front of Jensen’s shirt and dragging him up from the chair. Jensen doesn’t react other than with a shocked whoosh of breath and a hand steadying himself against Jared’s shoulder.

“Fuck you, Jensen,” Jared spits. The whole room is silent now, the frenzied bullpen unnatural in the stillness; Jared knows everyone is watching, and he also knows that if he makes any more of a scene he’ll have the captain on his ass for forever and a day, but he’s not gonna let Jensen win that easily.

 

Jared loosens his fist and sets Jensen back straight on his feet, smoothing down his silk tie with a coldly insincere smile on his face. “Back off my suspect, Ackles,” he whispers roughly. His voice is choked up like he’s choking on all the words he wants to say, to scream at the top of his lungs with all the grief and violence he wants to dole out.

 

Jensen half wants him to get on with it; to throw a punch, make it sting. He deserves it all, but he’s not gonna admit that. He’s no bitch.

“Detective,” Jensen says as Jared turns his back and begins to walk away, his head averted so he can avoid all the eyes on them.

Jared stops and his shoulders slump slightly. “What?”

Jensen is momentarily lost for words. He swallows, adjusts his tie, his glasses, and then he says “Love of your life. You said love of your life.”

Jared flinches like he’s been hit. Jensen knows it stings, and somewhere deep inside he kind of thinks Jared deserves it too.

Jared walks away without another word.  
\--  
Tuesday 10:40 pm  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
December 7th, 2010

Jared picks up his phone as soon as it rings, knowing exactly who it is. Genevieve has been calling him regularly to keep him updated on her trip. After the way his day’s been going, he’s relieved to hear her voice.

“It’s nice to speak to someone that doesn’t want to make me look stupid,” Jared laughs as he hears her giggle at him. “What have you been up to?”

“I’ve been keeping busy with the family. You wouldn’t believe how much there is that I missed out on,” her voice seems to taper off, and he can hear that there’s something she’s not telling him.

“Gen, spill. Whatever you wanna say, tell me.”

“Well I do have some bad news,” she confesses. “It looks like I’m going to be here longer than I expected. It turns out my family needs it me a lot more than they let on. I’m really sorry.” He can her how sincere her apology is and doesn’t blame her at all.

“No, you’re family needs you, and I get that.” Then he hears her answer with silence and knows that there’s more she has to tell him. “Is there anything else you wanna get out?”

That’s when she speaks in a voice that has a hint of disappointment, “Were you ever planning on telling me that your husband was still alive?”

“You know it’s not like that,” he explains in a rush, knowing how it all must look. As if he was cheating on Jensen this whole time with Genevieve. Although it somehow feels that way, it isn’t really what he’s been doing. “I didn’t know he was still alive. It was news to me too, and when I found out about it I wasn’t exactly in the right headspace to tell you about it.”

“Look I get that this is a very bad situation, for all of us. It’s just I would like to be kept in the loop with all of this. I am still the girlfriend, right?” she asks, fishing for an answer to another question. He can tell she’s indirectly asking if Jensen being back is going to change anything, and, fuck, is that ever a question that is too complicated to handle. What the hell do you say to that?

“You are,” he replies, not completely sure but holding it back, so it didn’t seep into his voice. He needs to sound confident for now and sort it all out later. “This is just a setback, and I have no intention of trying to salvage what he had. All I need to do is work with him.”

Genevieve just sighs heavily, “Ok I guess that makes it less worrisome. I was just checking. I miss you so much, you know?”

Jared laughs, “Yeah I know. I miss you too.”

“Don’t forget to keep me up to date, with everything, Jared,” she warns voice serious.

“You’ll know when I find out, I promise,” and if he sounds like he’s lying, his girlfriend doesn’t seem to pick up on it. He’s gotten so good at deceiving people that he even believes himself.

\--  
Wednesday 3:10 pm  
Jake Abel’s House  
Manhattan, NY  
December 8th, 2010

They end up having to get every police officer to put up posters that ask that the public to keep on the look out for Emma Stone, with Amber alerts sent out through every device they can think of. By night time the unit is all gathered working hard to figure out what they can find with all the records they have access to on Jake Abel. They’ve been working so hard most of the day that Jensen’s pretty much ready to admit they’ve got nothing to go on.

 

“All we really know for sure is that Jake was the last to see Emma?” Jensen asks, disappointed. “There isn’t anything else more solid than that?”

Jensen has been fighting through the tension between him and Jared since his first day back here. The more time that passes by, the harder it seems to get for them. It’s only difficult right now, because they’re working together side by side again for the first time in two years. Right now their problems are heavy and Jared’s outburst earlier in the afternoon just pointed out that they both need to be a little more professional about this. They need to separate work from their personal life. That’s why he doesn’t react when Jared doesn’t respond to his question and shrugs him off.

Danneel perks up at the question, ignoring Jared’s childish behavior, and provides Jensen with something useful. “Well I checked out his statement, and it seems that they did go to the movies but they didn’t stay for long.”

Jensen straightens up at the good news. “It turns out that Jake got into an altercation with the manager of the Queensborough movie theater. According to the Manager, he was being thrown out for, get this,” Danneel says with a distasteful tone, “beating up a redhead that he identified as Emma.”

“So he positively ID’d her with the picture you had of Emma. Are you absolutely sure you guys followed procedure on this?” Jensen double checks. It’s a start in the right direction. The evidence doesn’t prove Jake took her or possibly killed her, but at the very least they can charge him with aggravated assault.

“We’re affirmative,” she answers. “Is it enough to get a search warrant?”

Jensen just smiles, “More than enough.”

He glances at Jared and catches his eye for a couple of seconds before he stands up and makes his way to the door. “I’ll go see if I can get Judge Smith to sign the search warrant for us at this time of night. Try not to cause any trouble, okay?”

He tries not to smile too wide when he notices Jared glance up at him for a second as he walks out the door.  
\--  
It’s during the day that they decide to bust in to Abel’s place to look for any evidence they can find. Jared doesn’t like the fact that Jensen wanted to wait until morning to search the place, but it makes sense to go check it out while the perp is at work. It makes it easier to get in and search without being interrupted or stopped by the suspect.

Misha, Chris, Danneel, Aldis, and Jared all proceed to search the house from top to bottom for any scrap of evidence they can find. The guy lives in a rundown little shack under the Queens Bridge and the amount of questionable things they find is outrageous.

Jared slips on his plastic gloves as he roots around under the bed of the master bedroom. He pulls out a stack of playboys and porn dvds from underneath. “A huge collection of porn under the bed!” Jared shouts. “What do you guys got?”

Danneel shouts from the living room, “Nope, nothing here. Just a stack of playboys. Is it me or this guy a bigger pervert than the rest of the guys we collar.”

Aldis just laughs at her, “There’s nothing wrong with having porn stashed away. There is, however something wrong with stashing pills under the couch.”

Danneel and Aldis go and grab the pill bottles they find all stuffed under the couch.

“Jay, we found a ton of prescription pills-“ Jared hears her voice trail off.

“Danni? What is it?”

“These are prescription drugs for bipolar disorder. These pills are mood stabilizers,” Aldis informs them. “There’s at least ten bottles stuffed under the couch.”

Jared is about to respond at that as he makes his way into the living room, before he’s startled by a voice, somewhere else in the house.

 

“Guys I think I got something!” Misha exclaims loudly, following muffled screams from someone female.

Jared goes down the basement stairs as the others follow behind him. He gasps in surprise when he sees Misha holding Emma Stone in his arms, pale as a ghost, with tape all around her mouth.

“Danni call a bus,” Jared instructs helping Misha lift Emma back upstairs. They help remove the tape from her mouth the moment they sit her on the couch upstairs.

She is still breathing, and when her eyes look up to meet Jared’s he knows she is conscious.

“Hey you’re going to be all right,” he soothes, “help is on the way, okay?”

Emma just nods at him, face dirty and bruised. “I-I-I was left here to die.” She stutters. “Jake-Jake tried to-hurt me…”

Jared just holds on to her tighter, “We’re going to get him. Don’t you worry, Emma. I just need you to hang on right now. Just for a little while. I just need you to talk to me, ok?”

Emma rasps, voice sounding strained and almost gone, but nods at Jared.

“Can you tell me how long you’ve been here?” Jared asks simply, cradling her in his arms, trying to be as gentle as he can.

“Two,” she coughs loudly, “days.”

“You’re going to be ok,” Jared promises her, “Ok? You’re going to be ok.”  
\--  
Wednesday 3:10 pm  
Judge Marishka Hargitay’s Chambers  
Queens, NY  
December 8th, 2010

 

“Your honor, the defendant was caught with a missing girl in a rundown shack that belonged to him.” Jensen explains as he stands next to the skivy pro-bono defense lawyer they’ve hired for Abel. Mark Paul Gosselaar is one of the most manipulative lawyers Jensen has ever come up against. All the maneuvers he uses are dirty, underhanded tricks the law shuns, but they work and can’t be argued. Jensen’s lost a few cases against Mark-Paul, and he’s not prepared to lose any more.

His job is to provide justice for Emma Stone, and even if it takes a long time to do so, he’ll make sure he wins this case. Fairly.

Judge Hargitay takes the manila folders that each of them hands to her, reading over them while they present their arguments to her. The whole point is to make sure they have a case, and if this can be taken to court.

“Your honor, my defendant wasn’t aware of his actions,” Mark-Paul begins to explain, and Jensen just knows the man has something up his sleeve the moment he points to him, “Prosecution seems to overlook my client’s hospital records and the state of his mental health. Jake Abel has been diagnoised with Bipolar disorder.”

Jensen looks down in disappointment; he should have known to look deeper than just his criminal record. Although it was an honest mistake, it’s something that’ll crucify him in court.

“Is that true, consoler? Did you fail to look into the client’s mental health?” Judge Hargitay looks up from their reports and stares right at Jensen.

“The detectives searching the house weren’t aware until they found dozen of his pill bottles stuffed under his couch. We didn’t have any lead to look into his medical records until we searched the house.”

Mark-Paul retorts, “Did you have my client checked out by your psychiatrist before you had him arrested?”

“No.”

Judge Hargitay sighs, “I’m sorry, Jensen. Counselor Gosselaar is correct. If you were aware of the fact that Abel was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you should have had him checked out by your psychiatrist, or at least looked into his records.”

Jensen knew that he was about to hear that this case was going to be dismissed, until he thought about the evidence he had before him. He thought rationally but spoke as soon as the words came into his mind. “Your honor, we weren’t aware of this matter until our officers searched the premises and my detectives found at least ten of these bottles full, none of them discarded. I believe that,” Jensen turns right to Paul with a shit eating grin, “which means that your client was aware that not taking his medication would lead to disastrous actions. It would make him competent to make the choice not to take them while at the same time knowing he was putting others in danger. Like Emma Stone.”

He wants to shout in glee when he sees Hargitay’s smile before she replies, “Well then I believe you two have something to bargain on. I’ll allow your defense, counselor but it doesn’t seem likely that you can convince a jury if you can’t convince me with your evidence.”

All he gets is a dissatisfied glare from Mark-Paul and Jensen has never been happier to be back.

\--  
Jared hears every word while standing outside the door of Judge Hargitay’s chambers. At first he had been a little bit worried about the fact that the medical records had been overlooked. Although he forgot how smart Jensen was at his job. It was pretty brilliant that he used the defenses’ tactic against him.

If Mark-Paul was stupid enough to take this to court, there would be no doubt in his mind that the jury would conclude that Abel was guilty on all accounts and slap on the maximum sentence with no chance of parole. And he’s pretty sure the defense lawyer isn’t dumb enough to risk his reputation for a case he will definitely lose.

He tries not to smile when he sees the two lawyers walk out of the judge’s chambers immediately debating a plea bargain.

“He does eight years at a psych ward and is forbidden from having visitors, until he is stable and regularly taking his medication without fuss.”

“Eight years at a psych ward is a little bit harsh don’t you think.” Mark-Paul accuses, “Jake Abel is suffering from a disorder that can only be maintained by medication that is known to cause depression and other harmful side effects.”

“We both know he didn’t show any of those side-effects while on his mood stabilizers, according to those hospital and doctor reports you were so keen on presenting to the judge and I. Eight years with no visitors is a lot better than serving the maximum sentence of, what were his charges again, detective?”

Jared automatically replies, “Kidnapping of a minor, and assault and battery. That’s easily ten years, more if he’s brought up on any other charges we left out.”

The defense lawyer finally gives in, “I’ll convince him to take the eight years at a psych ward over a prison sentence.”

Jensen smiles and adds, “With no visitors.”

Mark-Paul agrees, obviously defeated, “No visitors.”

“And he agrees not come near Emma at all, because she will be filing a restraining order,” he adds just to be that much more smug, “and the moment he breaks the restrictions is the moment I have him sent straight to prison.”

Jared had almost forgotten how smug the blonde could be when he’s won an easy case.

\--  
Thursday 11:45 am  
Queens’ Courthouse  
Manhattan, NY  
December 9th, 2010

Jensen walks out of the courtroom with a grin on his face. He is proud that Mark-Paul came through on his part of the bargain and convinced Abel to take the deal. It was really an offer none of them could refuse, although it was something that he wishes could have gone differently. Both he and Kristen would have preferred that Abel would serve time in prison, there isn’t anything more he could do since Abel has a medical condition.

When he explains to Emma and her mother the whole situation, they came around to realizing that there was really no way Jake Abel was going to show his face around Emma ever again. There’s no way the man would risk getting sent to prison over it, and if he does, well Jensen would be there to protect her.

He can’t help feeling that it’s magnificent to be back. It hurts that he can’t have everything he used to, though. He glances at Jared talking to Kirsten, who’s thanking him for saving her daughter. He notices Jared stare up at him while the blonde is hugging him tightly.

Jared just smiles shyly and waits for Jared to sidestep Kirsten and meet up with him.

Jared looks down, “You did pretty well with this case, you know?” Jensen just smiles up at the man with his cocky smirk, “Kind of like old times.”

“Maybe we can go celebrate? You know? Like old times?” Jensen suggests shyly.

“We should meet up at our-” Jensen catches Jared’s slip up but says nothing. “I mean my house.”

Jensen just nods in agreement. “That sounds good, detective.”

Jensen swears that he sees Jared smile a bit bigger when he teases him with that, and he gets this sensation of warmth deep inside his heart, like maybe he never really left Jared at all. Maybe he’s been here this whole time for this moment to happen.

\--  
Thursday 8:30 pm  
Padalecki House  
Manhattan, NY  
December 9th, 2010

They sit down in what was once their comfortable dining room, complete with Boston Market take out on the table, and Jensen swears it feels just like old times again. There’s a delectable aroma coming from the hot roast beef with corn, mashed potatoes, and brown gravy filling the whole house. It makes it easy for Jensen to dig right in with his knife and fork to silence the noise of his growling stomach that has been begging for a proper meal.

 

“God did I miss you, Boston market,” he praises around a mouth full of food. “It’s not that I hated Seattle, it’s just that-”

 

“It wasn’t home,” Jared deadpans.

Jensen puts his fork down for a second, to look up at his former lover, looking for the right words to say. “I know that I’ve somehow given you the impression that I didn’t miss you, and, God, you have no idea how much I wanted to call you. There I was every day, looking at my cell phone, your number dialed in , wanting to press the call button but then I’d thought better of it.”

Jared’s expression doesn’t change when he just says, “I should have been the one protecting you.”

Jensen has no idea what to say after that, because really what else is there? So instead he leaves it like that, and they both go back to their meal, eating and chewing in silence. Jensen just stays quiet, tries not to make idle conversation again, because it just leads him into more trouble. He stares up at Jared every once in a while when he’s not looking, and the minutes fly by after that. The quiet actually lasts about thirty minutes, maybe longer.

 

Jared decides to say something when he stands up to pick up their plates and throw them in the sink. “My mom called me the other day; she heard about you.”

 

“Yeah I know,” he feels odd talking about this topic with Jared, mainly because a couple of days ago he felt so crappy about the conversation he’d had with his own family. He scrubs his face, thinking back to that certain phone call he’d got from everyone he knew, and all the regret that their voices brought him. “My Dad pretty much called me to make me feel like a bigger jackass than I already was. My mother was too busy bawling her eyes out to speak on the phone, and Josh and Mack haven’t been able to even make the time to talk to me, since they found out. Your mom pretty much gave me the, “I love you like a son but hate what you did to my real one,” speech.” Jensen just looks down for a moment, “As if I haven’t been beat up enough about it.”

 

“I yelled at her for doing that,” Jared admits, and it sounds like he’s being serious. In all the time Jensen’s known this man, has he ever heard or even seen him defy or yell at his mother in any way? This is a first, and an obvious sign that Jared still cares. “I know that you had your reasons, and I don’t agree with them but that doesn’t mean she had a right to make you feel bad too. I think I pretty much did that all on my own.”

 

Jensen’s not quite sure if that’s an apology or not but smiles anyway. “I didn’t think you cared so much, Padalecki.”

That’s when the taller man looks down, sitting back at the table like he was before, and Jensen could tell the man is overwrought with concern for him. It feels nice.

“What was your dad getting upset at you for?”

“He reminded me that I missed my grandmother’s funeral. I heard about her death but there was no way I was going to get permission to go over there. At that point in time there were too many risks involved, and I really wanted to go. I all but cried all over again when he brought it up to me. I mean I had a life with a good job, a best friend I could rely on, a nice home, and a dog. I had all this stuff and I still wasn’t that happy.”

That earns a laugh from Jared, “You had a dog?”

“His name was Icarus,” Jensen says, face red from embarrassment. He was never really good at taking care of pets, but of course when he no longer had a twenty-four hour a day job making his life busy, it was easy to take care of the little guy. “I gave him to Alexis to take care of, it’s not like I’d have time for him now. Besides,” he shrugs nonchalantly, “Danni doesn’t really like having animals in her apartment.”

He’s positive Danneel has mentioned his living arrangements, because they wanted to be sure it wouldn’t cause any tension with them all working together, and either way there wasn’t much Jared could do about it.

 

Jared looks at him, with those sad, puppy dog eyes he had fallen in love with from the beginning, “I’m sorry that everyone else was giving you a hard time about this. It’s probably not the easiest thing to take after all the crap that went down.”

“It’s funny,” he chuckles, “it didn’t seem like that earlier. You came so close to decking me,” he reminds Jared. Jensen sees how the other man perks up at that, his face flushed as if he was embarrassed about his actions. The truth is he isn’t holding any of that against the taller man at all. He’s done too many unforgivable things, and he can’t say he wouldn’t act the same way if their positions were reversed.

 

“You are the love of my life,” Jared admits to Jensen across the old table where they’d shared meals, conversation, work, and even where they’d made love the first day they’d moved in. He had a whole life with the lawyer, and it was swept under the rug, hidden, the day he supposedly died. It was so hard for him to bear all the pictures that were on their wall or even go into their old bedroom without clutching on the doorknob and hoping it didn’t break under the hostile grip he held it with. There was no way to hold back the hours of sobbing or sleepless nights, or the nightmares that wouldn’t stop.

He was racked with guilt built up over a lie, and that was something he still couldn’t believe. He still couldn’t get over it. No matter what the scenario was, all his pain and heartache could have been spared if Jensen had just opened his mouth and said something. If he’d done anything but what he did.

 

“You’re the love of my life, and I don’t know what to think, because honestly,” he puts a hand flat on the table, wanting to clutch at it to keep him from breaking but instead carries on with the words that are stuck in his throat. “I feel like everything that I went through was just a bold face lie.”

 

“Jared-” Jensen tries, but he immediately cuts him off in order for him to speak.

 

“And I know you did it for me; I know that. But that doesn’t change anything. That doesn’t change the fact that we were married, and we were supposed to be in it together. And it sucks, because I don’t hate you. I never could. I can get angry and worked up, but I can never forget everything else that was between us.”

 

Jared feels this relief in his chest when all the words are finally out, with the rest of the words that didn’t have violence in them. He’d got the violent ones all out earlier today, and practically the whole time they were working this case.

Jensen breaks the distance and puts a hand over his, and the touch is comforting, loving, and everything he’s been missing. Everything Genevieve couldn’t offer, because she wasn’t Jensen.

Jensen opens his mouth as if to speak, but he hesitates, his eyes flicker away from Jared’s face, and his fingers squeeze tight over Jared’s clenched fist on the tabletop. When he swallows, Jared watches his Adam’s apple bob in his throat and remembers how Jensen tastes, the soft spot he has at the nape of his neck.

  
“Jared,” Jensen says, his voice deceptively cool and steady, although Jared can see that he’s off-balance. His other hand is shaking as he pulls his chair closer and looks into Jared’s eyes. It almost feels like stepping back in time as Jared fights the whole body shiver that courses up his spine, and he has to look away.

  
“When I had all my options laid out in front of me, before I faked my death,” Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand again, drags it closer to his body across the surface of the table, “And I thought, there’s no way. I made promises, we had a future planned out, you know? And the more I thought about it, how much I loved you, how strong you were, how much danger I was putting you in, well things started to make a lot more sense to me. I didn’t want to leave you, and there is no reason for you to ever forgive me for doing what I did but-”

  
Jensen’s voice hitches, and Jared fights the urge to look up, to connect with him any more than he already is, skin to skin and with so much heartbreak spilling around them, but there’s something about the way Jensen strokes the back of his hand with his thumb, soothing and reassuring, that he finds him staring back, urging Jensen on with a quiet, “but?”

  
Jensen smiles weakly and lifts Jared’s hand in his own. He bites his lip, indecision clear in his actions, if not on his face. Finally he leans forward and presses his forehead to their clasped hands. “I don’t regret it,” he admits, tears suddenly clear in his voice, “I’m sorry. It was like hell, Jared. I missed you every second, and I know that you suffered, but I protected you, I protected my family, and no matter what I can’t regret the choice I made.”

  
“Hey,” Jared says, wiggling his fingers until he taps Jensen’s skin, then pulls their hands away until he can see Jensen’s face, his eyes are bloodshot, but his cheeks are dry. Jensen avoids his eyes until Jared catches his chin in his hand, Jensen’s caught up in the middle, and pulls him across the table for a kiss.

  
He’s taken a back for a couple of seconds, when Jared takes a couple of steps back to turn away and look for something. Jensen’s face is completely flushed and out of breath from the kiss but baffled by how abruptly it ended. The other man rummages frantically through one of the drawers in what used to be their dining room. When he sees a glint of gold flash from Jared’s hand after he finds what he’s looking for it makes a lot of sense. The drawer was empty, practically untouched. It was a drawer that he and Jared agreed to keep empty for some reason. A long time ago they’d promised that if one of them were to pass away that they could fill the drawer as a remembrance and it was good to know Jared had kept his promise.  
Jensen stands up and reaches half way, and Jared pulls in his left hand to slip the ring on his finger as if it was the first time he was proposing, and Jensen literally felt his heart soar.

  
Jared doesn’t get the chance to speak, before Jensen grabs him by the shirt to pull him in for another long kiss. He finds the strength to make it all the way to the big comfy bed in the master bedroom and push Jared down in to it.

  
He whispers, “Let’s stop talking.”

  
And they manage to let their bodies mumble all the words they wish they could have said to each other two years ago.  
\--  
Jared wakes in the hours before sunrise, for the first time in the past two years calm, rested, and nightmare free. The feelings he has fall somewhere between blissed out and hopeful. For a while he’s had dreams about this moment, where he was reunited with his departed lover before the dream went up in ash and gun smoke. Although he felt happy with Genevieve at his side all the time, he was now whole once more with Jensen in their bed again. It was as if he’d never left.

  
Since he woke up, all he’s managed to do is stare at the sleeping blonde and think all the thoughts the man brought into his mind. _I can’t believe I can feel him near me again. It’s a moment I want to replay over and over in my mind. Please God don’t make me part with him again. Don’t take him away from me until forever has gone by.  
Jared’s eyes wander over smooth, milky soft skin under the ivory comforter he didn’t have the heart to part with. He’s felt the need to use it whenever Genevieve isn’t around, and he has to sleep alone. The thought of using them while he and Genevieve were together, whether it’d be sleeping or having sex, makes him uncomfortable enough to switch comforters when necessary. He can say that right now, more than ever, he’s glad the soft sheets are there for Jensen and their life affirming love making. It makes everything surreal, but less likely that Jensen’s just a figment of Jared’s imagination. It means that Jensen is really with him,and he’s in love again._

_  
Then it also dawns on him that it’s not just them together anymore. Before Jensen’s death it was just the two of them married and together. Now it’s all different. It’s different, because Genevieve is the one Jared is officially with. He’s daunted about the fact that he’s all for leaving this girl who’s seen him through everything he’s beenthrough since Jensen’s ‘death’. In his mind it seems a lot more logical to leave her behind in the hopes of rekindling his marriage. Before last night, hell, before working together again on that case, forgiving Jensen for his lies and secrecy seemed impossible. Then somehow he started to fall in love all over again._

_  
Even though his girlfriend knows that Jensen is still alive, he feels that she more than deserves the whole truth. From the start she’s been loving to him, kind and patient every step of the way. No one asked her to care for him, but she did it any way out of love and nothing more than that._

_  
Jared wants to belong to Jensen again. Only him and no one else. If that happening might be in any way possible, then he has to do what is right and come clean with them both. Of course he will begin with Genevieve, do what has to be done, before he even thinks about telling Jensen about her._

_  
At first he finds slipping out of bed the most difficult task to accomplish. Last night made it abundantly clear how much he’s missed being with his lover in every way possible. After a couple of minutes of lustful glances and a tender caress of the mussed blonde hair, Jared finally pries himself away from Jensen._

__  
He quietly searches for his clothes that are scattered all over the bedroom floor before putting them on and reaching for his cell phone that he left on the nightstand. In mere moments he’s out of the house without once disturbing the other man from his peaceful state of sleep. It motivates him for what he has to do next.  
Jared ends up in a deserted building at the edge of Queens where there is enough space and silence to conduct his phone call. From experience Jared knows that breaking up with someone isn’t the easiest task to prepare for. He knows that all of the words he plans to say will fly right out the window as soon as he hears her voice, and the whole conversation will become awkward.  
He nervously dials up her number into the phone as he sits in a chair left behind with the rubble and dust. At least fifteen seconds pass before the ringing on the other line stops and clicks with an answering voice.

_  
“Hey Jared!” Her voice is as sweet and excited as always, and it hurts him that he’s going to be the one to change her demeanor. “How are you?”_

_  
He coughs; there is phlegm stuck in his throat from being wrought with guilt and nervousness. It’s only after a couple of beats, a deep sigh, and clearing his throat again that he finally speaks back to her. “I’m doing fine. I was just hoping to catch you at a good time.”_

__  
“No it’s a perfect time. My parents and everyone else left for a while and probably won’t be back until later tonight.”  
He suddenly remembers the time difference between them. Even though they’ve been keeping in touch while she was away in Rome, he forgot how far apart they really were.

_  
“How is it there with them?”_

_  
“Wonderful! It’s been awesome getting to be with them all again after so long. They were a little sad that you didn’t get to come along.”_

_  
Jared tries hard, but can’t stop his voice from cracking when he answers, “I’m sad I couldn’t make it either.”  
She detects the lie like he knew she would, and it’s all over from there. “Jared? Can you tell me what’s going on, because I have this feeling that this isn’t a ‘I just wanna hear your voice’ call. I can tell something’s off, wrong with you. Will you please tell me what’s on your mind_ _?”_

_“I think we should end this.” The phrase floats out of his mouth, before his mind can stop it. By the time he’s rational and aware of what he just blurted out of nowhere it’s too late to take it back. It’s too late to end this the right way, because his words are just there lingering over the phone line with the distance the separates them. They were jumbled together, but the phrase was still decipherable._

_  
It takes forever for her to respond, not that he blames her at all. It wasn’t the best way to end their relationship, even discounting the fact that it was over the phone. This whole conversation could have gone a lot better if he’d stuck to his plan._

_  
“Are you there?” His voice is still cracking and lacking the confidence he usually has. Even if he has selfish reasons for breaking up with her it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt him to do it._

_  
“I’m just trying to process what you just said. I mean this isn’t some lame prank is it?” She ignores waiting for him to answer and continues talking instead. “Of course not. You wouldn’t play around like that. Then again I didn’t think we would break up like this.”_

_  
“I’m sorry. I should have done this-“ He stops immediately realizing how ridiculous that sentence would sound. How the hell do you find a better way to end a relationship with someone?_

_  
“No, no, you’re obviously serious about it, and I would much rather it’d be this way, where we can’t see each other in pain than face to face where it’s all out in the open.”_

_  
“You know that this has nothing to do with you, right? I mean Gen, you’re perfect. You’re everything a guy can ask for.”_

_  
“I’m just not everything you’re asking.” The words are said with immense sadness, and a heartache that makes Jared wince. “I’m just not better than him, now that he’s alive again.”_

_  
It sounds hateful, but somehow he feels it’s not how she meant for it to sound. All he does is wait and listen to all the words she wants to spew at him. Anger, regret, or maybe even understanding._

_“Don’t get me wrong,” she explains, “if I didn’t have any knowledge of the crazy events that took place I would find it easier than ever to hate your guts. The problem is I can’t even be mad. I can pine and cry for the loss of what could’ve been, but I just can’t be mad at you. You lost your husband and that’s enough to make anybody depressed.”_

_There’s a pause, and he can hear her soft breaths over the phone before she decides to finish. “Now that he’s alive and back with you, I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t go back to the one I loved if I were in that predicament. So I guess that’s where I stand on all this. The sad but understanding ex-girlfriend.”_

_It’s enough to render him speechless._

_“At least now you can finally be happy with the one you were meant to be with,” she says finally.  
They both know how true that conclusion is._

\--

Friday 9:00 am  
Manhattan 33rd Precinct  
Manhattan, NY  
December 10th, 2010

Jensen is bright and bushytailed more than ever this particular morning. It could be because things are looking up, he’s settled his first case without getting anyone hurt in the process, and he didn’t even have to take it to court. When he woke up Jared had already left, but the note on the bedside table just kept him smiling. He feels like things are really looking up.

He woke up in his old bed, where he was alone but still smiling and happy when he read the note Jared left for him. It was sweet and reminded him of everything he’d missed about his husband. It meant that there was such a thing as a second chance; who knew?

_“Jensen, I went out for a while but I will see you at work. I really did miss you, and especialy after last night I want to make this work, for us.”_

All his hopes come crumbling down when he makes it into the office and starts chatting with Danneel before any work related matters come up. He’s listening to her rant and rave about all the things Jared hasn’t attended to. When hears her grunt, “And if he could be bothered to talk to Genevieve to make sure she’s actually alive... It’s like he forgot she’s his girlfriend.” It makes him gasp in surprise.

“Wait a minute. What did you mean by girlfriend?” He secretly starts praying that Danneel is wrong about her partner-being involved with someone else. Jared hasn’t mentioned anything about it to him at all? There has to be a mistake.

Danneel looks at him, confused, “Yeah. They’ve been together for a while. I mean they even decided to move in together, right before she went to visit her family in Rome. He was actually taking care of her address change before the whole Bomer case happened,” she informs him, unintentionally bursting his bubble. She doesn’t really take notice, until she sees the sad face Jensen’s suddenly wearing, it was quick,switching rapidly to dislike and disgust. “I’m pretty sure they’re still together.”

And that’s a look Danneel has grown accustomed to, since that expression shows up every time Genevieve Cortese’s name is even so much as whispered in Jensen’s presence.

Danneel, who’s known him since grade school and been his best friend through everything, gives him her best smile in an attempt to resolve the situation the same way she always does. She offers words of comfort.

“Look I know this isn’t the best time to mention Jared’s new girlfriend, but we know she doesn’t hold a candle to you,” she swears with one hand in the air to emphasize how serious she was about it, “but she did keep him alive and breathing. And-” she stops at Jensen’s disappointed face. “What?”

Jensen hears her stray off, and realizes Danneel is touching on personal territory, revealing more secrets she probably shouldn’t. Deep down, there’s a longing for ignorance in this particular situation, but he knows that Danneel is too good of a friend not to tell him anything, whether she knew about his and Jared’s hookup or not. She’s talking about this girl as if he had any idea who she is, and he’s trying his best not to look so dumbfounded.

“It’s not that,” Jensen glances down staring at his left hand, and the gleaming wedding band that had meant so much to him a handful of hours earlier. This morning, when his overly romantic husband had placed the gold band on his finger, he actually believed that repairing their relationship wouldn’t be so hard.

That had obviously been the most idiotic mistake he’s ever made.

Last night’s events come back in a flood, and as they become clear to him-they’re less muddled and gritty. It seems to him that what they’d done wasn’t making love at all or hell, even comfort sex. It had just been a drunken night of fooling around with a man he was still married to. All of a sudden he was the other man-the home wrecker-in a relationship that he didn’t even know was taking place.

“Oh my god!” Danneel puts her hand over her mouth stopping what she was doing to stare at the district attorney in complete awe. The silence and dreary look on his face must have given him away, because she hit the nail on the head. “You didn’t even know about it, did you?” She asks in a hushed whisper, like it was some office secret, and, God, it hurt so much to be involved in an affair like this. “Is that where you were last night? With him?”

He feels disappointed for the first time. After a lifetime of being married to Jared Padalecki, he’s only now feeling a sudden rush of disappointment. They’ve had their differences, especially after this fiasco those had been more than obvious, but to intentionally lie and lead him to believe he was faithful? That had been a new level of stupidity of which Jensen never thought Jared could be capable.

Danneel puts her hand on his shoulder, taking him away from his inner thoughts, with the most sincere look that he had ever seen on her face. The girl was a hard shell most of the time, just like the man he was married to, and only a selected few got to see the soft emotional side within. He’s proud, to at least be among the small group that truly know her.

“Look I know you love him. That much is painfully obvious, and maybe he hadn’t told you about it, because he didn’t think it was important at the moment.” Jensen just meets her words with an icy glare, which makes her redirect her partner’s excuse. “Ok maybe he knew exactly what he was doing by leaving you in the dark,” she admits. “But the thought of Genevieve hadn’t even crossed his mind until after-”

Jensen picks up on her loss for words bout what exactly has taken place. She obviously doesn’t know how to interpret what’s happened unless he discloses details.

“After we had sex in the house he was probably going to move her into, the same one we lived in,” he clarified.

Danneel just has her mouth upturned to an ‘oh’ expression, taking note before moving on.

“Ok, after the hot monkey sex that took place, would you really blame him for forgetting?” She asked, still defending Jared, or at least justifying his actions. Jensen thinks she could just be making a subtle attempt at a joke but it’s not funny at all at this point.

“Yeah well he should have said something before. I had no idea, and the last thing I wanna do is wreck a perfectly good relationship.” That had been one of the problems. He wasn’t lying per se, and if Danneel could see it she didn’t comment on it. For that he was grateful. It was one of those problems that were acknowledged, but didn’t need to be mentioned aloud.

Danneel just lifts hereyebrow and cocks her finger at him, “Oh, you mean wreck a perfectly good relationship with Gen, the girl who’s done nothing but backstab you?”

Jensen huffs a breath at her, “Don’t turn this around on me, ok? This has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with Jared being a lying asshole. You don’t forget you’re in a relationship, no matter how in love with someone else you are! You just don’t!”

“I dunno; people do it all the time,” she sings, teasingly. Then Danneel just nods and puts her hands up when he throws her a nasty glare before she decides to speak again. “He’s coming to terms with the fact that you’re still here. I know he would never intend to hurt you in a million years, and same for you. So maybe you’re right, he didn’t make a genius move, but he reacted on instinct. Love makes you do crazy things like that.” Then she pauses for a moment, as if she’s planning on saying something totally unexpected.

“The thing is, you need to do what’s best for Jensen. I think for a while you’ve been so lost, doing things for Jared and looking out for him in way a husband shouldn’t have to, that it has stressed you out. If you think he’s worth being with-if the relationship is worth keeping-then save it, because you want to save your marriage. Don’t break yourself into pieces trying to figure out what Jared was trying to do, because you’ll never be able to find out. No matter how close you two may become.”

Her words were touching and stirred something deep in his heart. It didn’t make this whole complication seem better, but it at least helped him come to some sort of conclusion.

“How do you always know what to say?”

“It’s a cop thing, you wouldn’t understand.” Danneel jokes, causing a small fit of laughter to emit from Jensen’s throat.

  
Friday 7:25 pm  
Padalecki Residence  
Queens, NY  
December 10th, 2010

  
Jensen looks down at the floor, finding way more interesting qualities in the tile than in the face he should be looking at. He is at a loss as to how to say what i on his mind even though he has practiced as much as time has allowed, just to psych himself up for the big moment. It is strange not to be able to decide what exactly to say to someone. He is an assistant district attorney for crying out loud, knowing what to say and being convincing is in the job description. The problem is, when it comes to his love life, his known skills seem to fall flat to the ground.

Despite all his worries he tries to do this the best way he can. He finally looks up at Jared, who’s just silently studying him, waiting for him to call the shots. The taller man is apparently clever and sly, making him wonder how they got to this in the first place.

Oh yeah, he remembers, I was trying to save both our lives and decide what was best for him.

“Look I don’t know how to say this,” Jensen says feeling like bolting out of their-Jared’s-house with no explanation. He doesn’t want to have to explain or express anything right now. He has never been that in touch with his own emotions or saying what he felt, which has in the past sparked a lot of fights between them, but running now wouldn’t make the problem go away. He will just have to suck it up and face it.

Jared seems to not get the ominous memo in his voice and cuts in before Jensen can say anything. “I’m sorry about leaving so early this morning. I didn’t want to wake you up. I just had to run some errands that I never got to take care of last night. I didn’t want to bother you.”

Jensen sees the excuse for what it was, a bold faced lie. Jared should know better than anyone, Jensen is the king of detecting lies.

“Is that so, detective?” Jensen tries to play into the distraction. At this point he can’t just come right out and say what he found out from Danneel, because then that might cause a feud he doesn’t mean to start. “Jared I don’t think-”

Before he can say anything else, Jared cuts him off with a kiss to the lips. This man seems so much more hopeful than the Jared he was working on a case with a few short weeks ago.

This man seems more and more like the man he married, and less like the angry cop that couldn’t win a case against a ruthless child molester. This man was kind and gentle when they kissed. Jared is pressing small kisses onto his lips and working his way to the side of his cheek before moving down to his neck. He starts sucking in a bruise, and that makes Jensen’s breath hitch in and out a little faster.

It’s a distraction; they both know it, or at least Jensen does. The other man appears just as oblivious as always. Jared probably doesn’t know what Jensen really wants, but he wants to follow his instincts. Instincts that would lead them into bed. Any other time he would welcome the idea, if there was any other time when the Jared wasn’t seeing Genevieve Cortese.

He plants his palm flat on Jared’s muscular chest, practically biting off his own moan and whimper of frustration, to pull away. It takes just about everything he can muster because this man in front of him means everything ro him. Pulling away is hard.

Jared protests expectantly and grips his biceps to pull him in closer, but he just turns his face away.

The problem is that he, Jensen, is a large part of this whole situation. Granted, Genevieve is the other half, but the reason all this happened, is happening, is because of him.

“Look, I think last night was a mistake,” Jensen lets out, thinking it might be the best place to start. He can make up all the excuses he wants, but in all truth he did make his decisions to protect his husband. If Jared moving on was one of those implied agreements, then so be it.

Jensen knew he had been selfish from the moment he kissed Jared and ended up in his bed. Sure Jared could have told him about Genevieve himself, but really, when desire is served up on a silver platter, is anyone really going to start spilling the truth?

Jared looks taken aback, like Jensen actually shocked him with his own taser gun or something just as bad. It’s guilt-plain and simple. He’s seen it on so many criminals it’s easy to spot, but he never thought he’d actually see it on Jared’s face.

“I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life,” Jared moves forward to stare him straight down, “What happened last night was definitely not one of them.”

Jensen just shakes his head at that. It had been a lot of things, ecstasy, heaven, passionate, but it wasn’t something that should have happened. He knows he would give anything to have his life, his relationship back the way it was. Sure, it’s way too much to ask but that doesn’t stop the heart from wanting what it can’t have.

He can see Jared just stare in utter confusion at him, like he’s gone completely insane when Jensen pushes him away the moment Jared tries to touch him.

“What’s Genevieve going to think, when she finds out her boyfriend is having sex with his dead husband?” The words are full of a venom that he never though he possessed, and they strike the other man fiercely.

He just raises his hand to stop any and all explanations that might be going to pour from Jared’s mouth. There was nothing right now that he wanted to hear, not when it pertained to Genevieve.

“Look can you not?” Jensen pleads, because the last thing he wants right now is an explanation for this kind of betrayal. "Just don’t try and explain, okay? Not about this.”

There is a lot more he wants to say, but for some reason he just can’t express what he thinks anywhere else besides a court room or an interrogation room.

“Honestly, it feels like,” for the first time ever he doesn’t want to tell Jared what is on his mind. He wants to revert back to his reserved persona, because it would be so easy at the moment, but he goes on anyway, “Like this is some kind of payback for lying to you.”

The realization hurts like hell, and it feels like it’s banished all of Jensen’s hopes of moving forward.

“Why would you even think that?” Jared’s upset and trying to calm down by combing his fingers through his hair.

Jensen just scoffs, “I don’t know. I’m just unreasonable like that, or maybe because you knew! You fucking knew what you were doing, Jared! You played me into believing that all was forgiven, when you… God! When you’re moving in with your new girlfriend. Into our house.” Then with a bitter taste in his mouth, “Or what I thought was ours.”

“It is!” Jared proclaims, hands in the air in a grand gesture, “You know it is, Jen.”

“Don’t,” Jensen warns in a low, dangerous tone, “just don’t call me that.”

He can see that it hurts Jared when he says that, because that means nothing is ok now, but Jared’s going to push to make it right, like he always tries, and before it used to work, but now there’s way too many broken pieces to pick up, and Jensen’s is already too battered to fix.

“Jensen, let me just explain. Let’s talk about what happened. I promise this wasn’t some plot of revenge. Please believe that.”

And, God help him, Jensen wants to believe so badly, but he can’t even do that.

The realization sucks, but when he finally gets out his response, it actually feels a lot worse. “I don’t wanna do this anymore, Jared. I’m going to drive myself crazy living like this with you. I just-” he stumbles, “I don’t know that you really want this for the right reasons. If you did, you would have been honest from the beginning and not leave me to find out on my own.”

Jared’s face just falls, “You mean everything to me.” He takes Jensen’s hands and holds them as tightly as he can, and it almost gets to him, but when he looks down to see Jared’s ring finger bare Jensen pulls his hands away.

“I think she’ll mean a lot more than I do. She can also give a lot more than I ever could.”

Jared just sucks a breath in, “I want you to talk to Lauren. Ask her to show you the tapes. If you won’t believe me, then believe the evidence.”

Jensen stays silent and as much as he hates to do it, maybe Lauren could help shed some light on this.

“I make no promises,” Jensen warns.

“All I need is a chance,” Jared pleads. “Like the one you wanted from me.”

Jensen can’t even believe Jared would hit him with such a low blow and says as much before heading out the door.

  
Monday 9:00 am  
Lauren Cohan’s Office  
Manhattan, NY  
December 13th, 2010

  
Either way, despite all the pain he’s been put through, Jensen finds himself at Lauren’s office. For days he’s been reduced to a brooding mess that can’t function at all. Everywhere he turns in his apartment somehow reminds him of Jared. He had been so close to punching the window because he could have sworn he saw Jared Padalecki’s face in it.

He hopes that somehow he can find some trust again. Any sort of control that’ll help him.

Lauren opens the door for him with a knowing smile and motions him to sit down. Everything is already set up, and he can see the tape recorder at the center of the table.

“Are you ready,” she asks gently.

As his heart beats out of his chest he nods at her.

Then she presses the play button.

‘Tell me about Jensen.’

 

Jensen scoots forward on the edge of the little couch in Lauren’s office and steeples his fingers, poised there, elbows on knees; he hardly breathes for fear of missing one single sound, one breath that Jared takes.

He did this.

There is nothing but silence. Lauren – sitting opposite him in a wing-back chair – covers her mouth with her hand but says nothing, no commentary, just lets the tape speak for itself.  
Jared breathes, but that’s all.

~

‘I don’t want to talk about my feelings,’ Jared’s gruff voice says. It sounds like he hasn’t spoken in days, weeks even. The sound is so cold and disconnected, it breaks Jensen’s heart. ‘The captain is forcing me to be here, ten sessions before I get my badge back, so here I am, co-operating.’

‘Detective Padalecki,’ Lauren says, she sighs. ‘Ten sessions before I give the captain my recommendation, unless you play ball with me I can’t in good conscience recommend you be admitted back to active duty.’  
The silence stretches for a long time before Jared says, ‘fuck.’

~

‘How was the funeral?’

Jared makes an ugly sound on the tape, something angry and raw, before he snaps, ‘What kind of fucking question is that? It was a funeral, it was awful. My mom cried. Everyone cried-’

‘Did you?’

‘Did I what?’

‘Did you cry at your husband’s funeral?’

Jensen rubs his palm over the soft bristles of hair at the back of his neck and stares down at the ground. His own eyes are misty and sore; it feels like he hasn’t blinked in forever.

  
‘No,’ Jared says finally. He sounds bereft, hopeless and lost, as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him before.

~

The next piece of tape Lauren plays for him consists of almost ten minutes of scuffling silence, broken only by the sound of Jared crying. His breath hitches erratically and Jensen puts his hand to his chest as if he can feel the ache himself.

‘I’m sorry-‘ Jared gasps sometimes, ‘oh God, Jen, I’m so sorry- please, I can’t- don’t make me, please.’

The next time he utters any recognizable words he’s swung to the other side of the spectrum, spitting curses and shouting brokenly, ‘it’s not fucking fair! He wasn’t supposed to leave me, he promised, he made a vow. Fuck!’

Eventually, all the words are gone and, finally, the tape is shut off.

Jensen and Lauren sit there for a long time before she loads another tape.

~

‘I’m doing better,’ Jared says. He sounds like a different man, the man that Jensen first met all those years ago on the steps of NYU, the one that he fell in love with. Material rustles as Jared shrugs and shifts in his chair.

‘I mean, things still suck, I’m still taking the sleeping pills and most days it takes me a long time to convince myself that I should get out of bed. Some days,’ Jared continues, a distinctly happier lilt to his voice, ‘when I first open my eyes I get this perfect moment where I forget everything that’s happened, and in that moment I still believe he’s beside me, or he’s gone downstairs to get the coffee-’ Jared trails off and clears his throat.

‘Those moments don’t last long though,’ he finishes.

Jensen breathes hard through the feelings of guilt and regret, these moments Jared is talking about are ones that Jensen can relate to, he woke up every day knowing exactly where Jared was, every detail of his surroundings, his morning routine, but Jensen wasn’t there to witness it, wasn’t there to follow Jared through his day.

And it was all his fault.

~

‘What’s wrong, Jared?’ Lauren says on the tape. She sounds calm as always, but Jensen can hear footsteps underneath the soothing sound of her voice. Jared is pacing.

‘I-‘ he pauses and sighs loudly, ‘God, I shouldn’t have come here, it’s stupid, I’m sorry.’

‘No, please, don’t go.’

‘Ok. Jesus, ok. So, I’ve been working with this photographer, she’s free-lance, someone the PD hired for one of these ridiculous “local hero” spreads for the New York Times or something. Anyway, she’s been my shadow for the past two weeks, following me around, and we’ve been getting along great, she’s awesome but-’ Jared pauses, and Jensen closes his eyes, waiting for the admission, waiting for Jared to rip his heart out all over again.

‘- she asked me out today, for coffee, after work. And you know, I wanted to say yes so badly. God, I was so freaked out by the prospect of a first date – I haven’t been on a first date in years – that I made some lame excuse and ran away. How pathetic is that?’

Jensen looks up when Lauren reaches out and puts a hand gently on his knee, smiling small and reassuring at him.

‘You feel guilty for liking this girl.’

‘Lauren, J... he’s only been gone for 6 months. It feels like it’s too soon.’

‘Did you tell her that?’

‘No. You think I should? Why didn’t I think of that? I mean, at the time she was just- there, you know? Waiting for my answer. She’s strong, she knows what she wants, and she goes for it, no fear. That’s so sexy, that’s one of the things I love – loved - so much about... about him. I- I feel like I’m replacing him, and I don’t want to, Lauren, I don’t ever want to forget or pretend that what we had never happened, because it was the best thing that ever happened to me, even with the way it ended.’

Jensen hears the metal legs of the couch scrape on the wooden floor, and he imagines Jared sitting down beside him, wrestling with the demons in his own head.

‘I love him so much,’ Jared says, and Jensen knows that it’s still true.

~

‘So, I told Genevieve. I told her everything. I mean, she asked, about him so I told her. How we met, all about our lives. She dug out our old photo albums with me and listened to me talk about all the memories. Like, the time we went out to Coney Island and ate so much candyfloss that J- Jen- he threw up on the ferry back.’

Jensen smiles at the memory. Jared had gone on and on about his iron stomach the whole way home, and he’d wanted to strangle him for it.

‘There’s this photo of him wrapped up in my sweatshirt and this stupid beanie hat with ‘I heart NYC’ and a big red apple on it, and he looks miserable,’ Jared continues, ‘but I love it. I remember sitting beside him afterwards and rubbing his back, and how he loosened up and let me hold him, until we got back to Manhattan. Those are the best moments, those are the ones I treasure.’

‘That’s good, Jared. Really good. It sounds like Genevieve is good for you,’ Lauren says on the tape and Jensen bites his lip, he’d almost forgotten about that part of Jared’s admission.

‘Yeah,’ Jared says, a smile in his voice, ‘I think she’s exactly what I need. And after she left I- I packed up some of his stuff, old clothes and a lot of his office things. I don’t think I need them to remember him, he’s still in my head, I think about him all the time.’

~

‘Is it possible to love two people at once?’ Jared asks. His voice is so quiet, almost like he hopes it won’t be heard.

‘What do you think?’ Lauren asks.

Jared hesitates a moment. ‘I think it is,’ he says finally.

~

The last tape Lauren puts in is dated much later than the others, not more than a couple months back. Before she hits play she turns to him and says, “This is a little different.”

She’s right. It starts with an automated voice and Jensen frowns when he recognises it as a voicemail message, the beep sounds and then Jared’s voice comes on the line.

‘Lauren, I did something- stupid. Well, no, I did something that felt right – for the first time in two years everything finally felt right - but the circumstances are all wrong. Sorry, I’m- look, I’m going to fix it. I thought about what we talked about, about Gen and Jensen, and I’m going to make it right again.’

Jensen stares at the tape player as the spool of tape runs down to almost nothing.

‘I just wanted to say thanks,’ Jared says, ‘for helping me. It wasn’t all Genevieve, you know. As much as I hate therapy – and I still do, just so you know – it’s always nice to have a friend who’ll listen to you, even if they do get paid for it. Ok, you have other poor schmucks to psychoanalyse, so I’m going to go and get my husband back now. Thanks, Lauren.’

Lauren leans back in her chair as the tape player clicks off and rests there on the table, silent. Jensen’s head is swimming, he’s cycled through so many emotions in the short time he’s been sitting in Lauren’s darkening office that he can barely sort one from the other.

Lauren crosses one leg over the other and smiles knowingly at him. Jensen looks down at the notepad and pen in her lap, and his mouth drops open.

She grins at him.

“Wanna talk about it?” she asks.

Shrinks!

 

Monday 6:13pm  
Padalecki Residence  
Queens, NY  
December 13th, 2010

 

Jared is in shock for a long time. He sits in his house alone in the dark with all his thoughts piling on top of him, ready to collapse under brute force. He’s been basically going day by day, living vicariously, hoping that Jensen will eventually speak to him again. Ever since Jensen left this room he’s just been sitting in his dining room thinking of everything that happened.

He didn’t get the chance at all to let Jensen know he had done the honorable thing and broke it off with Genevieve. The main problem was that he’d slept with Jensen before he broke it off with her, and it was even worse that Jensen hadn’t known about the other woman. It is devastating that Jared lost everything in the span of one day, and it almost feels as tragic as the day he held Jensen dead in his arms.

Hours pass by, before he hears the front door open up. It creaks, softly opening as if the person is being hesitant. For a moment he’s hoping it’s the one and only person he wants to see, and then there’s this gleaming light shining in front of his eyes when that very person appears in his view.

Jared feels like there’s something to be grateful for, because Jensen is standing in front of him, and looking at him the same way he did when Jared proposed, happy and blissful.

Neither one of them says anything; they just let the silence speak for them. Jared is basking in the fact that Jensen has shown up, and he’s here looking at him like he still cares. Finally he stops thinking and gets up from the table to close the distance between them.

He takes a long stride and embraces Jensen in one fluid motion. He inhales the scent he’s been missing for the past two years.

Jared lets the moment drag on for as long as he possibly can, before he finds the words to speak, “What made you change your mind.”  
The words are whispered into his husband’s ears, and it causes Jensen to laugh in response.

“I can’t walk away from us,” the shorter man admits, almost sounding wistful, “and I can’t pretend I don’t still love you.”

Jared just huffs, responding sarcastically, “So I guess you’re just stuck with me then?”

Jensen holds on to him a little tighter, “You’re not getting rid of me any time soon, detective.”

\--  
End Notes

This story came about from my love of Law and Order SVU and if anyone noticed the similarities, you were spot on. I basically made Jared Padalecki into Elliot Stabler in almost every way I could. He’s strong, religious, conflicted, and so emotional without even knowing it. Of course his polar opposite is Jensen, who was based on the very bad ass Alexandra Cabot , who is strong and has all the faith in the law. I think I did my best and kept true to those characters and had a very decent plot to for them to play in. I’m glad for all those who stuck around until the end to read this. Thank you very much and remember comments are LOVE!


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